Thursday, December 20, 2007
Wednesday, December 19, 2007
Your true love just presented you with all the items of the Twelve Days of Christmas. That’s right, you’ve got a partridge in a pear tree, 2 turtle doves, 3 french hens, 4 calling birds, 5 gold rings, 6 geese-a-laying, 7 swans-a-swimming, 8 maids-a-milking, 9 ladies dancing, 10 lords-a-leaping, 11 swans-a-swimming, and 12 drummers drumming. Here’s the thing, your true love gave you all of those things last year……. If you could exchange them for something else, what would it be?
a partridge in a pear tree, I'd take a maid. Just to come in and dust and do laundry. Ok, and vacuum. Just once a week would be fine
2 turtle doves, a Cricut machine and the extension pack
3 french hens, three new fonts for said Cricut machine
4 calling birds, four girlfriends, one trip, tons of fun and laughter. Let's see. A week on the beach
5 gold rings, a wedding ring that I loved
6 geese-a-laying, 6 months of a personal trainer
7 swans-a-swimming, a bird bath for the back yard
8 maids-a-milking, peppermint mocha creamer for the year. Never running out
9 ladies dancing, salsa dancing lessons. Alone.
10 lords-a-leaping, a trip to a Beth Moore confernce with back stage tickets
11 pipers piping, an ipod preloaded w/all my favorite songs
12 drummers drumming, a trip a month for the entire year. Wherever I want to go
Two days...in two days Meliss will be disembarking to freeze her patootie off here in Chicago for almost a week!!
Tuesday, December 18, 2007
Then to Theresa's where we chatted for a while and sorta planned Christmas, but not totally. She wants me to change the plan so that she has less running around to do. Not sure what we're going to do. Whatever we DO decide, it will be additional running for us since as of today Cassie is no longer driving. She's got spotty vision, I guess, as I understand it from the texts. It's frustrating to communicate only by texts, while I hear that two full days are spent at Denise and Ron's. Sigh. I guess it's better than nothing, but I'm feeling the shove of being pushed aside again.
With Michelle here, things are in a holding pattern. Paul is still trying to get me to tell him how to make this all up to me. How exactly does one make up being shunned for 5 days? Not sure on that one. I don't trust him. I don't want to even try. I've seen this too many times for too many years to believe THIS is the big "I get it". Even so, it's nice to have a breather.
And...da da da daaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!! Kimberlee's birthday and I was even in town. Two years in a row. That's some kinda record.
Tomorrow is a sleep in day with nothing on the agenda. YIPPEE!!!!
Wednesday, December 12, 2007
I told him to find a place to stay, that it was clear to me that he'd be gone by Christmas. He didn't. I told him that it didn't matter to me if he had somewhere to go, that this last round of things that culminated in him telling me to prove that I was truthful in what we owed and were paying pushed me over the edge. I don't even know why I'm letting him stay at all. I wonder how he felt when he saw the numbers and I was actually overstating our debt. I wonder how he felt when he saw me walk away crying. From what I can see, he didn't get it. He says he did, but his big "I"m so sorry and I DO get what I've done" move was to text me yesterday. That's it. A text "I am glad you can express your feelings". Well that will certainly make things monumentally better.
These questions came through on a devotional I get, and I thought they were good.
What areas of your life are on hold because you are waiting for "it" to happen?
A lot of them. I have no energy to deal with much beyond my crappy marriage. I'm depressed and not working to even though I know I need to, don't care about Christmas coming, the IT is for my marriage to improve for more than a week.
What dreams have you discarded for fear that they will never be realized?
That one. That my marriage will improve, or even survive. That he will understand and act on that understanding, what the last three years have been like for me. That he will GET the damage he's done and WANT to fix things, not feel entitled for me to love him.
Do you see God as the only source of joy in your life?
Yes, but He's more the sustaining rock than a source of joy right now.
Identify and eliminate the "joy-stealers" at work in your life.
Expecting Paul to grow up. Thinking that he gets it. Waiting for or even thinking things will change for the better. Staying up too late. Complaining spirit. Criticising him.
What steps do you need to take in order to become a woman of joy?
Stop complaining, criticizing and get to bed at a decent hour.
Saturday, December 8, 2007
Then the game...Rex was throwing well, the receivers who were SUPPOSED to catch it, did. You know, like a football game is supposed to look. And then the fatal error. I turned to Joseph and said: I'm starting to not get a sick feeling in my stomach when Rex touches the ball. Literally those words left my mouth and Rex got NAILED. He's out for the season. He may have played his last game as a Bear. And the injury fest continued. I lost count how many guys were injured in that game, but it was ALOT. And we lost. Thus effectively ending the season for the Bears. Sigh.
Paul went over to Cassie's...brought over Hairspray for them to watch together. She told me they didn't have all the extra stuff during the credits like I saw when I went to it in the theatre. Kinda weird I thought. But they do have at least 2 versions of Hairspray on DVD, so I guess they got the not extras one.
Friday morning, Kimberlee came over to drop off her final secret sister thing. I had gone back and forth this whole semester with she was/she wasn't. Well, SHE WAS!! LOL I was so sorry she didn't come to SS, but what are you gonna do when the kids have ickies????
Soul Sisters was great. I love those guys!! Right now, it's one of the things that is keeping me going...I am really fighting the inclination to hide. To not answer the phone. To not go anywhere.
It's been a really tough week. I talked to Paul about the gifts I had already gotten him before the game came up, knowing how he is about money, and wanting to be up front about it. He told me to return them. I tried to explain how it felt, for the first time in 3 years to WANT to get him something, to be EXCITED about what I got him, and then be asked to return them. He shut down. Five minutes later, after waiting for a response, I leave. End of conversation.
Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, same thing. Then a note saying "sorry we haven't gotten to talk about your stuff". I wrote him a note back. Things are so crappy. Why can't they ever STAY improved? It's not that we haven't GOTTEN to talk. It's that I bring it up, and really, not in an angry way. I'm sad, disappointed, feeling like something got taken from me that I worked really hard to get back. Cried about it...with him just looking at me.
Find out from Cassie how his counseling went.
Friday night, I stop and tell him I'm home, and he says "well, goodnight then". No conversation. I go to bed hurt and angry and sad. I'm sick of this. Sick of him ignoring my feelings, shutting down in conversations he doesn't like, sick of him controlling things by doing stuff like that. Sick of trying to be positive, open, vulnerable, all to be ignored and shut out again. This is definitely the WORSE of for better or worse. Three years and the only things that has remained changed is that he's not doing his addiction crap and I'm better at expressing my anger without being violent.
But by Saturday morning, I was angry. How many times do I have to bring it up for him to listen? Two hours after he gets home, after ignoring me (yeah, like the 5 year old way...cold shoulder, not responding, etc), he sits down at the kitchen table and asks if I want to talk. are you KIDDING ME???? SERIOUSLY??? NOW YOU WANT TO TALK SO I'M JUST SUPPOSED TO BE THE GOOD LITTLE WIFE????
So maybe by the end of the conversation he heard how I felt, how it was to bring up what was important to him and not even be asked (he said it never crossed his mind to ask me what i thought...what am I in his life???) what I thought. How it felt to return the gifts that I FINALLY wanted to, not felt like I had to, get.
And then he tells me that he figured that I was just ignoring the budget and doing what I wanted anyway. I screamed at him that it was all bought in November, when I was shopping for his birthday and that it was in the budget and paid for already.He backpedals...no I didn't mean that was what I thought. I reply. Yes it is Paul. You may regret thinking that now, you may know you are wrong now, but that IS what you thought and why you have been treating me how you have all week. You were mad because you decided that you knew the entire story and didn't need to ask me for the facts. So you may not think that now but you SURE DID think it all week. I left for errands. I was too angry to discuss this anymore. So when I get back,he backpedals some more, apologizes, and Joseph comes in from work. End of discussion.
And Sunday at church, total melt down. I'm tired. I'm sick of being married to a guy who doesn't trust me or think the best of me or even want to ask me what I think. He gets these amazing breakthroughs and then reverts. I think it would be easier w/o the breakthroughs. Then I wouldn't think he was even capable of being an adult or healthy. They invite us up for prayer, those who need to have more trust (that would be trust Paul,not God). Or just can't do the waiting for Christmas (for God to show up) any more. I start bawling...and am trying to explain it to Angela, how I'm sick of saying the same thing over and over again...having the same story for 3 years without much sustained progress. Her response stopped me in my tracks. She said "we all have the same stories...feel like we're saying it over and over again". I feel so pathetic being stuck here, but there is growth. I can't speak for Paul, but I know I handle my emotions more maturely than I used to, control them better, speak them more and scream them less. That I'm more tolerant than I used to be and am learning to forgive better. And, at the same time, I'm increasingly more alone with him and seeing where I fall on the priority list for him.
Small group last night...with a migraine and sick to my stomach. But it was good. Went to bed early and woke up to dirty dishes. This week has GOT to be better, right?????
Wednesday, December 5, 2007
Tuesday, December 4, 2007
Here's Cassie at 6 months. I FINALLY felt the baby move this Saturday. It was very exciting and made me smile ear to ear!! He kinda rolled over under my left hand. WOOHOO!! Long time waiting for the little Mr. to show himself to me!! Cassie said I was the first one to feel him move besides Chris, to which I say "As it should be!!"
We went to this tea room in Oswego or Yorkville or somewhere out there. It was nice...a cute little farm converted to a cash cow, with great pottery and decor things in another building.
The tea was fabulous, but I know I've had it somewhere else. Ambrosia tea in a nice pyramid bag. Conversation was nice and we laughed alot. Seemed like there were 2 different conversations, one with me and Cindi and Sherrie, and one with Catharina and Vicky. Lynda couldn't make it, which I expected but was still disappointed about. Sigh. Wish there was something I could do to help her sometimes...but this was a sinus headache thing, so there's no helping that unless you're an MD.
Cassie came over and made the CUTEST cards. I totally had card envy. She's got some natural talent there, and she works slow enough to produce nice cards...It was great spending time with her and just hanging. I always am glad to be with her...we talk and laugh and just enjoy being together with no agenda (or in this case, a card agenda)
And. sigh. the bears. sigh. They lost a heartbreaker. I don't care. I still love them. They aren't alone in the heartbreak this week. The Redskins wanted to win for their teammate who had been killed. They lost on a stupidly called double time out from their coach. Amateur mistake the announcers say. Heartbreaking I say. They looked like they were all gonna cry on the sidelines. And then the Ravens last night. Oh the pain. Literally, I quit breathing. To come within TWO YARDS of winning. Killer. And that was the poor sport on the Ravens that cost them that game. 35 yard penalty for unsportsmanlike conduct in the last minute of the game. They could have done it!!
Debbie came in from VA to go to her nephew's wedding and we were able to spend the evening catching up. I always love talking with her. She's just one of those people who GET me and what I'm saying. And the history...well...it's a long one. She informs me, 22 years later, that Paul's sister Nancy was NASTY before our wedding to her...telling her that she should not be in the wedding and that it was wrong and inappropriate since she had dated Paul. The small ingored by Nancy detail was that I was the one that asked her to stand up...we had become closer friends while going to JJC together. MAN I wish I would have known about it then...because she also tried to orchestrate Paul's dad getting pushed out of best man position and having this PIG Phil be Paul's best man as a "surprise". When she announced THAT little gem, I told Paul if Phil was one of our witnesses, I would NOT be marrying him. I really HATED that guy. Uh. Who's wedding was it? Who gets to ask who they want to stand up for them??? Even back then, the machine was working. Grrr....
Planning to spend a week in VA this summer...Debbie and Mark always seem to get the short stick when it comes to time, but this time I'm going without Paul so I don't need to be back in any specific time. I can't wait!! I love VA Beach!!
And now the countdown begins...Meesh comes in on the 15th andMeliss on the 21st!! WOO!! HOO!!! And as Meliss said, clear your calendar and let your girlfriends know you won't be available till the 27th. LOL
Monday, December 3, 2007
on my phone that reminds me to blog. I've sat down to do this I don't know how many times and got distracted...so I'll spend the next few days catching up...
Our thanksgiving self portrait. We had a choice of Cassie looking exhausted, me with a double chin, or this one.
Chris had to work, but we sent a big plate home for him...
Lindsay made Thanksgiving dinner (yeah, I"m that far behind!!) This was for two reasons, imho. One-she invited us and we accepted, under the guise of "AG, I"m making dinner" then Theresa told me it was she was making the potatoes.I told Theresa that I accepted b/c LIndz said she was making DINNER and that she should. Well, I sent her a planner to make it easier, and it did help (if only Theresa had all my pampered chef tools like a chopper), but Lindsay did the work. And two-Lindsay told Theresa she was a crappy cook. I told Theresa it was time for her to let Lindsay find out what it was like to make food day after boring day...I don't know if that will happen, but Lindz did do thanksgiving.
Dinner was great...which honestly I wondered about when Lindsay called at 1245 and said the turkey was done (we were supposed to eat at 4) and asking what she should do, since the potatoes weren't even begun!! LOL
She also learned that I knew what i was talking about when I said if you put the turkey in the roaster it will not brown. But it was super moist and everything was hot when we sat down...which was better than the turkey dinner I made Sunday afternoon. My potatoes were steaming when we mashed them and when we sat down 3 minutes later, they were literally cold!! Thank God for microwaves and hot gravy!! LOL
We were, as usual, treated like non-entities by Don's girls. I'd like to think they treat everyone this way, but it gets really old every single holiday to be talked to only when they need something and then expect us to clean up after their princess behinds.
I guess it's worse when it's at my own house, but still...I really would like to be with people who WANT to be with me, rather than be a box they check off and say "whew" when they leave...
Joseph got up at 645 (usually this is much closer to his bed time than his awake time) to get a guitar hero 2 for dirt cheap...and then brought it to thanksgiving. We had a GH2 tournament. I didn't lose, but I"m pretty sure I won't be hired for a band any time soon. At first, I needed someone to strum while I got the notes, but by the end of the round, I could do both. I think I'll keep my day job all the same. Note Patrick strumming for me...this was obviously early in the tournament!!
And the picture with Paul and Lindsay...yeah. Joseph is shouting what color to hit on the keys. We DEFINITELY needed that kind of help...but I'm pretty sure we all got better...
More to follow...
Tuesday, November 20, 2007
We went to the Promenade to celebrate his birthday. Ate at Ted's Montana Grill. Overpriced and the food was NOT that good. SO now we know. Then on to say hi to Lindsay at her job. She's working at Aeropastale now. It was fun to see her...she's all ready for black Friday. Can check a person out with 6 items and 2 accessories in under 90 seconds. Funny that they literally time their employees. At the mall, they may check out quickly, but it's the 10 minutes waiting for someone to show up that is a pain the butt!!
They had a light show, like the Siberian Orchestra, with the music piped in to co-ordinate with the music. It was fun but only 4 songs long. Perfect day for walking around outside.
He said his birthday was good. But literally noONE remembered to call him or text him. At least he acknowledged that was a disappointment...usually he'd say it was fine. Little baby steps toward being honest in his feelings.
Oh...and I gave him a CD of a book he liked and wanted to listen to again and again and a very nice shirt/sweater combo so he could wear it for Christmas.
It was a good evening and I"m glad we spent it together.
Monday, November 12, 2007
I never knew the comfort of smelling clean baby smell
Or the disgusting smells small boys can create.
I never read a book I didn’t like just because someone else did
Never swallowed a lump in my throat as someone walked out the door
Or stopped reading a storybook because it was making me cry
Never worried about someone else’s driving, or making friends in school.
Never felt so much responsibility for a life that wasn’t mine.
Never scrubbed caked on poop in places I should never see on another body
Never lost nights and nights of sleep to comfort a sick child who couldn’t breathe
Never played barbies ad nauseum, memorize entire passages of star wars, or bought oatmeal. (really what child LIKES oatmeal???)
Never bought new underwear while out for the day because of a major accident.
Never had a gigglefest
Never went to mcdonalds against my will
Never cleaned up a soda spill so large it created its own tide pool
Never made a tide pool (yep, did it for a school project)
Never prayed for just one more night of sleeping through…and then used a spoon to see if they were breathing
Never stuck my finger in someone else’s mouth to see what was ingested
Never scraped another person’s poop onto a popsicle stick for diagnostic purposed
Never cleaned blood out of a beloved sweatshirt by scrubbing it and washing it 10 times in a row
Never dreamed that a small body could create that much work…or that much love…or grow my faith in a way that is beyond description.
Before I was a mother I lived an incomplete life and didn’t even know it.
Thursday, November 8, 2007
Paul's family "the girls" to be exact, found my blog, read it and decided that I was defaming him, poisoning our kids against him, telling all our problems to anyone who wants to read it, taking no responsbility for any problems in our marriage, and printed out excerpts so his mom could read it and present it to Paul last night.
I"m devastated at my own naivete. That I never thought that they might do something like that. That in 180+ entries, they find 2 that are raw in my brokenness and that's all they see.
So sad and sorry for Paul. That I created this mess. That his family is who they are and react how they do. That they don't care in any kind of healthy way.
SO my thoughts will be for those I trust. No wonder he trusts no one. Now I struggle with who to trust.
I'm so angry. Sad. Fighting the feeling of guilt...
Tuesday, November 6, 2007
1. Don’t be afraid. Most of the things you’re afraid of are either completely overblown or extremely unlikely to happen. There's alot to be said for "there is nothing to fear but fear itself"
2. Live for now. Find things to enjoy about life right now that make it worth living. Things won’t magically get better without your effort. Stop fantasizing about how great it’s going to be in the future and make it better today.
3. Don’t waste time. You are NOT going to have more time to do things you want to do in the future. Get that idea out of your head. Quit waiting for the next phase of life to do things. It will NEVER slow down...
4. Chase your dreams. Don’t dismiss your deepest desires as pipe dreams. Take a good look at them and think about what you want out of life. Just about everybody is telling you to take the safe path and get a safe, boring job. Don’t.
5. Do what you want. Stop doing what everyone expects you to do and start doing the things you want. No one can live your life for you. Don't be so concerned about what everyone else thinks of what you are doing. Be smart and straightforward and don’t be afraid to speak up about what you want...but do it with respect.
6. No one is responsible for your happiness. Decide what you want to do and do it. Make friends with people who value you. Cultivate hobbies. Finish college now. Do whatever it takes...and don't stay home for a guy. Live your college dream, not a watered down version of it. Read great books that you love. Laugh more and dwell less. Choose each day to be content. Don't wait for someone else to deliver you happiness on a platter.
7. If you spend money now assuming you’ll have plenty later, you won’t. Everybody thinks they’re going to make a ton more money in just a few years. You might, but you’ll have more than enough expenses to eat up every bit of it and more. Do NOT run up your credit cards. DON'T DO IT DON'T DO IT DON'T DO IT!!
8. Set goals. Make plans for what you really want to accomplish. Write them down and stick with them. It’s worth it to spend a bit of time hashing out the things you really want. Don’t worry, you can always change them as your life changes, but they’ll give you something concrete to shoot for.
9. Do something every day to work toward your goals. Don’t let a day go by without having contributed in some way to the goals you have set.
10. Choose your battles. The world is NOT your enemy. Remember that when everything seems set against you. The world simply doesn’t care. Don’t view everything in terms of us against them. Don’t argue when it does more harm than good.
Following a night of fights for him not showing up for the ONE THING he said he wanted (pay bills together), last night going to bed was not filled with hope to say the least.
Well, he read Psalm 13 as part of his devotional this morning, and I do not even know how to explain what happened. He came to the door, said “ger, can I come in?” and started weeping. I thought one of his parents died. Really, I did. And after about 20 minutes of him crying, he was able to tell me what happened and that he understands how he’s made me alone in our marriage all these years. That he understands "the anguish of my soul" and me crying out to God regarding this (one of the things I told him Thursday night was I prayed when the kids were little that I would pray that I lived (esp. when I found out I had cancer) till the kids were old enough to take care of themselves (like 20's) because not only was he checked out he didn't even care to find out where the insurance stuff was...that I would cry to God about that at night sometimes)
I’m still stunned. Happy for him. But stunned.
God is amazing…and I’m amazed that Paul allowed those feelings to surface. And I was able to comfort him and show him that I would not belittle his feelings and he was able to realize that his fears (losing control and never getting it back, dying, seeming weak) were unfounded. And that not only did he not seem weak to me, praise the LORD, I felt respect for him. Tenderness and compassion and kindness.
Can I tell you that sincerity is one HOT characteristic??? I seriously have never been more attracted to him than this morning, with him bawling and boogers and all of it. He was real.
Now my specific prayer is that he will remember this and stick it. That he won’t hide back behind his mask again. 22 years I have waited. Literally, have NEVER seen him connect emotionally regarding me. NEVER. Until Friday.
resentment of me gone, he says. Raised his hands in church Sunday, went to communion, says he feels like he's really making progress mentally.
I am trying hard to stay in the present, to be positive, to be supportive and kind and all that.
I am thankful for him, for what he is allowing God to do in his life, for him really HEARING God's voice on Friday. I think this is what the result of being jealous FOR someone, not jealous OF them gets...but that's another bible study story!! LOL
Thursday, November 1, 2007
God is the God of the impossible. He is able to heal and deliver those who seek His help. (Jer 3227)
Proverbs 16:9 reminds us that while we make plans, but God directs our path. God knows that is best, for individuals and families. If we are seeking Him and listen to His voice, we can be confident that He will reveal His will for our family.
Begin to think of all the blessings God has given you. If you are going through a difficult time right now and feel as if you have little to be thankful for, thank Him for your salvation, for air to breathe, clean water to drink.
If you are waiting for God to answer a prayer, ask Him to show you how He is already at work, and praise His faithfulness. Resist the temptation to step in and take matters into your own hands. Patiently allow Him to continue His work.
Temptation itself isn't a sin. It's when we yield to the temptation that we sin. We, too, have a choice every time we are tempted to believe one of Satan's lies. It's our choice, moment by moment. We can give in and act upon the temptation or we can submit our will.
Marriage can be difficult at times. We are called to serve others--and that includes our husbands. When we focus on loving our husbands for who they are and the way God made them, we will be surprised at the treasures we'll uncover. We will be more content with life as it is, more joyful when we're together and more grateful for the man God gave us as our lifetime partner. . Let's makes Paul's words to Philemon our daily prayer for our husband: "I always thank God when I mention you in my prayers"
Romans 12:9-18 outlines what our behavior should be with our friends. We are to truly love them with brotherly affection and take delight in honoring one another. This includes telling the truth, being accountable to one another, and encouraging each other in faith. Seeok to grow more deeply through transparency and trust.
God never intends for us to be hopeless. He has provided instructions in His word for handling relationships that have been damaged by sinful behavior. God has provided many avenues for help, but nearly always, that first step is up to you.
God does not always choose to eliminate the consequences brought on by past mistakes (yours or others), but the prayers of repentent children never go unheard. Agaod has a way of putting our afflictions to good use, touching lives by the testimony of someone who without God wiould otherwise be without hope.
It is expected taht every decision made iwth the desire to be obedient to God will be attacked. Spread your doubt before the Lord. Pray for correction of any wrong in thinking or doing and for His word of assurance for what action to take. If there is nothing else required of you at this moment, leave it at that. Trust God. Put the whole weight of your doubts and cares on Him.
In Mark 10:27, we are reminded that "all things are possible with God." Whether we need help with a decisin, a relationship, career or a task, He does not leave us in our weakness but provides the direction, wisdom and help we need in every situation.
There is no 'but' when it comes to God's forgiveness.
Wednesday, October 31, 2007
It's been a pretty tough week this past week, and quite frankly, I am being carried through on faith and scripture and prayers of friends and family.
Business meeting last week was a joke, as usual. Dog and pony show and a one way ticket out the door for many people. I promised Karla I would stay through the business meeting and I did. I'm glad to be released from this fight. Went to Southwest this weekend and really liked it. The people are not friendly, and I mean AT ALL. But our small group was there and I know 2 other people, so it'll bridge the gap till I meet more people. It's great to hear preaching from the Bible, not a little Bible squeezed in the preaching and stories and jokes. Then there was the disastrous game. Sigh.
Friday I told Paul I wanted a divorce and if he wasn't going to do that to move into the guest room. After COMMITTING almost 3 weeks ago to fight for our marriage, to plug into Joseph daily and do his recovery work daily and talk to me about it, ten days roll out with nothing but silence. More silence. More time. Waiting. Sinking realization that nothing is happening. More time. Fights. Silence. Finally, after 10 days, I say "SO I guess you aren't doing anything to fight for our marriage Paul?", to which he responds "I have been doing it. There just was nothing new to talk about so I didn't." That was Wednesday. I just don't want to spend the rest of my life pressuring, prodding, fighting, creating a crisis to make anything happen.
So Friday, of course, I have MOPS and SS and shove it all aside at MOPS and cry through SS for the most part. He comes home and has all this stuff he wants to share. AGAIN. It's a crisis, and he doesn't show up till his back is against the wall.
It makes me so sad for him. that he wold be willing to accept this kind of life, because he's afraid to let his feelings show. But if he won't show anger or grief, he also can't feel joy, or hope, or love. And the light dawns for me. NO WONDER I don't feel loved by him, and never have. You can't pick and choose which feelings you have...only feeling the good ones and never the bad.
I want him to be healthy, and whole, and how God made him to be. Not shut down, controlling and afraid. I want him to experience freedom and faith and God's amazing love and grace. Not think he has to do something to earn it or whatever it is that he thinks. I'm so sad for him, for us. For Joseph to have to watch this. For Cassie, grappling with whether she is responsible or not (NOT). For Paul. That he feels, for a brief moment, and then shuts himself down again. Life the Iceman Cometh. It's crushing to watch him do it again and again. Because I know what comes next in this process, of him shutting down his thoughts feelings and realizations. They quit coming. He quits. We lose.
I love him fiercely. Have since we were 13. Looking into his eyes, and thinking back to that track and the lockers and the catwalk, leaning against his car and kissing on my birthday. I don't think that love will ever go away. Get buried maybe, under hurt and disappointment and all that. He is the man God chose for me, brought into my life, formed our marriage and family.
And so, here it is again. I pray. I cry out to God. Literally, tears on my face, Lord help me, help us. Heal him, heal me, heal our family. And I wait.
Hoping that this time is different, but realizing that it's shaping up like all the other times. Waiting for a miracle, hoping for Paul to hear and respond this time. But is it hope when I really don't think that he will? We've been down this road so many agonizing times. God shows up, softens my heart, convicts and makes Paul aware. Paul shuts down. Round 47 or 470. I don' t know any more.
Thursday, October 25, 2007
So I went to check our usage, like I always do...and surprise!! In the last week it went from the typical $100 cell phone bill to a $706 bill. Literally. I thought I was going to throw up. Then he thought he was going to when I got online and saw the detail that it was him. Then he informs me, in varying stages: (1) he was checking his myspace from his phone and (2) he was chatting online from his phone and (3) uh...woke up a couple of times several hours later with his phone still on and the Internet still connected. I think I know what one caused the problem.
Amidst much wailing and gnashing of teeth, 90% of his last check, current check (good thing he didn't buy anything with it) and his next check will go to at&t wireless via Paul and Geriann.
But besides that it was a good day!! LOL Still completely hoarse. And the upside of that little fiasco (yes, there is an upside to EVERYTHING) is we got it decreased by 10% because of Paul's job at Ford. And...switched to a package that made more sense anyway but one that we didn't know about. SO now we have unlimited texting to everyone and also picture and multimedia messages for the same price as we were paying for my unlimited mobile to mobiles and his 1500 text package. Which means I can text Cass again. Yeah!!
At first he thought AT&T should have let him know he was running low. I pointed out that in the adult world, where cell phones live, major corporations DO not have the responsibility of telling someone they are about to get pounded with a huge bill the customer ran up. It's the customer's responsibility to know what services he has used, and what applicable charges are being added. Oh the pain...seriously. Poor kid. He loves his money. He loved his cell phone. Not sure about that last one any more.
Tuesday, October 23, 2007
Because we woke up
Because we are healthy
Because we draw breath
Because we CAN praise God
Because we are loved
Because we are created in love
Because He holds our life in His hands
Because His spirit lives in us
Because we get re-does
Because we are forgiven
Because we can forgive (ok, so sometimes it's not easy)
Because He is trustworthy
Because He is constant
Because He is kind
Because He is merciful
Because it is all we can give back...
and the list goes on...
Monday, October 22, 2007
So Tuesday night I went to Bible study. Have been going a couple of months now. Didn't expect much, especially when I called Lynda to say I was late (skirmish at home) but would be there, and she said everyone else cancelled and she hadn't heard from Vicki.
Sunday, October 14, 2007
The final song were these words:
I'm at a loss for words, there's nothing to say
I sit in silence wondering what led me to this place
How did my heart become so lifeless and cold
Where did the passion go?
When all my efforts seem like chasing wind
I've used up all my strength and there's nothing left to give
I've lost the feeling and I'm numb to the core
I can't fake it anymore.
chorus:Here I am at the end
I'm in need of resurrection
Only You can take this empty shell and raise it from the dead
What I've lost to the world what seems far beyond redemption
You can take the pieces in Your hand and make me whole again, again
You speak and all creation falls to its knees
You raise Your hand and calm the waves of the raging sea
You have a way of turning winter to spring
Make something beautiful out of all this suffering
chorus 2:Here I am once again I'm in need of resurrection
Only You can take this empty shell and raise it from the dead
What I've lost to the world what seems far beyond redemption
You can take the pieces in Your hand and make me whole again, again
You have a way of turning winter to spring
Make something beautiful out of all this suffering
This literally has been the worse week in my marriage. Ever. I am tired. I am heartbroken and weary. And I am out of ideas of what to do. I long for peace, for a time when I don't feel like a failure, judged and found lacking, for a solution, not an excuse. It's been two and a half years of exhausting efforts, and at the end I'm told "when you pay off this bill enough, then I will be able to work on my resentment toward you and work on my part of restoring our marriage". He's blacking out of conversations, forgetting what is said, maybe realizing what I've been saying for months: you are right back where you are but instead of porn, it's money. I know I will only get through this by the grace of God. But what does the end of the road look like?
Now I've had to answer the crappy questions to both of my kids "are you two going to make it?", Cassie the day before she turned 17 and Joseph, yesterday, with "I don't know. It's up to your dad at this point." Joseph never asked. It breaks my heart. He hears us and knows. It's not like you can hide things from your kids no matter how skilled we think we are at it. They SNIFF out trouble, like a fresh brownie. And darn me for telling them I"d always be honest with them. Why couldn't I just lie and say "yeah, sure." then what? When he hears me crying or coughing in the living room at 2 in the morning. He knows. Even when I say "no, I just can't sleep". He knows.
I hate that my kids have to pay ANY price for our stuff. That my nieces and nephews are so disappointed and scared and hurt. That Joseph texts "I'm scared". It's not fair. And I don't know what to do beyond pray and get a job to pay off this all powerful bill.
Wednesday, October 10, 2007
Monday, October 8, 2007
I made this gratitude journal, and instead of doing dates, which is how most people do their's, I did categories: Family, journey and friends. I might do more to the inside cover, but I'm happy with it. I used my crop a dile, which I'm loving to pop holes in this thick cover. YEAH!! It's a darn good tool...one that is meant to be shared!!
Joseph went to get his license on Saturday. It was closed. He thinks he's destined not to get it. I told him third times a charm. Don't know what I'll say if he doesn't make it tomorrow, when he's planning on going AGAIN!!
Rick and Dana are moving. Sigh. Got nothing to say after that. Ok, well I do. I hope that this move is good for them, that this church realizes what gems they are, values them and embraces them and speaks blessings over them. Now, I have nothing to say after that.
Wednesday, October 3, 2007
Saturday, September 29, 2007
Sunday, September 23, 2007
Monday, September 10, 2007
Bears...well. The game was fun. We went to friend's house and watched it!! Food was great, conversation fabulous, TV huge and HD...that's definitely the way to watch a game!!!
Saturday, September 8, 2007
Tomorrow...Bears opening game. YIPEE or is it YIPPEE????
Thursday, September 6, 2007
1) It's not as hard as I thought it would be.
2) I'm glad I started it on Thursday so I can be done by Saturday.
3) I have scrapped a freakin' lot of pages.
4) My style has changed eNORmously. My old pages...well...you have to see them.
5) I STINK at dismantling albums and putting in spacers. I ruined an entire album today. GOod thing it's one I don't even like.
AND>>>>My Prison Break DVDs came!! Joseph and I cracked open disc one and watched 4 shows tonight. I have to finish watching them so Meesh can have them to get Lauren up to speed before the premiere in 11 days. Oh the pressure....
1) I am gaining weight. (Big clue: broke a belt loop getting my jeans on today) Ridiculous that I don't work out when I have plenty of time to sit in front of a computer screen but not enough time to work out.
2) I expect to lose weight by complaining to myself that I"m gaining weight. And I'm telling you, I'm going to be in big trouble by October if I don't do something. I don't think any of my jeans will fit.
3) I"m overwhelmed by the idea of working out the rest of my life. Why can I be fine with scrapping and reading the rest of my life and not this? I think it's because I can stop scrapping or reading for a while and pick it back up with not so much effort. But working out it more like eating...do it regularly, ongoing, or else.
4) I want immediate gratification for working out...like do it on Monday and drop lbs on Tuesday. Not gonna happen. And that's my big stall...I don't see results fast enough or on an ongoing basis enough. And I quit.
5) I hate clothes that don't fit right. I feel bloated and crabby and depressed.
Anyone got some motivation? Because even with those realizations, I STILL don't want to work out. Not one bit. And my shoulder is bothering me again from not doing it. And I STILL don't want to do it.
On the other hand...I"ve scrapped almost 900 pix this year and over 300 pages. OK, off to start my day and dry my hair before it's another baaaaaaaad hair day.
Wednesday, September 5, 2007
2. Is the sun shining? Sort of. It's bright but there's no yellow orb
3. Can you successfully blow up and tie a balloon? Only if I stretch it and stretch it beforehand. Asthma and balloons don't really go together.
4. Do you like text messaging? Much to my husband's dismay. My nieces are my top texting pals!
5. Are you having a good/bad hair day? Bad, it's going in more directions than it should
6. What was your last purchase? Hmmm...scrapbook paper this weekend.
7. Are you wearing any make-up right now? Not today
8. What are your plans for later? Have bible study class at FAOG.
9. What is your favorite DDR song? I don’t do DDR.
10. Is there any drama within your life? Not at the moment..thank God!!
11. What is a song they need to stop playing on the radio? Hey there Delilah
12. Are you content with life right now? Content...yep. That's what I feel.
13. Does anyone like you? I think so
14. What is your current obsession? Organizing my scrapbooks...nightmare but an obsession. Well, that and waiting for my Prison Break DVD to come. Well, that and the Bears.
15. Do you have your license? Yes...
16. Ever been kissed under mistletoe? Every year we have one.
17. Would you ever smile at a stranger? Yup, I do it all the time!
18. Ever done a random act of kindness? Yes, I believe in paying it forward. I hope you do too.
19. Do your toenails have nail polish on them? Yes, OPI red like roses I think.
20. When is the last time you wore eyeliner? Sunday
21. Last curse word you said was? probably have to ask my niece what one...
22. Are your lips chapped? Nope, being September chapping isn't a problem
23. Are you currently jealous? No. Well maybe. Of people who are in better shape than me.
24. Do you own an iPod? SIgh. No. But I do have an mp3 phone
25. Did you have a dream last night? Yes, but can’t remember what it was. I know it involved Lynda's kids...
26. Are you mad at anyone? No
27. Who is the most random person you know? Joseph is pretty freakin' random
28. What’s going on this weekend? Gloriously, nothing. I might scrap alot. Or see #14. Definitely #14 for Sunday at 3:15
29. Done any spring cleaning lately? Yes...well. it's fall cleaning now, right?
30. Anything bothering you? When I can discuss some private news...or really, to act on it.
32. Did you wish for anything last night on 11:11? nope
33. Do you drink coffee on a regular basis? If a regular basis is NEVER.
34. Do you wish you were someone else? No
35. What jewelry are you wearing? Diamond studs (two pairs in each ear)
36. Ate any exotic food lately? Oriental eggplant is about as exotic as we got.
38. Are you easily amused? I think so
39. Can you lick your elbow? What kinda freaky question is that???
40. Do you know this song, “we stay fly no lie you know this”? Nope!
41. What piercings do you have? 2 holes in one ear, three in the other.
42. Do you have a crush right now? Just the usuals...
43. What are your plans over the fall? Scrapbook, see my niece-y, spend more time with my dd, survive my son's foray into working (when he gets a job), hang out with my girlfriends, start a bible study, forgive easily, be thankful often, laugh out loud, read lots of books, and get off my lazy butt and start working out again.
44. How’s life going for you? It’s really good...
45. What is on your mind just this second? This asthma inhaler tastes like crap, even after I rinsed my mouth.
Saturday, September 1, 2007
My schedule went from Tuesday and Wednesdays being booked, to having literally the entire week free except Friday afternoons. Joseph will undoubtedly benefit, although I'm sure his opinion of mornings aren't shared by me. I'd like to be up and at 'em, doing school by 9 am and I've had to wake him every morning except one. So, he either sets his alarm this week and gets his booty out of bed or his father wakes him up before he leaves. I want to be done iwth school by 2...including checking his work...
Cassie called from her honeymoon. She called during that excuse for a Bears' game. They ended up going to Chattanooga and Nashville and will circle back to Bowling Green , Ky. She sounded relaxed and happy and just plain good. I'm glad for her...glad that she's sounding so good, glad that that had a honeymoon, glad that it wasn't 42 hours round trip in the car. Can't wait to see the pix of the wedding...
We told them we'd take them out for a "welcome to married life" dinner when they get home. There's a restaurant that Chris wants to try and this seems like a good excuse to do it. I pray that I can continue to support and celebrate them in the coming days and months and years. And that our family, now one larger, can really put these past 2.5 years in the past and begin to heal and LOOK like a family, not "Intervention"...that show on A&E I think.
OK, so I'm ready to start scrapping again. I want to crop. I want to go out and laugh with my friends. I checked out Crop Paper Scissors, which has free crops all the time and the new one back on 30 in Plainfield, ScrapAddict. I like them both. CPS is more laid back and SA is way higher energy. I guess it depends on what I'm in the mood for!! Both have free crops...but SA has free crops even on Fri/Sat and CPS has free crops when their normal Fri/Sat crops and classes aren't going on. Decisions, decisions.
Today is the first of a 30 day class I'm taking online called Choosing Joy. This is my second time doing it and I'm going to TRY to do it this time!! LOL
"He'd heard people ask, 'If you could have anyone, living or dead, come to dinner, who would it be?' Shakespeare's name usually came up at once; he'd also heard Mother Teresa, the Pope, St. Augustine, Thomas Jefferson, Pavarotti, Bach, Charles Schultz…"
"For his money, he couldn't think of anyone he'd rather be having for dinner than the very ones who were coming."
-Out to Canaan by Jan Karon
This is how I feel every single time I have an even or go to one. There are people I wish could come that maybe aren't there that month, but I love every single time I hook up with people. There's always something to think about and learn and laugh about.
Who would YOU want to come to dinner?
Thursday, August 30, 2007
Good morning! If you were to gather 100 people in a room and ask them to write down their happiest times, you would likely find the lists had one thing in common. Our happiest times come when we connect with others and give the best of ourselves. Yet, these happy times can be hard to come by since human nature is to acquire "this or that," or accomplish "this or that," before taking time to connect.Taking a moment to list out what makes us truly happy can be an interesting exercise. Often we find that the items on our list aren't things that are hard to attain--they are simply things we must make time for. When we are chasing after "some magical rose garden," we can forget to make time today, assuming that the time we create in this "magical someday" will be richer.
Your Turn:Take a moment today to think about what makes you truly happy. Is it spending time with a friend or sharing a good laugh with a child? Make the time each day to find happiness instead of looking for it in a distant someday.
I've had this little ditty in my mailbox for a week, but never stopped to respond to it... so here I am.
I was watching the 2 years ago coverage of Katrina, and quite frankly, am appalled that two years later people are still living in trailers. With their babies, their pets, and whatever they could rescue from the flood waters. Imagine if something of that significance happened in your town, or here in Chicago. I love Chicago..the energy, the skyline, the sport teams. I love the restaurants I always go to when down town and the heralded shopping days at our favorite stores. I love the windows in the winter and the crystal blue sky in the winter. The horse carriage rides I can't afford, all of it. I love this town. It makes me happy, really happy to walk down its streets and hear the sounds and smell the smells..., Kinda funny since I hate IL. But that's another blog for another time...
but I stopped and thought about, what if we were decimated through no fault of our own: terrorist attack, horrific tornado or the legendary earthquake we should be getting "any day now" for the last 30 years. What would I feel if my towns and roads and everyTHING I say I love were gone...and then 2 years later I was still in a trailer...
I lobbied last year to spend our Christmas vaca in New Orleans...helping somehow. Habitat for Humanity or something. Didn't happen. I'm lobbying again this year. We have a week left. I'd like to do it. I'll keep you posted...or do you want to form a posse to go and build a house and some memories? (Ever hear that Bon Jovi song...Wanna make a memory?)
so...what brings me happiness besides Chicago???
My family. My husband. My daughter and new son in law (OMG...I'll get used to that RIGHT???). My boy-turning-man son. My nieces. My nephew. My girlfriends. I love babies I can borrow and give back. The laughter of toddlers, that squeal that they get when they are excited. I love working with teens and hanging out with them. I love my sisters and brothers. I love good books and talking about movies, and our lives over a decent meal.
Hearing songs that make me cry and stories that make me laugh. Sermons that make me think and affect how I live my life....that makes me happy.
I love that I"m forgiven, and that I CAN choose to forgive. The joy that letting go brings to my soul...
I love internet shopping. I love exercise videos that save me the price of a gym membership. I love hot tea with yummy creamers. I love the smell of downy and fresh air in the laundry. Cell phones and IM's keep me in touch with my girlitas makes me happy and all warm and fuzzy inside.
I love a good hug and a sincere smile. I love being able to breathe without my asthma weighing me down (I'll let you know when that's true again). I love laughing till I cry and crying without shame.
I love chocolate martini's, and Panera's iced tea, McAllister's sweet tea and Portilo's hot dogs. Those local meals make me happy!!
I love to travel..that first moment when you see who you're heading for...whether it's them coming down the steps of Midway or up the steps of their airport, waiting for us when we get out of a long car ride, or walking up Cassie's scary stairs and sitting in her kitchen. Joy. Contentment. Connection. Happy.
I love redecorating...I'd love to move, but that's not going to happen, so redecorate it is!!
I love it when those jeans that didn't, now DO fit!! (Keep you posted on this little happy maker)
I love it most when people are real with me. Don't pick and choose what they tell for fear of judgment or my reaction. I love it when I can support someone through their tough times and look them in the eye and say "I LOVE YOU!!!".
I love...and I wish for you, people who live out that love in your life...and people that you love unabashedly. So take the time to connect. Linger over that meal or drink. Laugh more and sigh less. Forgive people for being people...and enjoy them. Life is short and unpredictable. Things change in a heartbeat...
Choose Joy...as my friend says...choose peace...choose happiness. Because it is a choice. And like a book I used to read Cassie (because it had Cassie the caterpillar wearing glasses, among other things!!), I'd choose YOU.
Wednesday, August 29, 2007
I went to grab something from Kimberlee's car last night and we ended up talking till after midnight.
A couple of things came from that conversation:
~~Life is short, it changes in an instant and we need to live our life to the fullest every day. Easily said, yet I fall into complacency and going through the motions far too easily.
~~We need to be friends others can count on in crises. Not just "I'll pray for you", but in action too. Joseph was so disappointed that none of his friends called him Sunday or Monday to see how the wedding went. That's what I"m talking about...reach out. Remember. Make a little meal or deliver a flowering plant, send a card. Just a "you matter on this earth and you matter to me" gesture.
~~God is amazing...developing compassion and empathy, conviction and strength in each of us differently.
~~Kimberlee gags. It makes me gag. Lord help me never to see that again. Seriously. Thought i was gonna vom.
~~Cars get hot when the air is turned off. And I"m not the only bug-magnet on earth!!
And a few questions someone passed on to me!!
1) What state are you in and have you always lived there? IL If not where else have you lived? NY, NJ, MI, WI
2) If married, how long have you been; 22 years in October
3) How many children and grandchildren do you have? 2 children, no grandchildren. Do you think you'll have more grandchildren? I hope so!! More would be ONE!!
4) Do you work outside the home? NO What is your job and how long have you been doing it? I was trained to be an accountant, and being a numbers nerd, I still love it. I'd go back to it in a heartbeat if I could find one that isn't year end psychosis!! I did it for 10 years and love it...
5) Did you go to college? yes graduate? yes, in 1990 after going part time for 9 years If so, what is your degree? BS in accounting
6) What job would you love to have? I'd love to teach or do youth ministry again
7) Will you remain in your current home/state when you retire? Sadly, probably. Do you have plans for that retirement and when it will be? No plans...it will be in another 20 years!! Sheesh
8) What is your favorite household chore? Aren't those words diametrically opposed? What is your least favorite household chore? All of them. Ok, I like organizing, but that's not an ongoing thing.
9) What do you feel confident giving advice about? Lessons learned in not spreading myself too thin
10) Have you ever met a famous person? Yes Who? Oprah WInfrey When? when Joseph was in 2nd grade, Cassie in 5ht. Whatever year that was Where? we were on her show for homeschooling, back when homeschooling was unique!!
11) Where is your favorite vacation spot? Hmmm...the carolinas, and recently FL
12) What is your favorite food? Portillo's chili dog, Drink? iced tea, chocolate martini, hot tea
13) Do you have any pets? no....What?
14) What is your favorite leisure time activity? Scrapbooking
15) What kind of books/movies/TV do you like best? books, suspense; movies, same; TV, football games or dramas
Sunday, August 26, 2007
from the east...from the west. That old girl scout song is echoing in my head. And today wasn't what I thought it would be. It was beautiful here...no indication of the weather we had on Thursday and Friday. The sky was a bright blue, the temperature was fabulous and there was jsut a light breeze. We got there early for the "rehearsal" which was the head priest telling Paul what he'd be doing, after we waited outside for a good 20 minutes. And then Cassie got there in Lindsay's car.
Paul's parents came...his dad looked great!! There were times we could tell that Phil wasn't really connecting, but he looked fabulous and followed almost everything that was going on. I was so happy to see them and I know that it meant alot to Paul that they came.