Wednesday, August 27, 2008

Finally unpacked

from last week's crop (I guess it's almost 2 weeks now), and last weekend's impromptu trip to the scrapbook expo. I decided I was going to do it RIGHT,not just a stash and dash. And so it took longer, but now everything is prepared and ready to be used, away where it belongs.

And not letting the situation with Paul dictate the terms of my life (trying to find my healthy center here!!), I did a nice cleaning on the house, washed the windows, started reading a book on Anger in marriage (seemed appropriate!!) and began exercising again. HELP ME!!! I always quit this and I really need some encouragement on that front!!

I sorted all my layouts (like 100 of them) into the right album. A weekend project is to get them in the page protectors (all of my albums need more inserts!!)

And babysat the little man last night...Cassie and Chris had their first anniversary

Wednesday, August 13, 2008

some thoughts on IL...

so the challenge here is to take the letters of Illinois and make two lists. One that tells what I love about it and one that I hate about ya go!!

I--I'm totally familiar with it...know where every thing is
L--Leaves changing colors
L--ladies who I admire, laugh with, learn from
I--it's where my family is...mostly
N--Nieces love it here and visit me!!
O--Only Bears fans need apply
I--it was a great place to homeschool my kids
S--seasons...the bulbs popping up in the spring, ice covered trees, fall colors. Ok, I hate summer

I--I hate the cold
L--Loser sports teams are our reputation but it's a LIE!
L--Living so far from M&M, Judy, etc.
I--it would be nice to not have asthmatic attacks
N--neighbors are rude (not in the whole state, I'm just talking about my neighborhood)
O--oppressive traffic. ALWAYS!!
I--income tax going up every darn year
S--squishy. People keep moving here. Developments everywhere

Thursday, August 7, 2008

Busy week

with a major storm, asthma, Cassie and Chris dropping by and getting some scrapping done. Feel pretty if only I could breathe!!
This was the radar on Monday (I think) night...three tornadoes blew through here, one touched down in Bolingbrook, and dumped a ton of rain. The irony is that it was cooler BEFORE the storm...

He makes the funniest faces...sucking on his gums, looking at us incredulously, and in general showing his really BIG personality!! I pulled out a book for him, Goodnight Moon, which he proceeded to lick, gum, eat, pat and occasionally look at the pictures!
It was a nice surprise on a day I felt physically drained; and I could barely talk!!

My two favorite layouts for the last few days...A couple of pictures I'd had blown up with no real plan except that I liked them alot!!

Friday, August 1, 2008

Emailed the lawyer today

to take the next step toward divorce. Divorcing my childhood sweetheart, the first person I trusted with my family's real picture, the father of my children, breaker of my heart, the single biggest disappointment I have ever dealt with in my life.
There is something particularly crushing about watching someone NOT fight for a relationship, but this is a pain I can't even put into words...the awareness that he'd rather just wait for the end, telling himself that we'll make it through this, then slink off to bed without even saying good night. Would rather work on recovery once a week and say he was doing all he could than face the heartbreak of who he has been and choices he has made and the devastating results of all of that. And then move on.
That for all my fight, for all my passion, for all my love and for all my forgiveness, I couldn't make it work. I couldn't get him to see I needed more than an update on the flooded basement. I needed a man willing to invest in our marriage, our family more than going to work and coming home. That this addiction, as my pastor said, created a hole in him that needs to be filled. And changing to the 4th counselor and reading another book while implementing nothing of it willnot do it.
I don't know how I will get through chest feels like it's going to explode. I can't sleep. I eat, but always feel sick after I do. And after crying for a week, I thought I was done. But he walked away again tonight...has nothing to say on the day I tell him I've taken the next step. I never thought I'd be able to say I love him, hate him and can't be married to hiim any more. My head cant' wrap itself around the contradictions. I stare off into space and realize an hour has gone by again. I've done nothing....lost in my thoughts and shut down.
I wish I had filed three years ago. There was a part of me then that knew he wouldn't fight for us, that we weren't important enough in his life.
I can't believe he really isn't going to do anything but hide and make excuses. How did we get to here? How did he make it ok within him to just quit on us? To let us go through all this pain, for me to walk through the betrayals that I've dealt with and just think things would be ok in the end.
And being the mature person I am, I went through and threw out all the willow tree angels that were couples...and the hugging couple I gave him that's been sitting on his empty nightstand for 9 months. What I wanted to do was chuck them at his head. So I guess just tossing them was an improvement...I can't take one more reminder of what we AREN"T. What we won't be. As he sleeps next door. I cry.