I remember Halloween as always being cold and rainy. I mean ALWAYS! I guess that's what growing up in the midwest gets ya!! This year seems to be a half exception: rainy but warmer. YEAH!! Who needs Halloween costumes under a winter coat??
It's been a pretty tough week this past week, and quite frankly, I am being carried through on faith and scripture and prayers of friends and family.
Business meeting last week was a joke, as usual. Dog and pony show and a one way ticket out the door for many people. I promised Karla I would stay through the business meeting and I did. I'm glad to be released from this fight. Went to Southwest this weekend and really liked it. The people are not friendly, and I mean AT ALL. But our small group was there and I know 2 other people, so it'll bridge the gap till I meet more people. It's great to hear preaching from the Bible, not a little Bible squeezed in the preaching and stories and jokes. Then there was the disastrous game. Sigh.
Friday I told Paul I wanted a divorce and if he wasn't going to do that to move into the guest room. After COMMITTING almost 3 weeks ago to fight for our marriage, to plug into Joseph daily and do his recovery work daily and talk to me about it, ten days roll out with nothing but silence. More silence. More time. Waiting. Sinking realization that nothing is happening. More time. Fights. Silence. Finally, after 10 days, I say "SO I guess you aren't doing anything to fight for our marriage Paul?", to which he responds "I have been doing it. There just was nothing new to talk about so I didn't." That was Wednesday. I just don't want to spend the rest of my life pressuring, prodding, fighting, creating a crisis to make anything happen.
So Friday, of course, I have MOPS and SS and shove it all aside at MOPS and cry through SS for the most part. He comes home and has all this stuff he wants to share. AGAIN. It's a crisis, and he doesn't show up till his back is against the wall.
It makes me so sad for him. that he wold be willing to accept this kind of life, because he's afraid to let his feelings show. But if he won't show anger or grief, he also can't feel joy, or hope, or love. And the light dawns for me. NO WONDER I don't feel loved by him, and never have. You can't pick and choose which feelings you have...only feeling the good ones and never the bad.
I want him to be healthy, and whole, and how God made him to be. Not shut down, controlling and afraid. I want him to experience freedom and faith and God's amazing love and grace. Not think he has to do something to earn it or whatever it is that he thinks. I'm so sad for him, for us. For Joseph to have to watch this. For Cassie, grappling with whether she is responsible or not (NOT). For Paul. That he feels, for a brief moment, and then shuts himself down again. Life the Iceman Cometh. It's crushing to watch him do it again and again. Because I know what comes next in this process, of him shutting down his thoughts feelings and realizations. They quit coming. He quits. We lose.
I love him fiercely. Have since we were 13. Looking into his eyes, and thinking back to that track and the lockers and the catwalk, leaning against his car and kissing on my birthday. I don't think that love will ever go away. Get buried maybe, under hurt and disappointment and all that. He is the man God chose for me, brought into my life, formed our marriage and family.
And so, here it is again. I pray. I cry out to God. Literally, tears on my face, Lord help me, help us. Heal him, heal me, heal our family. And I wait.
Hoping that this time is different, but realizing that it's shaping up like all the other times. Waiting for a miracle, hoping for Paul to hear and respond this time. But is it hope when I really don't think that he will? We've been down this road so many agonizing times. God shows up, softens my heart, convicts and makes Paul aware. Paul shuts down. Round 47 or 470. I don' t know any more.