I decided

my deadline day is leap day. I'm too broken to keep this up, I can barely function and I'm getting physically sick. I need a vacation, which we can't afford anyway, and I'd end up back here with the same crap raining down nightly.
Last night, in an effort to start something new, Paul comes in and talks about money in a new way, telling me that money isn't the most important thing to him but that it is important. Ok, tell that to everyone who knows him. Tell that to his kids who waited for him to stop doing side jobs and notice they exist. Tell that to his nieces and nephews who know if UP is around it's pay your own way, don't even ask. Tell that to me, when his response to everything is how much is that going to cost. Wouldn't go to marriage counseling because he didn't want to pay for it. Doesn't want me to go to H@H because it will cost money. The cost/benefit conversation never even happens. Yep. I can tell money isn't the most important thing.
And then...at 230 after me telling him I don't want to talk, he tells me he's been struggling with anger, giving it up to God and it just won't go away...the two reasons? "I resent you for wanting to get a job to divorce me" and "I resent you NOT getting a job to relieve the pressure I feel". How the hell do I win here? The one thing he DOES do in our marriage and it's too much for him. I'm damned if I do and damned if I don't.
I really can't take this any more. I can't. I don't know what God wants from me here, but this can't be it can it? Nightly brawls with how I've failed as a wife, how he's tried as a husband (I tried to talk to you...about money of course) and accusations from him that three years of trying and wanting out now is not giving it my all.

sentences

I don't know how to process.
1) I know I shouldn't, but I love money more than you
2) I love you more or less depending on how well we're getting along
3) I don't know what love is or if I'm even capable of love

I really don't even know why we're still married. As he keeps verbalizing, I keep thinking, "What the hell am I doing here?" What is wrong with me that I'd stay in a marriage that is reflected in those three statemens. There's one more thing he said, and they come so fast these days I don't even recall them. What am I doing married to a man who doesn't even know what love is? I'm not just venting here. I'm really trying to figure this out. What keeps me in this marriage?
Because all these years of "abusive neglect" as our pastor put it, and all the broken, empty promises that didnt' last a week, and the never ending cycle of forgiveness, please give me one more chance, not showing up, is breaking my spirit. Breaking my heart.
And then people who see us nce a week say things like "embrace each other, really. just give each other a good long hug. It's healing" or "God has great plans for your marriage." Well, no doubt that God does. But is his plan that I just keep taking this emotional dumping and then keep going. If this were fists instead of words, everyone in their right mind would say get out. But because it's only words, followed with the inevitable "please make me feel better about myself" cycle, people think they sit in a place of being able to give encouragment to stay, stick it out, trust God.
I don't know what to do. I'm lost and sad and defeated and feel so alone and so much like I wasted all these years. And then I remember my kids. And I am thankful. So I guess the return on even this "oh my god, he doesn't even know how to love me. At least he admits it" realization is that I have two amazing people in my life that wouldn't exist if we hadn't gotten married.
Tears come and I push them away b/c Joseph doesn't need any more of this crap in his day. But he knows. I'm not really hiding anything from him. He's a smart, insightful kid. And then more tears come for my kids...they deserve better than this...

Do you think...

that taking 50 pix of my little man is excessive? That would be how many were shot tonight while we were babysitting...not counting our phone pix. He's just so darn cute and it takes 10 pix to get a good one, but here are some of my faves from tonight....

Cassie and Chris dropped him off about 345 and I had him all to myself till about 615. It was a real hardship, but I managed. After figuring out how to set up a pack and play, after 3 hours, I figured out we wont' need that for SOME time. He's just little and easy to hold and so darn compact. Anyway, here he is in all his glory!!




Who are you going to vote for??? Let me think...

Wait!! i have an idea...now where did I leave my pacifier???






Can they not tell I have a dirty diaper? Paul changed him too soon...and the he pooped as Paul was changing him...which is why I always waited. LOL





Our first self portrait. That's what it's going to take to get me in a picture!!

It takes 20 years to become

an overnight success and it will take that long for me to be current in scrapbooking, but here's a start!! I went to an all day crop and got pages 10 done. It's been fun to look at these old pictures and take a little trip down memory lane. I laughed out loud at some of them, and of course Joseph had to come in to see what I was doing and joined me.
So here are my favorites from this weekend...




This one is from a day we took my niece Tori out for her birthday. She was queen for the day and we had a great time. Unfortunately, she moved right after this and we were never able to do it again. My intent was do make it a yearly tradition.
I used a Becky HIggins sketch and some ancient paper and some random yellow ribbon that was just laying on the table. It's one of my favorite visual layouts from the crop.





I didn't even know I had these pictures. They were mixed in with vacation shots (actually, all of these were...) and I was pleasantly surprised to have an opportunity to scrap such a great event. I love going women's events. They energize me and always give me some life changing nugget. The nugget that year was "zippered heart". The concept that we can have conflicting feelings side by side and that they don't need to be resolved. I've used that phrase thousands of times since then. It just perfectly describes some things!!

The layout was from a sketh challenge from Luv2scrap, withthe same left over paper and a charm I've had for YEARS and never used. The ribbon is an olive color that matches the leaves and I like how this one turned out...


These I love for the pure memories of those days...One with Cassie the easter before JOseph was born when we were at Linda's for an egg hunt in her backyard int he city...the others in the years since Joseph was born. Since they were going to be side by side, I wanted them to visually similar without being twinkies. So funny to see a kit that dates to the 2002-2003 range with a brand-new cricut title cut out.

Without forgiveness, life is governed by an endless cycle of resentment and retaliation. Something I want to remember

So I was thinking the other night...

as I waited to hear from Cassie, that I've seen the end of life and the very beginnings. Being a participant in birth, C-section style, is soooo different from being alongside someone who is in labor and giving birth. It really is. When it was my kids, all I cared about was "were they healthy" and "how much longer" and stuff like that. With Cassie, I wanted to be a witness to her strength, when she could no longer sense it. I wanted to encourage her in those tough times. As time went on, I was more and more in awe of her strength, her determination, her ability to find that zone that Cindi talked about. And then it was done. And off they go to be a family, to begin the journey that we began almost 20 years ago ourselves.
And on the other end, being with my dad as he grew weaker and weaker, more and more silent and nearer and nearer death gave me a great respect for the men and women who work hospice. Who day after day and week after week, witness other's suffering and loss. I don't know how they do it. I was so grateful for the borrowed time with dad, to mend our broken relationship and to laugh with him again. And then, slowly, painfully, and the with relief at the end, he took one slow step at a time toward His maker.
No one will ever convince me, after seeing both ends of life, that we are not a people who receive miracles and wonders to this day. To see my dad's peaceful face as he passed, and to see my grandson's blue, then pink face as he entered the world, reminds me of what I already know.
There is an awesome God who created us out of an overflow of love; out of a desire for connection with us; out of an abundance of grace and creativity. I forget that sometimes in the busy-ness of my life. But this week, I have pondered it alot.
And pondered how to be a grandma without being a helicopter parent, how to help Cassie but not too much, how to get caught up on 20 years of scrapbooking so I can attack my new "victim" with abandon!! LOL

Our little mister is here...

Two big events this winter...the Packer game and Cassie's delivery. So the packer game is frigid and bitter cold. And we get dumped with LOTS of snow the night before Cassie goes to the hospital. I wanted the baby to know what kind of day he was born on, but I skipped the pix of 13 accidents I saw on the way to the hospital.

Just to give you an idea, I bottomed out everywhere until I hit 80...which is where all the accidents occurred.



But got there and parked next to a drift about twice my size...and off we went.





Her labor was induced about 8 am, and after 15 hours, and three pushes, here he IS!! She really was amazingly strong and just did whatever she had to do next. No complaints and no whining. Just strength and determination.

















Paul and Joseph headed up to the hospital about 11:20, and arrived just in time for the nurse to decide to help Cassie take a shower and clean the baby up a bit. So we sat out in the waiting room for an hour before delivering her gourmet cuisine...McDonald's double cheeseburgers!!




And here is our little sweet pea. This morning, after laying on Cassie's chest most of the night, he is quite pink and round and looking very very much like Cassie did at 3 months. He has Chris' dimples and black hair, but not much of it at all.



Ronald Nathaniel, 7 lbs, 3 oz. 20 inches long.

Born at exactly 11:00 on 2/1/2008.