Tuesday, November 20, 2007

Paul is officially

my age. Every year. I mean every year. Every SINGLE year. Paul belabors the point that I am older than him. Which forces me to belabor the point that he LOOKS older than me. Always trumps. But I like the way he's aging. I like his crinkled eyes. I like his grey hair. His blonde hair was ok, but grey just looks good on him. I like his gold reading glasses. I think they make him look hot. Seriously. I LOVE him in his reading glasses. I love the way he looks up over his glasses. I love how they make his eyes look more blue.
We went to the Promenade to celebrate his birthday. Ate at Ted's Montana Grill. Overpriced and the food was NOT that good. SO now we know. Then on to say hi to Lindsay at her job. She's working at Aeropastale now. It was fun to see her...she's all ready for black Friday. Can check a person out with 6 items and 2 accessories in under 90 seconds. Funny that they literally time their employees. At the mall, they may check out quickly, but it's the 10 minutes waiting for someone to show up that is a pain the butt!!
They had a light show, like the Siberian Orchestra, with the music piped in to co-ordinate with the music. It was fun but only 4 songs long. Perfect day for walking around outside.
He said his birthday was good. But literally noONE remembered to call him or text him. At least he acknowledged that was a disappointment...usually he'd say it was fine. Little baby steps toward being honest in his feelings.
Oh...and I gave him a CD of a book he liked and wanted to listen to again and again and a very nice shirt/sweater combo so he could wear it for Christmas.
It was a good evening and I"m glad we spent it together.

Monday, November 12, 2007

It's been quite a week. but

not even a week i guess. I could go on and on about Paul's family and all of that. But I think I'm going to try to put it in the rear view mirror. The good thing that came out of all of it is that Paul can live free of keeping secrets (although I wept at my part in not protecting his wishes) and he didn't have to tell them and see the looks on their faces. I will say that for all the horrible things that were said that night, his specific addiction wasn't up for discussion. That is a big comfort to me since I always thought it wouldn't be that big of a deal if they knew...except his mom, who is scathing with her judgment and tongue, but she was too busy skewering me to judge him. I'm thankful for that.
And even in the midst of all of this, good things have happened. Talks and heart level sharing and our kids REALLY rallying around Paul. I just bawl at him sitting there and listening to what his mom had to say about me...how could anyone EVER say stuff like that to their son with such a cold heart, not with an ounce of concern for HIM? And his dad's heart being so tender and sweet...

Saw Theresa's house finally. It's really nice...roomy and open and a clean slate for them to do what they want. I'm excited for her. She got rid of a TON of stuff...and is really trying to keep things orderly. It's about 10 minutes closer to our house...and way less of a pain to get to, so I'm excited about THAT too!!

Cassie and I had our first girls night in...just the two of us tired selves. It was funny and nice and relaxing...even though we got TOTALLY lost going to the Chinese food place. It was good to just talk and help her out a little bit. I'm looking forward to our next one already.

And...I've been literally mourning the loss of my beloved cookbook for a year. It's the only one I really use with any regularity and I KNEW I wouldn't give it away...but I couldn't' find it anywhere. I also didn't think I'd lend it out because it's a treasure. Well...I DID Lend it to Kimberlee. I'm telling you I"ve torn my house apart more than once looking for it. And then the other day we were talking and I was lamenting my beloved lost cookbook and happened to mention the name of it, saying "I canNOT believe I still can't find my St Mary's cookbook. I wonder where it is?" To which she says...in my hands. I about died. I thought she was kidding, but the next day, there it was...once again in my hot little hands!! WOOHOO!!!

Final thoughts...someone asked what it was like before I was a mom...and here's my answer.

Before I was a mom…
I never knew the comfort of smelling clean baby smell
Or the disgusting smells small boys can create.
I never read a book I didn’t like just because someone else did
Never swallowed a lump in my throat as someone walked out the door
Or stopped reading a storybook because it was making me cry
Never worried about someone else’s driving, or making friends in school.
Never felt so much responsibility for a life that wasn’t mine.
Never scrubbed caked on poop in places I should never see on another body
Never lost nights and nights of sleep to comfort a sick child who couldn’t breathe
Never played barbies ad nauseum, memorize entire passages of star wars, or bought oatmeal. (really what child LIKES oatmeal???)
Never bought new underwear while out for the day because of a major accident.
Never had a gigglefest
Never went to mcdonalds against my will
Never cleaned up a soda spill so large it created its own tide pool
Never made a tide pool (yep, did it for a school project)
Never prayed for just one more night of sleeping through…and then used a spoon to see if they were breathing
Never stuck my finger in someone else’s mouth to see what was ingested
Or growing…
Never scraped another person’s poop onto a popsicle stick for diagnostic purposed
Never cleaned blood out of a beloved sweatshirt by scrubbing it and washing it 10 times in a row
Never dreamed that a small body could create that much work…or that much love…or grow my faith in a way that is beyond description.
Before I was a mother I lived an incomplete life and didn’t even know it.

Thursday, November 8, 2007

IN case you're wondering...

my blog is private again and will be private from now on.
Paul's family "the girls" to be exact, found my blog, read it and decided that I was defaming him, poisoning our kids against him, telling all our problems to anyone who wants to read it, taking no responsbility for any problems in our marriage, and printed out excerpts so his mom could read it and present it to Paul last night.
I"m devastated at my own naivete. That I never thought that they might do something like that. That in 180+ entries, they find 2 that are raw in my brokenness and that's all they see.
So sad and sorry for Paul. That I created this mess. That his family is who they are and react how they do. That they don't care in any kind of healthy way.
SO my thoughts will be for those I trust. No wonder he trusts no one. Now I struggle with who to trust.
I'm so angry. Sad. Fighting the feeling of guilt...

Tuesday, November 6, 2007

Ten things I'd tell my younger self...

Top 10 Things I’d Tell My Younger Self
1. Don’t be afraid. Most of the things you’re afraid of are either completely overblown or extremely unlikely to happen. There's alot to be said for "there is nothing to fear but fear itself"

2. Live for now. Find things to enjoy about life right now that make it worth living. Things won’t magically get better without your effort. Stop fantasizing about how great it’s going to be in the future and make it better today.

3. Don’t waste time. You are NOT going to have more time to do things you want to do in the future. Get that idea out of your head. Quit waiting for the next phase of life to do things. It will NEVER slow down...

4. Chase your dreams. Don’t dismiss your deepest desires as pipe dreams. Take a good look at them and think about what you want out of life. Just about everybody is telling you to take the safe path and get a safe, boring job. Don’t.

5. Do what you want. Stop doing what everyone expects you to do and start doing the things you want. No one can live your life for you. Don't be so concerned about what everyone else thinks of what you are doing. Be smart and straightforward and don’t be afraid to speak up about what you want...but do it with respect.

6. No one is responsible for your happiness. Decide what you want to do and do it. Make friends with people who value you. Cultivate hobbies. Finish college now. Do whatever it takes...and don't stay home for a guy. Live your college dream, not a watered down version of it. Read great books that you love. Laugh more and dwell less. Choose each day to be content. Don't wait for someone else to deliver you happiness on a platter.

7. If you spend money now assuming you’ll have plenty later, you won’t. Everybody thinks they’re going to make a ton more money in just a few years. You might, but you’ll have more than enough expenses to eat up every bit of it and more. Do NOT run up your credit cards. DON'T DO IT DON'T DO IT DON'T DO IT!!

8. Set goals. Make plans for what you really want to accomplish. Write them down and stick with them. It’s worth it to spend a bit of time hashing out the things you really want. Don’t worry, you can always change them as your life changes, but they’ll give you something concrete to shoot for.

9. Do something every day to work toward your goals. Don’t let a day go by without having contributed in some way to the goals you have set.

10. Choose your battles. The world is NOT your enemy. Remember that when everything seems set against you. The world simply doesn’t care. Don’t view everything in terms of us against them. Don’t argue when it does more harm than good.

specific prayers...and answers

One of my specific prayers (which in this case was a result of our Bible study agreeing to pray specifically for our needs in November) was for Paul to have an emotional connection regarding our marriage. In a nutshell, to feel on a heart level, what damage his addictions have done to our family…to me…to our relationship. Not so that I could beat him up but because the ONLY time I’ve seen an iota of change in behavior has always been preceded by him GETTING it at a heart level, not just saying the words.
Following a night of fights for him not showing up for the ONE THING he said he wanted (pay bills together), last night going to bed was not filled with hope to say the least.
Well, he read Psalm 13 as part of his devotional this morning, and I do not even know how to explain what happened. He came to the door, said “ger, can I come in?” and started weeping. I thought one of his parents died. Really, I did. And after about 20 minutes of him crying, he was able to tell me what happened and that he understands how he’s made me alone in our marriage all these years. That he understands "the anguish of my soul" and me crying out to God regarding this (one of the things I told him Thursday night was I prayed when the kids were little that I would pray that I lived (esp. when I found out I had cancer) till the kids were old enough to take care of themselves (like 20's) because not only was he checked out he didn't even care to find out where the insurance stuff was...that I would cry to God about that at night sometimes)
I’m still stunned. Happy for him. But stunned.
God is amazing…and I’m amazed that Paul allowed those feelings to surface. And I was able to comfort him and show him that I would not belittle his feelings and he was able to realize that his fears (losing control and never getting it back, dying, seeming weak) were unfounded. And that not only did he not seem weak to me, praise the LORD, I felt respect for him. Tenderness and compassion and kindness.
Can I tell you that sincerity is one HOT characteristic??? I seriously have never been more attracted to him than this morning, with him bawling and boogers and all of it. He was real.
Now my specific prayer is that he will remember this and stick it. That he won’t hide back behind his mask again. 22 years I have waited. Literally, have NEVER seen him connect emotionally regarding me. NEVER. Until Friday.
And so...
resentment of me gone, he says. Raised his hands in church Sunday, went to communion, says he feels like he's really making progress mentally.
I am trying hard to stay in the present, to be positive, to be supportive and kind and all that.
I am thankful for him, for what he is allowing God to do in his life, for him really HEARING God's voice on Friday. I think this is what the result of being jealous FOR someone, not jealous OF them gets...but that's another bible study story!! LOL

Thursday, November 1, 2007

Thoughts from my Tapestry devotional in October

God has provided a way for His cihldren to lead disciplined lives. He gave the indwelling Holy Spirit who produces this characteristic in us. John 16:13 shows the Holy Spirit to be a gentle helper. We have to listen for His voice, acknowledge Him, and then obey.

God is the God of the impossible. He is able to heal and deliver those who seek His help. (Jer 3227)

Proverbs 16:9 reminds us that while we make plans, but God directs our path. God knows that is best, for individuals and families. If we are seeking Him and listen to His voice, we can be confident that He will reveal His will for our family.

Begin to think of all the blessings God has given you. If you are going through a difficult time right now and feel as if you have little to be thankful for, thank Him for your salvation, for air to breathe, clean water to drink.

If you are waiting for God to answer a prayer, ask Him to show you how He is already at work, and praise His faithfulness. Resist the temptation to step in and take matters into your own hands. Patiently allow Him to continue His work.

Temptation itself isn't a sin. It's when we yield to the temptation that we sin. We, too, have a choice every time we are tempted to believe one of Satan's lies. It's our choice, moment by moment. We can give in and act upon the temptation or we can submit our will.

Marriage can be difficult at times. We are called to serve others--and that includes our husbands. When we focus on loving our husbands for who they are and the way God made them, we will be surprised at the treasures we'll uncover. We will be more content with life as it is, more joyful when we're together and more grateful for the man God gave us as our lifetime partner. . Let's makes Paul's words to Philemon our daily prayer for our husband: "I always thank God when I mention you in my prayers"

Romans 12:9-18 outlines what our behavior should be with our friends. We are to truly love them with brotherly affection and take delight in honoring one another. This includes telling the truth, being accountable to one another, and encouraging each other in faith. Seeok to grow more deeply through transparency and trust.

God never intends for us to be hopeless. He has provided instructions in His word for handling relationships that have been damaged by sinful behavior. God has provided many avenues for help, but nearly always, that first step is up to you.

God does not always choose to eliminate the consequences brought on by past mistakes (yours or others), but the prayers of repentent children never go unheard. Agaod has a way of putting our afflictions to good use, touching lives by the testimony of someone who without God wiould otherwise be without hope.

It is expected taht every decision made iwth the desire to be obedient to God will be attacked. Spread your doubt before the Lord. Pray for correction of any wrong in thinking or doing and for His word of assurance for what action to take. If there is nothing else required of you at this moment, leave it at that. Trust God. Put the whole weight of your doubts and cares on Him.

In Mark 10:27, we are reminded that "all things are possible with God." Whether we need help with a decisin, a relationship, career or a task, He does not leave us in our weakness but provides the direction, wisdom and help we need in every situation.

There is no 'but' when it comes to God's forgiveness.