Wednesday, October 31, 2007


I remember Halloween as always being cold and rainy. I mean ALWAYS! I guess that's what growing up in the midwest gets ya!! This year seems to be a half exception: rainy but warmer. YEAH!! Who needs Halloween costumes under a winter coat??
It's been a pretty tough week this past week, and quite frankly, I am being carried through on faith and scripture and prayers of friends and family.
Business meeting last week was a joke, as usual. Dog and pony show and a one way ticket out the door for many people. I promised Karla I would stay through the business meeting and I did. I'm glad to be released from this fight. Went to Southwest this weekend and really liked it. The people are not friendly, and I mean AT ALL. But our small group was there and I know 2 other people, so it'll bridge the gap till I meet more people. It's great to hear preaching from the Bible, not a little Bible squeezed in the preaching and stories and jokes. Then there was the disastrous game. Sigh.
Friday I told Paul I wanted a divorce and if he wasn't going to do that to move into the guest room. After COMMITTING almost 3 weeks ago to fight for our marriage, to plug into Joseph daily and do his recovery work daily and talk to me about it, ten days roll out with nothing but silence. More silence. More time. Waiting. Sinking realization that nothing is happening. More time. Fights. Silence. Finally, after 10 days, I say "SO I guess you aren't doing anything to fight for our marriage Paul?", to which he responds "I have been doing it. There just was nothing new to talk about so I didn't." That was Wednesday. I just don't want to spend the rest of my life pressuring, prodding, fighting, creating a crisis to make anything happen.
So Friday, of course, I have MOPS and SS and shove it all aside at MOPS and cry through SS for the most part. He comes home and has all this stuff he wants to share. AGAIN. It's a crisis, and he doesn't show up till his back is against the wall.
It makes me so sad for him. that he wold be willing to accept this kind of life, because he's afraid to let his feelings show. But if he won't show anger or grief, he also can't feel joy, or hope, or love. And the light dawns for me. NO WONDER I don't feel loved by him, and never have. You can't pick and choose which feelings you have...only feeling the good ones and never the bad.
I want him to be healthy, and whole, and how God made him to be. Not shut down, controlling and afraid. I want him to experience freedom and faith and God's amazing love and grace. Not think he has to do something to earn it or whatever it is that he thinks. I'm so sad for him, for us. For Joseph to have to watch this. For Cassie, grappling with whether she is responsible or not (NOT). For Paul. That he feels, for a brief moment, and then shuts himself down again. Life the Iceman Cometh. It's crushing to watch him do it again and again. Because I know what comes next in this process, of him shutting down his thoughts feelings and realizations. They quit coming. He quits. We lose.
I love him fiercely. Have since we were 13. Looking into his eyes, and thinking back to that track and the lockers and the catwalk, leaning against his car and kissing on my birthday. I don't think that love will ever go away. Get buried maybe, under hurt and disappointment and all that. He is the man God chose for me, brought into my life, formed our marriage and family.
And so, here it is again. I pray. I cry out to God. Literally, tears on my face, Lord help me, help us. Heal him, heal me, heal our family. And I wait.
Hoping that this time is different, but realizing that it's shaping up like all the other times. Waiting for a miracle, hoping for Paul to hear and respond this time. But is it hope when I really don't think that he will? We've been down this road so many agonizing times. God shows up, softens my heart, convicts and makes Paul aware. Paul shuts down. Round 47 or 470. I don' t know any more.

Thursday, October 25, 2007

You is great...

till you get a $700 cell phone bill. My son bought more texts with his new job's fabulous income. Well, that and his half of car insurance. Soooooooooooooooooo...with that increased text messaging he also got some internet use (5mb) but used 60 mb. That, at a penny per b is $600 in overages.
So I went to check our usage, like I always do...and surprise!! In the last week it went from the typical $100 cell phone bill to a $706 bill. Literally. I thought I was going to throw up. Then he thought he was going to when I got online and saw the detail that it was him. Then he informs me, in varying stages: (1) he was checking his myspace from his phone and (2) he was chatting online from his phone and (3) uh...woke up a couple of times several hours later with his phone still on and the Internet still connected. I think I know what one caused the problem.
Amidst much wailing and gnashing of teeth, 90% of his last check, current check (good thing he didn't buy anything with it) and his next check will go to at&t wireless via Paul and Geriann.

But besides that it was a good day!! LOL Still completely hoarse. And the upside of that little fiasco (yes, there is an upside to EVERYTHING) is we got it decreased by 10% because of Paul's job at Ford. And...switched to a package that made more sense anyway but one that we didn't know about. SO now we have unlimited texting to everyone and also picture and multimedia messages for the same price as we were paying for my unlimited mobile to mobiles and his 1500 text package. Which means I can text Cass again. Yeah!!

At first he thought AT&T should have let him know he was running low. I pointed out that in the adult world, where cell phones live, major corporations DO not have the responsibility of telling someone they are about to get pounded with a huge bill the customer ran up. It's the customer's responsibility to know what services he has used, and what applicable charges are being added. Oh the pain...seriously. Poor kid. He loves his money. He loved his cell phone. Not sure about that last one any more.

Tuesday, October 23, 2007

It's a good day...

to praise God. Because it's a good day!!
Because we woke up
Because we are healthy
Because we draw breath
Because we CAN praise God
Because we are loved
Because we are created in love
Because He holds our life in His hands
Because His spirit lives in us
Because we get re-does
Because we are forgiven
Because we can forgive (ok, so sometimes it's not easy)
Because He is trustworthy
Because He is constant
Because He is kind
Because He is merciful
Because it is all we can give back...
and the list goes on...

Monday, October 22, 2007

Busy, long, sick week

New haircut, old glasses. Got new ones since this picture was taken. Gotta love the straightener!!

So Tuesday night I went to Bible study. Have been going a couple of months now. Didn't expect much, especially when I called Lynda to say I was late (skirmish at home) but would be there, and she said everyone else cancelled and she hadn't heard from Vicki.
Well, I was wrong. One comment Lynda made, which was NOTHING. "Making a list really helps with sticking with priorities". That was it. Well, it's been a long time since I got an arrow in the heart like that from God. Because I did talks on this very thing to MOPS groups. THIS VERY THING. And what was my priority? Not getting a job so I could get divorced faster. Not leaving Joseph to a hot pocket dinner so I could make minimum wage because it was easier and less painful than being home. OH NO IT was NOT!! SO BAM!! Point made. Amidst crying. Why is obedience so darn hard sometimes? I always said (before Tuesday) that once I knew what God wanted me to do, it was what I did. Until Tuesday. I bawled, argued, cried. Anything but the hard road God. Really. Well, I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me isn't paraphrased to I can do all easy thing 0r all things I want to do. So. there ya have it. Conviction. Then a realization. When asked: who are you jealous FOR (not of) (darn those Beth Moore questions!!), my response: Paul, to be healthy, for him to know God's love and tenderness, healing and restoration. Cassie and Joseph, to have great relationships and a strong faith in God. For them all to live out what God has planned for them. If I thought I was crying before, this was a new one. Literally, the Bible study stopped. I hate crying in front of others (you think I'd get used to it as often as I do it") If that is my answer, I can't very well also say my heart is cold to Paul, that I don't love him anymore. I may be wounded, frustrated, sad, hurt, angry. But clearly there is something else buried way deep down.

I went home exhausted but peaceful.

Wednesday I woke up with no voice and a really, really tight chest. No Pastor Rick's last class. One conversation all day. Late dinner, tired, cough cough cough.

The good thing about having no voice: minimal distractions by phone. I got alot of scrapping done. ALOT. Why do I have energy to scrap but not to clean? LOL
Thursday, Cassie Lindsay Joseph and I were all supposed to go to a movie. Joseph forgot and made plans. Just as well since I was really miserable by then. Double just as well since the movie we wanted to see as a matinee had a first showing time of 4:20 and we needed like a 1:20 show. Maybe next week.

Friday, dragged myself to Soul Sisters, where Lynda did all the talking. I love that group. What an amazing group of ladies. I am blessed. Come home to find out my niece BROKE HER KNEECAP. I won't say how. But man. She is in some serious swelling and PAIN. And it was her good leg. Not any more. She sent me a picture. It looks like a stomach, it is so swollen. No definition. Poor thing. And here I am and can't do a darn thing from so far away. She's drugged. She needs to be. Poor baby. Sigh.

Sunday. Sad, hard, sad, sad sad. Rick and Dana say goodbye to Assembly. I could editorialize about them being called up on the altar for a goodbye thing, but I'll just leave that go. A beautiful party, indicative of them as people, both in church and as friends. Tears aplenty, food abounding, stories, laughter, celebration. Their new church is blessed to have them. I envy those's a small church and everyone will have the opportunity, should they choose to take it, to really get to know them. Lucky them. I could climb on the boo hoo train, but I guess I'm all cried out. I hope our friendship withstands the move. I know how hard it is to make that transition from breakfast into lunch dates to phone and email. Luckily, I"m in practice.

So here are a few layouts I did this weekend. I'm almost done with my summer trip to FL. Those words should not go together. But the weather was great, the fun was plentiful, laughter non stop and just plain GWOOOD!! So much fun. So glad I went. So blessed to call these guys family...and also friends. Goofballs.

Sunday, October 14, 2007

Slept through plan A today,

and really felt compelled to go to FAOG for church this morning. The first song I knew why. All of the songs they did this week were about hanging on, waiting for mercy, resurrection.
The final song were these words:
I'm at a loss for words, there's nothing to say
I sit in silence wondering what led me to this place
How did my heart become so lifeless and cold
Where did the passion go?
When all my efforts seem like chasing wind
I've used up all my strength and there's nothing left to give
I've lost the feeling and I'm numb to the core
I can't fake it anymore.
chorus:Here I am at the end
I'm in need of resurrection
Only You can take this empty shell and raise it from the dead
What I've lost to the world what seems far beyond redemption
You can take the pieces in Your hand and make me whole again, again
You speak and all creation falls to its knees
You raise Your hand and calm the waves of the raging sea
You have a way of turning winter to spring
Make something beautiful out of all this suffering
chorus 2:Here I am once again I'm in need of resurrection
Only You can take this empty shell and raise it from the dead
What I've lost to the world what seems far beyond redemption
You can take the pieces in Your hand and make me whole again, again
You have a way of turning winter to spring
Make something beautiful out of all this suffering

This literally has been the worse week in my marriage. Ever. I am tired. I am heartbroken and weary. And I am out of ideas of what to do. I long for peace, for a time when I don't feel like a failure, judged and found lacking, for a solution, not an excuse. It's been two and a half years of exhausting efforts, and at the end I'm told "when you pay off this bill enough, then I will be able to work on my resentment toward you and work on my part of restoring our marriage". He's blacking out of conversations, forgetting what is said, maybe realizing what I've been saying for months: you are right back where you are but instead of porn, it's money. I know I will only get through this by the grace of God. But what does the end of the road look like?

Now I've had to answer the crappy questions to both of my kids "are you two going to make it?", Cassie the day before she turned 17 and Joseph, yesterday, with "I don't know. It's up to your dad at this point." Joseph never asked. It breaks my heart. He hears us and knows. It's not like you can hide things from your kids no matter how skilled we think we are at it. They SNIFF out trouble, like a fresh brownie. And darn me for telling them I"d always be honest with them. Why couldn't I just lie and say "yeah, sure." then what? When he hears me crying or coughing in the living room at 2 in the morning. He knows. Even when I say "no, I just can't sleep". He knows.
I hate that my kids have to pay ANY price for our stuff. That my nieces and nephews are so disappointed and scared and hurt. That Joseph texts "I'm scared". It's not fair. And I don't know what to do beyond pray and get a job to pay off this all powerful bill.

Wednesday, October 10, 2007

GUESS WHAT?????????????

My baby, my once wee little one who has been growing up oh so much before my very eyes...well. He's driving. For real. Got his license yesterday. We had the required ravioli to celebrate, but I dared to use storebought sauce. "too oniony" Won't do that again!!

Here he is with his license!! WOOOHOOOOOOOOO!!!!
Third time was the charm!! He went the first time and wasn't in the computer, even though he had finished 3 months earlier.
Went the second time, it was Columbus Day and the DMV is closed on the Saturday before the holiday, so no luck then. But TUESDAY, OCTOBER 9TH.. Yes!!!!!!!!!!!!!! He drives.
Now the negotiation has begun on subs and woofers and music as a distraction. Keep checking back. I'll let you know how it goes!! Personally, I"m staying clear of it all.

Monday, October 8, 2007

I hurt my thumb

it's not a big deal, In fact, had I not hurt it the way I did, I doubt it would even be worth mentioning!!
And no, it wasn't AT a game. This picture is courtesy of my friend who DID go to a game and sent me some pix...I'll live vicariously through her!!

I was minding my own business, wearing my as-yet-undefaced Rex shirt (yes, I GOT one and just need the fabric paint to go to town on that one!!!), watchin a very intense game. Oh, very intense. First, intensely woeful, then intensely texted, and finally just intensely competitive. My boys were looking rough. ANd then I don't remember the play, but it was a gwoodie!! Freakish screaming, jumping up and down and high fives all around. Yeah. High fiving hurt my thumb. An injury to wear with pride. And so, it's the lead item on my (holy smokes it's almost been a week AGAIN) blog!!
FINALLY>>>>The Bears and my lovie came through for me. Make that a capitol L. LOVIE. He did look a bit ticked on Sunday...which Joseph pointed out via text and promptly was texted back "you're grounded". No more comments from THAT peanut gallery!!

OK, so back to my real life. Monday through Saturday life. Did a little scrapping and projecting (as in, doing projects, not barfing or skipping into the future mentally!!) and am quite happy to say that my desk is cleared off. Looking darn good if I do say so myself!!

I made this gratitude journal, and instead of doing dates, which is how most people do their's, I did categories: Family, journey and friends. I might do more to the inside cover, but I'm happy with it. I used my crop a dile, which I'm loving to pop holes in this thick cover. YEAH!! It's a darn good that is meant to be shared!!

Joseph went to get his license on Saturday. It was closed. He thinks he's destined not to get it. I told him third times a charm. Don't know what I'll say if he doesn't make it tomorrow, when he's planning on going AGAIN!!

Cassie and I spent the day together today. It was very nice. Really relaxing and fun and just girl agenda but to find maternity pants that fit. Check. Done. And now I know she's a size 12 so I can go to the resale shop without her and still get something that will fit. She's got a little baby bump. That darn little guy wouldn't kick for ME today. Sheesh. A little respect...LOL

At present, she's wearing two pair that my friend Lana gave her...thank GOD again for my friends. My sanity, my laughter, my maternity hookup!! They are the best...

And another niece, who shall remain nameless, burned her backside in a tanning booth. Why she told me, I'm not sure. But when I texted her the next day to see how her rear end was feeling... yep. Still sore. Mental note: do not let my naked bum be anywhere it can receive a sunburn.

This is a book quote journal I did as part of a challenge...the next image is the inside cover. I was pretty happy with the result of these...and again, all from my stash!!

Rick and Dana are moving. Sigh. Got nothing to say after that. Ok, well I do. I hope that this move is good for them, that this church realizes what gems they are, values them and embraces them and speaks blessings over them. Now, I have nothing to say after that.

Wednesday, October 3, 2007

Ok, so it's only Wednesday, but this week...

Rick resigned from FAOG. Not like I didn't know it was coming...but still. SO hard to sit there and watch Rick stand up there and read a letter that was honest, real, compassionate, strong and good-bye. Wondering so many things...glad for them to have a place that will respect them and WANT him...not like we didn't. But not a group of people EVERYONE in the church. I wish them well, even while feeling sorry for my own self. Sigh.

Then the Bears. Really. I'm giving them another week. They can do it. They are up against GB and ole' Brett's on fire. It should be a good game...even if only for the 10,000 texts I know I'll be shooting back and forth with my nieces.

Had a great time at Mongolian unlikely group of ladies meeting up and getting to know each other, laughing and vowing to do it again!!

Went out to lunch with my son in law. It was nice. No talking points, jsut getting to know each other a little better.

And Paul and I half had it out. That would be I told him how I felt and he stared at me. THen left for Bible study. I've lost hope. I just don't know what to do or how to do it or what to say or how to say it. We drift farther and farther apart...not like we're angry at each other. Just completely disconnected. It's heartbreaking.