One of my specific prayers (which in this case was a result of our Bible study agreeing to pray specifically for our needs in November) was for Paul to have an emotional connection regarding our marriage. In a nutshell, to feel on a heart level, what damage his addictions have done to our family…to me…to our relationship. Not so that I could beat him up but because the ONLY time I’ve seen an iota of change in behavior has always been preceded by him GETTING it at a heart level, not just saying the words.
Following a night of fights for him not showing up for the ONE THING he said he wanted (pay bills together), last night going to bed was not filled with hope to say the least.
Well, he read Psalm 13 as part of his devotional this morning, and I do not even know how to explain what happened. He came to the door, said “ger, can I come in?” and started weeping. I thought one of his parents died. Really, I did. And after about 20 minutes of him crying, he was able to tell me what happened and that he understands how he’s made me alone in our marriage all these years. That he understands "the anguish of my soul" and me crying out to God regarding this (one of the things I told him Thursday night was I prayed when the kids were little that I would pray that I lived (esp. when I found out I had cancer) till the kids were old enough to take care of themselves (like 20's) because not only was he checked out he didn't even care to find out where the insurance stuff was...that I would cry to God about that at night sometimes)
I’m still stunned. Happy for him. But stunned.
God is amazing…and I’m amazed that Paul allowed those feelings to surface. And I was able to comfort him and show him that I would not belittle his feelings and he was able to realize that his fears (losing control and never getting it back, dying, seeming weak) were unfounded. And that not only did he not seem weak to me, praise the LORD, I felt respect for him. Tenderness and compassion and kindness.
Can I tell you that sincerity is one HOT characteristic??? I seriously have never been more attracted to him than this morning, with him bawling and boogers and all of it. He was real.
Now my specific prayer is that he will remember this and stick it. That he won’t hide back behind his mask again. 22 years I have waited. Literally, have NEVER seen him connect emotionally regarding me. NEVER. Until Friday.
resentment of me gone, he says. Raised his hands in church Sunday, went to communion, says he feels like he's really making progress mentally.
I am trying hard to stay in the present, to be positive, to be supportive and kind and all that.
I am thankful for him, for what he is allowing God to do in his life, for him really HEARING God's voice on Friday. I think this is what the result of being jealous FOR someone, not jealous OF them gets...but that's another bible study story!! LOL