Wednesday, December 12, 2007


Paul describes our marriage as a battle field with bombs dropping...which is funny because my mental image is a minefield. I never know what I"m going to do to set off his judgment and cold distance and all that fall out.

I told him to find a place to stay, that it was clear to me that he'd be gone by Christmas. He didn't. I told him that it didn't matter to me if he had somewhere to go, that this last round of things that culminated in him telling me to prove that I was truthful in what we owed and were paying pushed me over the edge. I don't even know why I'm letting him stay at all. I wonder how he felt when he saw the numbers and I was actually overstating our debt. I wonder how he felt when he saw me walk away crying. From what I can see, he didn't get it. He says he did, but his big "I"m so sorry and I DO get what I've done" move was to text me yesterday. That's it. A text "I am glad you can express your feelings". Well that will certainly make things monumentally better.

These questions came through on a devotional I get, and I thought they were good.

What areas of your life are on hold because you are waiting for "it" to happen?
A lot of them. I have no energy to deal with much beyond my crappy marriage. I'm depressed and not working to even though I know I need to, don't care about Christmas coming, the IT is for my marriage to improve for more than a week.

What dreams have you discarded for fear that they will never be realized?
That one. That my marriage will improve, or even survive. That he will understand and act on that understanding, what the last three years have been like for me. That he will GET the damage he's done and WANT to fix things, not feel entitled for me to love him.

Do you see God as the only source of joy in your life?
Yes, but He's more the sustaining rock than a source of joy right now.

Identify and eliminate the "joy-stealers" at work in your life.
Expecting Paul to grow up. Thinking that he gets it. Waiting for or even thinking things will change for the better. Staying up too late. Complaining spirit. Criticising him.

What steps do you need to take in order to become a woman of joy?
Stop complaining, criticizing and get to bed at a decent hour.


Dor said...

Im so sorry Ger. I am here for you. I know the pain. Maybe not the exact pain, but I kinda know it. I wish we were sharing a cuppa tea together and hugging and sharing and crying and then laughing.
Im here Ger.
I know I am faraway now, but I am still here.
I love you. Dor

Coffee_Cassie said...

It breaks my heart that you have to go through this, Mom, it really does. I'm not dwelling on it, and I'm not going to do the AT thing, but I'm sorry you feel so unheard and unloved by Dad. I just wanted you to know that.