Friday, March 28, 2008

Even if you're on the right track...

you'll get run over if you just sit there!! LOL I love that Will Rogers quote!!
So here's a great shot of my little man's dimples and him holding his head up. He's so strong...this is early (7 weeks) to be doing THAT!! Isnt' he a cutie patootie?
Paul probably didn't think so as he was having a blow out and decorating not only himself, but the blanket he was on and Paul's jeans...brown. LOL It was perfect timing for me, since I had just handed him over like 3 minutes earlier!! LOL
It's been such an eventful week here!!

Met Dana for lunch. I miss her. It was great talking to her...catching up and laughing at ourselves. Can't wait to see their new house...

We had a reunion with my beloved youth group from St John's. I just love those guys. Seriously. I'm thinking I"ll make it a day before Easter tradition. We had a great time catching up. I was jumping up and down and squealing when some of them showed up...I hadn't seen them in 5 years. They are all grown up now...and doing well. Jose is a college grad; Caroling and Martha are both working and going to school part time; Margie, Flor and Claudia are all full time working women; Victor is a carpenter and Felipe is an architecture student; Cassie and Nydia are both moms full time. I'm proud of them!!

Then Easter here with Cassie and Chris and Ronnie; a ridiculously long egg hunt. Why? Because Joseph had to tell Paul that he was going to hide them this year; that he was done looking. Then changed his mind, said that this would be his last year Paul was, well, in a word, evil. Joseph spent an hour looking for eggs. AN HOUR!! Went to the point where his basket was hidden THREE TIMES and couldn't find it!! LOL I was laughing my head off.
We celebrated Cassie's bday witha dump cake, but forgot to sing happy birthday. Dopes. She ended up staying when Chris had to leave, so we got to visit made me happy. It always does. I love our relationship these days.

Then, her actual bday. Met for lunch, did a little shopping and alot of talking and laughing. Just had a great day...

Let's see...then Meesh's bday. Talked to her in her very few spare minutes between class and lectures and birthday dinner.

OMG>>>>In the midst of this, found out one of my nieces (Dawn) is pregnant. She's not sure when she's due, will find out April 8th. So here we go on the hunt for cheap/free baby goods. We've already got a crib and bouncy/vibrator seat, and a little baby gym for floor play.

I've got a ton of phone calls to catch up from this past week...that's on my to do list this afternoon~~

Wednesday, March 19, 2008

It ended up pretty much what I expected...

ok. So I knew the bottom of my deep dish baker was cracked (from last year when I put in water and it seeped out as I filled it), so I used the other part to cook the corned beef. It was odd. As I added the water for cabbage and veggies, I saw a drip. I wondered...but nah. It would break a year to the day that it's partner did. OH YES IT WOULD!!!

Ten minutes after putting it in the oven, I heard the most awful splattering...spattering...boiling? That made no sense. going out there to investigate...I see my beloved lid in at least 3 pieces, see a rivulet of water running toward the door (thus proving that my kitchen isn't level..big surprise) and brown things being washed out from under my stove. And pour on. And pour. So I call in the cavalry...JOSEPH!! HELP!!!!

Get the food switched to another pot, toss my pieces of pottery, clean clean clean. I get it pretty under control...and dinner was yummy.

No acknowledgement of this day, dinner, our conversation, or me. No conversation after dinner. Nothing. So after 3 hours I say "good night then" and no response.

Today is 3 years since God outed him. I made him a card acknowledging three years of being free from his addiction and left it for him to find this morning. I never thought we'd be what can I say about the last three years--

I have learned I don't need to be angry all the time. Honestly, it's much harder to let loneliness and sadness and disappointment surface than to hide behind anger. It's much harder to allow tears to come and feel that vulnerable and uncomforted than it is to fume, rand and rave. But I have found that as I pour it out in prayer, I feel peace. I have learned to rely on my relationship with God, on prompts from the Holy Spirit, on forgiveness day by day. I have learned that Paul may never be healthy. May never choose to do the work needed, because "I don't want to work the rest of my life" and "this is too hard" and "I just want to live, Ger, I don't want to do all of this". And so here I sit, three years later, listening to more self pity (his words) each day, more excuses each week, or no conversation at all.

I have seen my kids be angrier than I've ever seen them...but hearing them say it wouldn't do any good to tell Paul how they feel, so they stuff it. I wish they wouldn't. Not because I want them to beat up on Paul, but because they need to get it out in a healthy way. I've seen their relationships with each other and both of us struggle under the wt. of these last three years, and some of them collapse and begin the rebuilding process. I've seen them grow up faster, make both good and horrible decisions in reaction to our marriage problems.

I'd love to put on a happy face today, but I'm not happy. I am thankful...for grace and peace and others in my life to fill the void that Paul has left in his hiding. But no matter how great those people are, they aren't a husband. And I'm beginning to accept that this is Paul will ever heartbreaking as that is for me.

Monday, March 17, 2008

St Patrick's Day...

this is a significant day in our family. The day Paul and I hooked up and never looked back. I think it was round 3 by then, 25 years ago.
I got corned beef and cabbage; gonna make it tonight. Cancelled going out with Theresa in order to do it. I didn't realize when I set it up that it was St. Patrick's Day. It was just next Monday!! LOL
One of the speakers this weekend spoke about the difference between self pity and grief. Grief being "this is my situation, this is how I feel and letting the feelings come, rise up and then dissipate while living a life in other areas". Self pity being "me, me, me, what about me". So I'm feeling ok because I'm acknowledging my feelings but not wallowing in them.
It was startling to see all the women who attended the "alone in marriage" workshop. As Cindi pointed out...see you aren't alone. And I know I'm not.
So I made a card and left it under his blanket...acknowledging today and telling him I missed that guy who was my friend and lover and the one I laughed with.
Just doing the next right thing...that would be after apologizing for being sarcastic yesterday; telling him that I was hurt by the way he acted and not getting mad when he said "I know" and walked away; after trying to engage in any conversation; after texting him good night when he just went to bed while I went to the bathroom. I just want to write them when I do it, so when I get discouraged I can look back and remind myself that this is NOT too much. And that it's not about Paul being nice or receptive or responsive. It's about doing that next thing that God puts on my heart, without hesitation or argument or anger. Just do it.
I'm so thankful for that Intersection 242 3 week study. I think it's really changed my heart toward Paul for good. Looking at my stuff and leaving him to his. It's so heartbreaking to see him pull farther and farther away, to a darker and darker place and know that he has to do this with God...and let him get to the point of texting me for conversation without getting angry. Just sad. I can't force him to do what I need or want or even think is right. But I can be kind. And I can forgive. And I can do the next right thing.

Saturday, March 15, 2008

Wisdom is knowing what to do next

skill is knowing how to do it and virtue is doing it.
I don't know what to do next, so I guess I'll stop there. I committed to praying for Paul daily, every evening before I go to bed regardless of how I feel.
And every day he gets less responsive, colder and more unfeeling, goes off to bed every night with barely a small talk conversation. If I'm angry, he shuts down; if I"m sad, he's non responsive, and if I'm "normal", he's checked out.
I don't know what God is doing here, but I have to say I'm not enjoying it. I feel lonely and sad, abandoned and completely unloved by my husband.
Went back to Hearts at home this year. First time in three years. All kinds of feelings and struggles came to the surface...and Paul doesn't, won't, isn't even acknowledge what it all is. Walking back into the place where God outed him and started us on this road to honesty and all that has happened since then. To the same keynote speakers, when they usually rotate (I guess a three year rotation??), to the place where I'm called to be a better wife and mother, but also the place that I most identify with the worse crises in my life, year after year after year.
And every single workshop talked about not only what brought us to this point, but the aloneness of it all. One of the workshop leaders said I had grit, to keep my eye on the horizon while not ignoring the facts of my life. That she believes there's a great call on my life, far more than I can vision.
And I come home to Paul and Joseph watching a movie, a 5 minute synopsis of the day and back to the movie.
Oh..and not to forget being told the clock is broken. Silly, hopeful me thought he was coming back to listen, to show that he cared. Nope. Just another logistics update.
I'm so sad; I know I need to pour this out to God, and I do, but the tears keep coming and sleep won't. How did I end up so alone in a relationship that I valued so highly? What is God doing here, as the weeks and months and years go on? What am I supposed to be doing that I don't do? Why can't I just let all of this disregard not get to me so much? Why do I keep letting myself get hurt again and again and again? In order to get my expectations low enough to not get hurt, it would be expecting a conversation with my husband that I'd have with someone at Michael's or Target, if they saw my H@H bag. Is it really such a unrealistic expectation to hope that my husband would have a conversation with me? It just doesn't seem to me that it is; and why does my son come to see if I'm ok while my husband keeps watching the movie.
Is that really what God wants from me? To lower my expectations of intimacy with my husband to that level? Because it isn't that I don't pour it out to God, but really, is it too much to ask that I matter to my husband? Is it? And how do I deal with this and not feel hurt? Feel ignored? Feel so damn unloved, invisible, irrelevant.
So I sit here blogging and crying, and Paul snores on. What is wrong with me

Wednesday, March 12, 2008


there's a new king in town. A little guy who has hijacked my blog. So the stories (and there are several) will wait for another day. His adoring public has spoken...
I love this picture. Every time I look at it, I laugh. And I look at it alot. My Prison Break wallpaper has been booted for the cutie patootie.

And this one was originally a reject, but I love how they are looking at each other so intently. We are pathetic. Seriously. This little guy is the center of the house when he enters....

Even though Joseph's eyes are closed in this, or so squinchee, they look closed, I just love this. He's finally holding him like he's not afraid and was talking to him and acting a previously inferred in the last set of comments.

This one is frame worthy. Darn it. The perfect frame for it was one I didn't get today. I'm going back tomorrow. I hope it's there!!
Seriously...he is edible!!

Look at him checking out mommy!! Cassie looks better every time I see her; I little less exhausted each time. Darn little guy needs to start sleeping at night...

We matched on this particular day, but for some unknown reason, there are NO pix of me and my little guy.

Good thing I'm seeing him tomorrow!!

Saturday, March 8, 2008

Praying through our brokenness

We are all the same, broken. And though some of us might look better or act better on the outside, we are each of us capable -- in the blink of an eye, the beat of a heart -- of falling.

I thought that was a great thought...and so true. Some of us can dress up our brokenness or sin better than others. We can talk the talk and pretend to walk the walk; or walk it awhile and quit. It's hard, REALLY HARD, to walk through seasons of brokenness in our lives and rely on God to fix them, to soothe us, to trust that the creator of the universe can create something beautiful out of brokenness.

A friend of mine has a set of tealight holders that say "P R A Y". And one of them broke. She was talking, with some sadness in her voice, about how she'd light those candles during her quiet time and it would remind her to pray, bu tthat now she's have to throw them out. The R was broken. That left PAY or YAP. Neither was appealing to her. I looked at her and said, or you can pray through your brokenness. I take no credit for that thought. It was planted in my head, as much for me as for my friend. And so, I pray through my brokenness, and celebrate healing and new life...

with my little man...who was full or spit and vinegar Thursday when I went to hang with Cassie and him. He is smiling now, but clearly not on demand. He's all stretched out and flailing his arms about, with no real purpose than to make them move. He's looking around, in awe of everything and pretty content till about 1:00 in the morning, Cassie says. He loves his mama and falls asleep in his GG's arms every single visit. And I'm thankful...for the prayers through the brokenness of Cassie's rebelllion...for the healing God has done in our relationship...for how much she is growing and learning and loving being a mom...for grace...and forgiveness...and zippered hearts. It's a treasure each and every time I spend time with Cass, talking about music and food, parenting and prayer, silly things men do. But mostly just jumping in the deep end of life with my little girl grown up ...seeing her smile and laugh and have it reach her eyes and knowing that it's real. Her honesty and take on life is refreshing...and so...I know that praying through our brokenness not only heals our hearts, but also heals hurt relationships...brings strength where there was a hole...brings peace and joy and new life...literally and figuratively.

Thursday, March 6, 2008

So don'tcha love it when...

you decide one thing, and pray for confirmation and God gives you a whole different set of marching orders?
That's what happened here...
I had a plan; I had total peace; and I continued to pray...for a check in my spirit that would be undeniable if this wasn't what God willed for me.
I spoke to my pastor, who shared some very candid words, as well as some thoughts on how to move into a separation with a hope of reconciliation at the end. He's a wise man. And kind. And honest. I hung up in tears, but still felt peace. Continued to pray. And then.
I was so convicted of how I've been treating Paul. How mean and cold and angry and unforgiving I've been. It doesn't matter what he's doing or not doing. I do not want to be the kind of woman who emanates anger and disappointment and dislike for and toward her husband. That is not
what God is creating in me. That is not what God is asking of me. And that is NOT what or who I am willing to do/be once I saw it. I know things are not going to be easy. I know it's going to be a challenge and there will be lots of tears as I allow the HS to continue to work in my heart. It may not even be "fair", but I know what I know about God and I know what I know about my part in this mess of a marriage. So I went to paul and told him all of that and asked for his forgiveness.
And then to top it off, it was the last night of our small group prayer meeting. And Paul asked for prayer that he'd be filled with the holy spirit. Praying for him overwhelmed my heart with sorrow that I haven't been praying for him like that (selflessly vs. a to do list for God)--or at all most days. It tendered my heart toward him in a way that I can't even remember how long it's been.
Here I went with what I thought was God's plan to kick Paul out...and even told him that he had to be out by Friday...and then the check of all checks in my spirit. I don't know where this is all going to end up. I know that there will be times I struggle and fail to be the person I'm convicted to be, but I'm giving it my all, and I'm not quitting and I'm not letting my growth and joy and peace be contingent on Paul meeting me with the same effort.
I was totally ready and willing to finish the process and discuss the boundaries and plans for separation...I know where this would have ended up without those prayers for confirmation
of God's will and a check in my spirit I couldn't' avoid if it wasn't. I am so humbled and grateful for a God that is willing to crack me upside the head, convict me with kindness, and give me the strength to work it all out in real life.
It's been a week since this happened. I talked with Paul about where we go from here; he said he'd come up with a plan. If he did, he didn't share it with me. I texted him, "I don't see a plan here" and the next night, he wrote up a plan. Which has never been discussed or implemented.
I'm sad, but I'm sticking to my end of it. I pray for him every night. Serious prayer. I respond when he's willing to talk, and settle for the teflon version of marriage that has become so familiar to me, going to God with my sad heart and disappointment; going to friends for connection and laughs.
I don't know how this is going to work out. I really don't. But I do know that I am being called to keep my heart soft; to keep kindness in the forefront; and to pray for Paul regardless of what I feel or see. That, honestly, is hard. I want to feel sorry for myself right now, to cry and to pull away and become unavailable. Today is a day I need to delve in to the Word, bring my needs and sadness to God. Trust him to make it all right, not trust Paul to.
So I'm off to Cassie's for the day. I'm sure I'll have pix to 50 of them or so!! LOL