Saturday, December 8, 2007

It all started out so well...

Paul got diagnosed, tentatively, with ADD. There's a specialist in Naperville who may help. His counselor gives him the name and number and tells Paul that this maybe a huge part of him not following through and not keeping his promises to me. Paul tells me that he's going to wait until January to check it out so it can be on next year's deductible. No conversation. Just informing me of his unilateral decision. Soooooo...this could be what's holding him back and we can jsut put it on hold for a month?? Sooooo....he just makes that decision on his own. Really, what does he need a wife for?

Then the game...Rex was throwing well, the receivers who were SUPPOSED to catch it, did. You know, like a football game is supposed to look. And then the fatal error. I turned to Joseph and said: I'm starting to not get a sick feeling in my stomach when Rex touches the ball. Literally those words left my mouth and Rex got NAILED. He's out for the season. He may have played his last game as a Bear. And the injury fest continued. I lost count how many guys were injured in that game, but it was ALOT. And we lost. Thus effectively ending the season for the Bears. Sigh.

Paul went over to Cassie's...brought over Hairspray for them to watch together. She told me they didn't have all the extra stuff during the credits like I saw when I went to it in the theatre. Kinda weird I thought. But they do have at least 2 versions of Hairspray on DVD, so I guess they got the not extras one.

Friday morning, Kimberlee came over to drop off her final secret sister thing. I had gone back and forth this whole semester with she was/she wasn't. Well, SHE WAS!! LOL I was so sorry she didn't come to SS, but what are you gonna do when the kids have ickies????
Soul Sisters was great. I love those guys!! Right now, it's one of the things that is keeping me going...I am really fighting the inclination to hide. To not answer the phone. To not go anywhere.

It's been a really tough week. I talked to Paul about the gifts I had already gotten him before the game came up, knowing how he is about money, and wanting to be up front about it. He told me to return them. I tried to explain how it felt, for the first time in 3 years to WANT to get him something, to be EXCITED about what I got him, and then be asked to return them. He shut down. Five minutes later, after waiting for a response, I leave. End of conversation.
Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, same thing. Then a note saying "sorry we haven't gotten to talk about your stuff". I wrote him a note back. Things are so crappy. Why can't they ever STAY improved? It's not that we haven't GOTTEN to talk. It's that I bring it up, and really, not in an angry way. I'm sad, disappointed, feeling like something got taken from me that I worked really hard to get back. Cried about it...with him just looking at me.

Find out from Cassie how his counseling went.

Friday night, I stop and tell him I'm home, and he says "well, goodnight then". No conversation. I go to bed hurt and angry and sad. I'm sick of this. Sick of him ignoring my feelings, shutting down in conversations he doesn't like, sick of him controlling things by doing stuff like that. Sick of trying to be positive, open, vulnerable, all to be ignored and shut out again. This is definitely the WORSE of for better or worse. Three years and the only things that has remained changed is that he's not doing his addiction crap and I'm better at expressing my anger without being violent.

But by Saturday morning, I was angry. How many times do I have to bring it up for him to listen? Two hours after he gets home, after ignoring me (yeah, like the 5 year old way...cold shoulder, not responding, etc), he sits down at the kitchen table and asks if I want to talk. are you KIDDING ME???? SERIOUSLY??? NOW YOU WANT TO TALK SO I'M JUST SUPPOSED TO BE THE GOOD LITTLE WIFE????

So maybe by the end of the conversation he heard how I felt, how it was to bring up what was important to him and not even be asked (he said it never crossed his mind to ask me what i thought...what am I in his life???) what I thought. How it felt to return the gifts that I FINALLY wanted to, not felt like I had to, get.

And then he tells me that he figured that I was just ignoring the budget and doing what I wanted anyway. I screamed at him that it was all bought in November, when I was shopping for his birthday and that it was in the budget and paid for already.He I didn't mean that was what I thought. I reply. Yes it is Paul. You may regret thinking that now, you may know you are wrong now, but that IS what you thought and why you have been treating me how you have all week. You were mad because you decided that you knew the entire story and didn't need to ask me for the facts. So you may not think that now but you SURE DID think it all week. I left for errands. I was too angry to discuss this anymore. So when I get back,he backpedals some more, apologizes, and Joseph comes in from work. End of discussion.

And Sunday at church, total melt down. I'm tired. I'm sick of being married to a guy who doesn't trust me or think the best of me or even want to ask me what I think. He gets these amazing breakthroughs and then reverts. I think it would be easier w/o the breakthroughs. Then I wouldn't think he was even capable of being an adult or healthy. They invite us up for prayer, those who need to have more trust (that would be trust Paul,not God). Or just can't do the waiting for Christmas (for God to show up) any more. I start bawling...and am trying to explain it to Angela, how I'm sick of saying the same thing over and over again...having the same story for 3 years without much sustained progress. Her response stopped me in my tracks. She said "we all have the same stories...feel like we're saying it over and over again". I feel so pathetic being stuck here, but there is growth. I can't speak for Paul, but I know I handle my emotions more maturely than I used to, control them better, speak them more and scream them less. That I'm more tolerant than I used to be and am learning to forgive better. And, at the same time, I'm increasingly more alone with him and seeing where I fall on the priority list for him.

Small group last night...with a migraine and sick to my stomach. But it was good. Went to bed early and woke up to dirty dishes. This week has GOT to be better, right?????

1 comment:

Coffee_Cassie said...

I just had a semi-genius thought: could it be that Dad's afraid to get healthy? I mean, he's never known what it's like to be in a healthy relationship with anyone, and we all know he doesn't like change very much. I think he's afraid to get healthy because he's never BEEN healthy, so he doesn't know what's going to happen when he GETS healthy.