Words can sting like anything but silence can break a heart.
So true.
But does the heart heal after the silence is over?

The 12 days of Christmas...

A question someone asked me:
Your true love just presented you with all the items of the Twelve Days of Christmas. That’s right, you’ve got a partridge in a pear tree, 2 turtle doves, 3 french hens, 4 calling birds, 5 gold rings, 6 geese-a-laying, 7 swans-a-swimming, 8 maids-a-milking, 9 ladies dancing, 10 lords-a-leaping, 11 swans-a-swimming, and 12 drummers drumming. Here’s the thing, your true love gave you all of those things last year……. If you could exchange them for something else, what would it be?

a partridge in a pear tree, I'd take a maid. Just to come in and dust and do laundry. Ok, and vacuum. Just once a week would be fine

2 turtle doves, a Cricut machine and the extension pack
3 french hens, three new fonts for said Cricut machine
4 calling birds, four girlfriends, one trip, tons of fun and laughter. Let's see. A week on the beach
5 gold rings, a wedding ring that I loved
6 geese-a-laying, 6 months of a personal trainer
7 swans-a-swimming, a bird bath for the back yard
8 maids-a-milking, peppermint mocha creamer for the year. Never running out
9 ladies dancing, salsa dancing lessons. Alone.
10 lords-a-leaping, a trip to a Beth Moore confernce with back stage tickets
11 pipers piping, an ipod preloaded w/all my favorite songs
12 drummers drumming, a trip a month for the entire year. Wherever I want to go

Two days...in two days Meliss will be disembarking to freeze her patootie off here in Chicago for almost a week!!

Michelle has landed!!

Michelle came in on Saturday, and it was as if the weather man heard her land. Before we hit Bolingbrook, the snow began and she had a snowball fight before she got unpacked!! Then it was on to "hot now" a/k/a Krispy Kremes for what turned out to be not so great donuts. But the free samples were fabulous. Mental note: yes, the custard ones DO need to be refrigerated. Joseph found out by waiting a few days and eating (or beginning to) one that had been sitting out. Patooie best describes the sound emanating from the kitchen.
Then to Theresa's where we chatted for a while and sorta planned Christmas, but not totally. She wants me to change the plan so that she has less running around to do. Not sure what we're going to do. Whatever we DO decide, it will be additional running for us since as of today Cassie is no longer driving. She's got spotty vision, I guess, as I understand it from the texts. It's frustrating to communicate only by texts, while I hear that two full days are spent at Denise and Ron's. Sigh. I guess it's better than nothing, but I'm feeling the shove of being pushed aside again.
With Michelle here, things are in a holding pattern. Paul is still trying to get me to tell him how to make this all up to me. How exactly does one make up being shunned for 5 days? Not sure on that one. I don't trust him. I don't want to even try. I've seen this too many times for too many years to believe THIS is the big "I get it". Even so, it's nice to have a breather.
And...da da da daaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!! Kimberlee's birthday and I was even in town. Two years in a row. That's some kinda record.
Tomorrow is a sleep in day with nothing on the agenda. YIPPEE!!!!

battlefield

Paul describes our marriage as a battle field with bombs dropping...which is funny because my mental image is a minefield. I never know what I"m going to do to set off his judgment and cold distance and all that fall out.

I told him to find a place to stay, that it was clear to me that he'd be gone by Christmas. He didn't. I told him that it didn't matter to me if he had somewhere to go, that this last round of things that culminated in him telling me to prove that I was truthful in what we owed and were paying pushed me over the edge. I don't even know why I'm letting him stay at all. I wonder how he felt when he saw the numbers and I was actually overstating our debt. I wonder how he felt when he saw me walk away crying. From what I can see, he didn't get it. He says he did, but his big "I"m so sorry and I DO get what I've done" move was to text me yesterday. That's it. A text "I am glad you can express your feelings". Well that will certainly make things monumentally better.

These questions came through on a devotional I get, and I thought they were good.

What areas of your life are on hold because you are waiting for "it" to happen?
A lot of them. I have no energy to deal with much beyond my crappy marriage. I'm depressed and not working to even though I know I need to, don't care about Christmas coming, the IT is for my marriage to improve for more than a week.

What dreams have you discarded for fear that they will never be realized?
That one. That my marriage will improve, or even survive. That he will understand and act on that understanding, what the last three years have been like for me. That he will GET the damage he's done and WANT to fix things, not feel entitled for me to love him.

Do you see God as the only source of joy in your life?
Yes, but He's more the sustaining rock than a source of joy right now.

Identify and eliminate the "joy-stealers" at work in your life.
Expecting Paul to grow up. Thinking that he gets it. Waiting for or even thinking things will change for the better. Staying up too late. Complaining spirit. Criticising him.

What steps do you need to take in order to become a woman of joy?
Stop complaining, criticizing and get to bed at a decent hour.

It all started out so well...

Paul got diagnosed, tentatively, with ADD. There's a specialist in Naperville who may help. His counselor gives him the name and number and tells Paul that this maybe a huge part of him not following through and not keeping his promises to me. Paul tells me that he's going to wait until January to check it out so it can be on next year's deductible. No conversation. Just informing me of his unilateral decision. Soooooo...this could be what's holding him back and we can jsut put it on hold for a month?? Sooooo....he just makes that decision on his own. Really, what does he need a wife for?

Then the game...Rex was throwing well, the receivers who were SUPPOSED to catch it, did. You know, like a football game is supposed to look. And then the fatal error. I turned to Joseph and said: I'm starting to not get a sick feeling in my stomach when Rex touches the ball. Literally those words left my mouth and Rex got NAILED. He's out for the season. He may have played his last game as a Bear. And the injury fest continued. I lost count how many guys were injured in that game, but it was ALOT. And we lost. Thus effectively ending the season for the Bears. Sigh.

Paul went over to Cassie's...brought over Hairspray for them to watch together. She told me they didn't have all the extra stuff during the credits like I saw when I went to it in the theatre. Kinda weird I thought. But they do have at least 2 versions of Hairspray on DVD, so I guess they got the not extras one.

Friday morning, Kimberlee came over to drop off her final secret sister thing. I had gone back and forth this whole semester with she was/she wasn't. Well, SHE WAS!! LOL I was so sorry she didn't come to SS, but what are you gonna do when the kids have ickies????
Soul Sisters was great. I love those guys!! Right now, it's one of the things that is keeping me going...I am really fighting the inclination to hide. To not answer the phone. To not go anywhere.

It's been a really tough week. I talked to Paul about the gifts I had already gotten him before the game came up, knowing how he is about money, and wanting to be up front about it. He told me to return them. I tried to explain how it felt, for the first time in 3 years to WANT to get him something, to be EXCITED about what I got him, and then be asked to return them. He shut down. Five minutes later, after waiting for a response, I leave. End of conversation.
Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, same thing. Then a note saying "sorry we haven't gotten to talk about your stuff". I wrote him a note back. Things are so crappy. Why can't they ever STAY improved? It's not that we haven't GOTTEN to talk. It's that I bring it up, and really, not in an angry way. I'm sad, disappointed, feeling like something got taken from me that I worked really hard to get back. Cried about it...with him just looking at me.

Find out from Cassie how his counseling went.

Friday night, I stop and tell him I'm home, and he says "well, goodnight then". No conversation. I go to bed hurt and angry and sad. I'm sick of this. Sick of him ignoring my feelings, shutting down in conversations he doesn't like, sick of him controlling things by doing stuff like that. Sick of trying to be positive, open, vulnerable, all to be ignored and shut out again. This is definitely the WORSE of for better or worse. Three years and the only things that has remained changed is that he's not doing his addiction crap and I'm better at expressing my anger without being violent.

But by Saturday morning, I was angry. How many times do I have to bring it up for him to listen? Two hours after he gets home, after ignoring me (yeah, like the 5 year old way...cold shoulder, not responding, etc), he sits down at the kitchen table and asks if I want to talk. are you KIDDING ME???? SERIOUSLY??? NOW YOU WANT TO TALK SO I'M JUST SUPPOSED TO BE THE GOOD LITTLE WIFE????

So maybe by the end of the conversation he heard how I felt, how it was to bring up what was important to him and not even be asked (he said it never crossed his mind to ask me what i thought...what am I in his life???) what I thought. How it felt to return the gifts that I FINALLY wanted to, not felt like I had to, get.

And then he tells me that he figured that I was just ignoring the budget and doing what I wanted anyway. I screamed at him that it was all bought in November, when I was shopping for his birthday and that it was in the budget and paid for already.He backpedals...no I didn't mean that was what I thought. I reply. Yes it is Paul. You may regret thinking that now, you may know you are wrong now, but that IS what you thought and why you have been treating me how you have all week. You were mad because you decided that you knew the entire story and didn't need to ask me for the facts. So you may not think that now but you SURE DID think it all week. I left for errands. I was too angry to discuss this anymore. So when I get back,he backpedals some more, apologizes, and Joseph comes in from work. End of discussion.

And Sunday at church, total melt down. I'm tired. I'm sick of being married to a guy who doesn't trust me or think the best of me or even want to ask me what I think. He gets these amazing breakthroughs and then reverts. I think it would be easier w/o the breakthroughs. Then I wouldn't think he was even capable of being an adult or healthy. They invite us up for prayer, those who need to have more trust (that would be trust Paul,not God). Or just can't do the waiting for Christmas (for God to show up) any more. I start bawling...and am trying to explain it to Angela, how I'm sick of saying the same thing over and over again...having the same story for 3 years without much sustained progress. Her response stopped me in my tracks. She said "we all have the same stories...feel like we're saying it over and over again". I feel so pathetic being stuck here, but there is growth. I can't speak for Paul, but I know I handle my emotions more maturely than I used to, control them better, speak them more and scream them less. That I'm more tolerant than I used to be and am learning to forgive better. And, at the same time, I'm increasingly more alone with him and seeing where I fall on the priority list for him.

Small group last night...with a migraine and sick to my stomach. But it was good. Went to bed early and woke up to dirty dishes. This week has GOT to be better, right?????

Look what it's doing here...

Oh sure it's pretty. But it's not so much fun while sliding through intersections!!

So winter is officially here...I don't care if Dec 22 is the actual date. I count winter in two ways:

one) When it snows and

two) when we have dates for the girls to come here.

We have now met both requirements. So winter is here!!

Part 2

And on to the rest of my two week sabbatical...

Here's Cassie at 6 months. I FINALLY felt the baby move this Saturday. It was very exciting and made me smile ear to ear!! He kinda rolled over under my left hand. WOOHOO!! Long time waiting for the little Mr. to show himself to me!! Cassie said I was the first one to feel him move besides Chris, to which I say "As it should be!!"


We went to this tea room in Oswego or Yorkville or somewhere out there. It was nice...a cute little farm converted to a cash cow, with great pottery and decor things in another building.


The tea was fabulous, but I know I've had it somewhere else. Ambrosia tea in a nice pyramid bag. Conversation was nice and we laughed alot. Seemed like there were 2 different conversations, one with me and Cindi and Sherrie, and one with Catharina and Vicky. Lynda couldn't make it, which I expected but was still disappointed about. Sigh. Wish there was something I could do to help her sometimes...but this was a sinus headache thing, so there's no helping that unless you're an MD.




Cassie came over and made the CUTEST cards. I totally had card envy. She's got some natural talent there, and she works slow enough to produce nice cards...It was great spending time with her and just hanging. I always am glad to be with her...we talk and laugh and just enjoy being together with no agenda (or in this case, a card agenda)

Had some ladies over to make cards...that was fun. We are all on the Joliet flylady group, and talking about making cards, so I told them to just come over here and bring an idea. Well, they DID!! And cookies and supplies. We ended up making 15 Christmas cards...in the middle of a major ice storm. They are better women than me...I would NOT have come.


And. sigh. the bears. sigh. They lost a heartbreaker. I don't care. I still love them. They aren't alone in the heartbreak this week. The Redskins wanted to win for their teammate who had been killed. They lost on a stupidly called double time out from their coach. Amateur mistake the announcers say. Heartbreaking I say. They looked like they were all gonna cry on the sidelines. And then the Ravens last night. Oh the pain. Literally, I quit breathing. To come within TWO YARDS of winning. Killer. And that was the poor sport on the Ravens that cost them that game. 35 yard penalty for unsportsmanlike conduct in the last minute of the game. They could have done it!!
Debbie came in from VA to go to her nephew's wedding and we were able to spend the evening catching up. I always love talking with her. She's just one of those people who GET me and what I'm saying. And the history...well...it's a long one. She informs me, 22 years later, that Paul's sister Nancy was NASTY before our wedding to her...telling her that she should not be in the wedding and that it was wrong and inappropriate since she had dated Paul. The small ingored by Nancy detail was that I was the one that asked her to stand up...we had become closer friends while going to JJC together. MAN I wish I would have known about it then...because she also tried to orchestrate Paul's dad getting pushed out of best man position and having this PIG Phil be Paul's best man as a "surprise". When she announced THAT little gem, I told Paul if Phil was one of our witnesses, I would NOT be marrying him. I really HATED that guy. Uh. Who's wedding was it? Who gets to ask who they want to stand up for them??? Even back then, the machine was working. Grrr....
Planning to spend a week in VA this summer...Debbie and Mark always seem to get the short stick when it comes to time, but this time I'm going without Paul so I don't need to be back in any specific time. I can't wait!! I love VA Beach!!


And now the countdown begins...Meesh comes in on the 15th andMeliss on the 21st!! WOO!! HOO!!! And as Meliss said, clear your calendar and let your girlfriends know you won't be available till the 27th. LOL

I seriously need an alarm

on my phone that reminds me to blog. I've sat down to do this I don't know how many times and got distracted...so I'll spend the next few days catching up...
Our thanksgiving self portrait. We had a choice of Cassie looking exhausted, me with a double chin, or this one.
Chris had to work, but we sent a big plate home for him...







Lindsay made Thanksgiving dinner (yeah, I"m that far behind!!) This was for two reasons, imho. One-she invited us and we accepted, under the guise of "AG, I"m making dinner" then Theresa told me it was she was making the potatoes.I told Theresa that I accepted b/c LIndz said she was making DINNER and that she should. Well, I sent her a planner to make it easier, and it did help (if only Theresa had all my pampered chef tools like a chopper), but Lindsay did the work. And two-Lindsay told Theresa she was a crappy cook. I told Theresa it was time for her to let Lindsay find out what it was like to make food day after boring day...I don't know if that will happen, but Lindz did do thanksgiving.


Dinner was great...which honestly I wondered about when Lindsay called at 1245 and said the turkey was done (we were supposed to eat at 4) and asking what she should do, since the potatoes weren't even begun!! LOL
She also learned that I knew what i was talking about when I said if you put the turkey in the roaster it will not brown. But it was super moist and everything was hot when we sat down...which was better than the turkey dinner I made Sunday afternoon. My potatoes were steaming when we mashed them and when we sat down 3 minutes later, they were literally cold!! Thank God for microwaves and hot gravy!! LOL
We were, as usual, treated like non-entities by Don's girls. I'd like to think they treat everyone this way, but it gets really old every single holiday to be talked to only when they need something and then expect us to clean up after their princess behinds.
I guess it's worse when it's at my own house, but still...I really would like to be with people who WANT to be with me, rather than be a box they check off and say "whew" when they leave...





Joseph got up at 645 (usually this is much closer to his bed time than his awake time) to get a guitar hero 2 for dirt cheap...and then brought it to thanksgiving. We had a GH2 tournament. I didn't lose, but I"m pretty sure I won't be hired for a band any time soon. At first, I needed someone to strum while I got the notes, but by the end of the round, I could do both. I think I'll keep my day job all the same. Note Patrick strumming for me...this was obviously early in the tournament!!
And the picture with Paul and Lindsay...yeah. Joseph is shouting what color to hit on the keys. We DEFINITELY needed that kind of help...but I'm pretty sure we all got better...


More to follow...