Wednesday, April 18, 2007

We were blessed last night

with the opportunity to be with friends. Nothing big...popcorn and Idol, making fun of Sanjaya (does he THINK he's willie nelson with that hair do??) and playing cards. I love those guys...glad they are in our life.
I haven't laughed that long in a while...but then even as I write that,I realize I laugh alot. I hope they were as blessed as we were, a time set apart to just be. To not theorize or philosophize or solve the world's, nation's or church's problems. Great few hours...and then a phone rang and broke the spell, beckoning us back to the real world...
and I went to bed last night and had bad dreams...nightmares that others are really living. Oh my heart just aches for the parents who will have to bury their beloved children, or are still waiting to hear. Can YOU imagine? Still waiting...the agony of that.
I was telling Paul on Sunday how I still miss Cassie so much, that it's palpable. Not the curled up in a ball on the couch sobbing way, but I miss her face at the table daily. I miss her smile, her smirk,the tone her voice has. I miss the music she brought to our house. Miss how we'd be talking about this Va Tech thing and giving her one more hug. But I'll see her later this week, or over the weekend. I didn't hug her goodbye and never see her alive again...that was one of my dreams...being on the other side of glass and watching her die. Running all over looking for Meliss in a devastated wasteland and not able to find her. Theresa being stabbed with the scythe and bleeding and I can't stop it. Like that. Haunting, horrible, dreams that I can still see when I close my eyes.
My friend says to sit with my dreams...they are trying to tell me something about what's going on in my subconscious. Well, I don't think I need to sit long...there is a part of me that is fearful, terrified and anxious that I will lose someone I love to violence. But I will not surrender to that fear. I will not let it dominate my day or my plans or my happiness for people's adventures. I will sit with it, and then tell it who is boss...and it's not my scared self. It's my trusting self...trusting that God has a plan we cant' see...trusting that the great Physician will heal these wounds of the VA area...because he loves each and every one of them...and knows them...and created them...will give them grace and strength and mercy...
Joseph came in last night and told me that some kid was comparing a xbox game result with the Va Tech massacre. And then went on to tell me how that kid got "schooled" by the others playing about how not cool it was to joke about that and how that kid should have more respect. So to those who think that every child who ever played xbox shooting games is lining up to be the next psycho, I offer this. Some kids just play games like we played what we played (in my case, torture the little brother till he cries and then deny I did it), just a technological version of their game. It's not a game alone that makes a broken soul pick up a gun and start shooting. And as far as I know, the kid who did Va Tech wasn't even into games. Broken people do crazy things. Not every kid who plays video games is broken. Some of them are funny ,sensitive, kind and in Joseph's case, a strong Christian kid. So let's not rush to "it's the violence in movies or games" or "it's the gun laws". NONE of those reasons are what made that kid pick up guns. His soul and psyche and mind did. What if we spent the time we spent analyzing the situations helping those kids who need a good adult influence? What if we skipped "what is the problem" and went straight to "how can I be part of the solution in MY sphere of influence??" That's my plan. Not sure how yet, but for today, I can listen to my son and daughter and nieces. Today I can point out to them what I love and admire in them. Today I can talk to them about MY faith and how it affects my life. Today I can give them a hug and a heart that that's what I"m off to do.

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