Monday, March 19, 2007

The sun is breaking through

Life sure requires a lot of trust....a lot....just to get through the day...don't you think?
I think things can sneak up on you and put you into funks that you think you'll never be able to get out of....I KNOW that those funks can make you think that the best parts of your life are over....when, really, they are necessary.....and, not really funks at's all so much like the winter-time DORMANCY of a tree.

I read this online today, and thought back to my tulips poking up through the dirt, having been all but invisible for 9 months now, right? I want to be like my tulips, poking up toward the sun (or really, the SON). I want to bask in the sun and add beauty to the world around me. But I'm just in a funk right now. Today might not be the day to reflect on life, to be philosophical, just a day to muddle through.

Two years ago today, on the way home from Hearts at Home, the Holy Spirit outed Paul to me. Big tattle tale....secret teller...Holy Spirit doesn't keep secrets well. So funny, when this happened, I never even questioned whether it was true or not. I just knew. That's the HS for ya...tells you the awful truth and then does it in such a way you don't even question. So today, for Paul, is a woowoo day. He's two years into "sobriety" and healing. And I'm still trying to trust him... and then, wishing he could say something (acknowledge the day is hard would be a start instead of pretending it's just another day)...but no. It's all about him...and then I get all encouraging and wise (not my wisdom...he walked in while I was praying and got all the good benefits!!). So it's a good day for him. I'm gonna leave it at that.

Just thinking about the people who have carried us this year:

Rick...OMG...where would Paul be without his love and unconditional support? It makes me cry with gratitude that he is the man that he is...amazing...honest...kickbutt...real.

Rich...what a good friend he was when this all started...a lifeline at a time when Paul was drowning

Scott...always calling, encouraging, checking, frequently kicking butt to quit being so self centered...knowing what Paul was going through and knew when to say cut the crap. a stand up guy who has really grown too...and they are figuring out how to be friends by being friends with each other. It's great to see.

For me...

Dori...from that first minute at church when she knew something was "terribly, terribly wrong", she was a support thoruhg the darkest hours...and spoke the painful truth when I needed to hear it.

Judy...literally walking with me from moment 1. She was there when I figured it out, there every single step along the way, there when I wanted to leave Paul, there when I need to laugh and have a cosmo.

Dana...from that first time she thought I had to go to the doctor for test because of Paul, and not literally for my heart!! Caring, concerned, faithful and challenging...and a great friend to laugh with.

Lynda and Kimberlee...honestly, great women who listen and then gently blast the crap out of my eyes and we laugh and talk and seriously...jsut great, great friends. I am blessed. of the best things that has happened in the last two years was our relationship getting closer...because I dared to tell her the truth of how we related then and she dared to listen.

Melissa...Cassie...Joseph...Meesh...just plain ole' love and fun and hanging out...dang we have laughed alot!!

I'd rather remember the blessings than the pain...even though it simmers to the top again and again...I get to choose how to handle it, not let it handle me. So a tear or two, then move on.

I don't need to remember and memorialize the train wrecks in my life. I'm planting a memorial stone right here, right now. Saying that God has carried us this far as a couple, and that I have learned so much in the last two years, that even the unbelievable disappointment in man doesn't undo the amazing UNdisappointable God. I mark this day as the day for me to climb out of my quit thinking it's going to go away without me working at it. I don't want to be sad every year at this time...Spring has always made me smile. I"m not going to let Satan steal that from me. I'm trusting God on this one...that it won't always ache the way it does (and it's so much better than the first year!!), that we WILL be a couple again, not side by side co-existers, and that I will have a healed, if not unscarred heart. I just wish it didn't take so long, or so much work, or so freakin much mental discipline. Sigh. Off the pity pot now!!

My five things:

working out n my treadmill and counting the days till it's outside!! (I was one with Kelly!!)

the sun is shining in my window and warming my hands as I type this

I can read the Bible...I don't need to hide it...Thank you Jesus!! And Prov 15...oohhh kick butt

Getting my room clean and dusted and Theresa's stuff set aside

losing 10 inches of flubber since the beginning of the year!! WOOHOOO!!!!


Coffee_Cassie said...

Quick computer question... all the text on our comp is microscopic. any idea how to fix it?

gersfavsis said...

reading this blog brings back so many walks we've taken together since the weekend i was so self centered and wanted your time instead of Judy getting it! Today i thank God we had the life changing talk and the changes it has brought to my (our) lives!

big HIGS!!

love you so much!!