Wednesday, December 16, 2009

Full circle night

We decorated the tree last night. Turned on the Christmas music (ok, had to load up the CD player first…just doesn't seem like Christmas here!!), made some tea and pulled out the ornaments. Strategized about how to do with Ronnie this year. Or more accurately, WHERE to put the breakables. What not to put out (Paper mache Santa, the breakable nativity and Santa ball didn't make the cut). We chatted and hung and purged a little bit (have some heavy heavy red ball from Aunt Nancy?? And the blue/green star that I never liked) for the first time in my memory, we decorated alone.

It was fine until we got to the ornaments that I bought Paul right before his addiction came out. A bag of love words. Some things are better left in the bag. I didn't put them out, so they were left till last, sitting near the rejected ornaments. And that would have been fine. But Paul puts them up, can't remember where we got them (no surprise there…couldn't' remember half the ornaments!!), and notices that I'm upset. Ask what's wrong and I say "Some things just make me sad." End of conversation.

Further into his shut down cave he goes, admitting later that he didn't want to ask because the answer may have been about him (or the girls not coming in, or doing the tree alone again) Any and all of those things have shut him down completely this week. What are we going to do on Christmas morning shut him down. Insurance conversation shut him down. See a trend??? Sigh.

I leave; go into my office for a cry. He follows, says he's going to start doing his recovery stuff NOW because he doesn't want to make me cry. I pretend to believe him for the 1,000th time. I hope he does…not just for me; not just for our kids; but for himself. The mantra of the last almost 5 years…I've figured out how to live with a guy more comfortable with strangers than his family; I've figured out how to deal with the loneliness of being married to a man who doesn't show up; figured out how to have a roommate instead of a lover and be ok. But there are days I'm just not happy about it. And last night was one of those days. Sigh.

On the other hand, I have a plan for the rest of Christmas. I got to catch up with Meesh…such a fun conversation. Even got to talk to Melissa for the second time n a week. Chatted with Cassie on FB and got my pictures uploaded. Finished the Christmas card (love it!!) and Joseph is printing it off tonight at work. Bean soup was ok…all in all, the day was good. Just one little (ok, kinda big) bruised heart. And the tree looks great!! I can wrap now that my ambiance has been set!! J

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