Tuesday, January 26, 2010

So I heard this song

 at church on Sunday...and in compilation with the women's conference, the sermon of Sunday, this song really hit me between the eyes. Made me reflect on what kind of friend I am.  Friend to the people in my life, my family, my husband. Because before love comes friendship. And I wonder.  Wonder if I see myself for who I really am. Wonder if I've hurt people and am completely unaware.  It's been echoing in my soul

What kind of a friend could pull a knife
When it's him or you and his kids need shoes?

What kind of friend would do you in
When the bomb goes off and the shelter's his?
What kind of friends do friends become
When the musical chairs get down to one?
What kind of friend could I become?
What kind of friend am I?

What kind of friend would tell you lies
To spare you from the bitter truth?
What kind of friend could stoop so low
As to shield your eyes from the mirror's gaze?
What kind of friends do friends become
When a blind eye turns on the damage done?
What kind of friend could I become?
What kind of friend am I?

What kind of friend survives the night
In a frightened sense of self-defence?
What kind of friend can take the ache
Of losing face for friendship's sake?
What kind of friend do friends become
When the heart says "kill" and the soul says "love"?
What kind of friend could I become?
What kind of friend am I?

The women's conference was on choices available to us, dozens of times a day, and most of which we don't see. The two that jumped out at me HUGE was the choice to show mercy and the choice to forgive. Not just the big things...the little things.  The socks on the floor, the late home to dinner. I find it much harder to not let that get under my skin than the big ones. The big ones devastate. Destroy. Bring me to my knees. Which is where I need to be anyway. But I am profoundly aware that I need God's help to forgive the big things. They are too big for me. Too much. Too painful. But the little ones? Oh those, I can forgive on my own, right? I can overlook. Except all too often I don't. And if I'm on my knees, I SEE my need to rely on God for the grace to forgive. If not, I'm looking down, judging, evaluating, blaming. What I'm not is gracious, allowing others to be human. Choosing to let God judge and me not.
When the speaker told her story of her marriage, and talked about the baggage her husband brought to their marriage and how she was so self-righteous about her relatively small amount of baggage, it really struck a chord with me. She went on to say that he couldn't defend himself against her judgment AND work on his baggage, and that only in the letting go of him and looking at her own stuff, was he able to have the energy to work on his stuff. Both are a full time job...being in a defense position and working through pain that goes back decades. Which do I choose to be? The one sitting in judgment or the one allowing grace? I choose grace today. I hope I choose it tomorrow.
And then on to church on Sunday...do you love or do you hate? There is no middle ground. You can not hate a Christian brother/sister and be living in the light. Do you use your mouth to encourage, build up, or do you use it to kill, using murderous words and tones? Do you use your hands to point out other's flaws, or to lend a helping hand? Do you use your eyes to choose to overlook the humanity, flaws and struggle of another? Or to judge, criticize, condemn?
Quite the challenges for me...I'm on day three of more grace and forgiveness. I'd like to post next month that I"m on day 33, but I feel the struggle. I feel the whispers creeping in. Back to my knees...for the little things.

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