Friday, February 22, 2008

I decided

my deadline day is leap day. I'm too broken to keep this up, I can barely function and I'm getting physically sick. I need a vacation, which we can't afford anyway, and I'd end up back here with the same crap raining down nightly.
Last night, in an effort to start something new, Paul comes in and talks about money in a new way, telling me that money isn't the most important thing to him but that it is important. Ok, tell that to everyone who knows him. Tell that to his kids who waited for him to stop doing side jobs and notice they exist. Tell that to his nieces and nephews who know if UP is around it's pay your own way, don't even ask. Tell that to me, when his response to everything is how much is that going to cost. Wouldn't go to marriage counseling because he didn't want to pay for it. Doesn't want me to go to H@H because it will cost money. The cost/benefit conversation never even happens. Yep. I can tell money isn't the most important thing.
And then...at 230 after me telling him I don't want to talk, he tells me he's been struggling with anger, giving it up to God and it just won't go away...the two reasons? "I resent you for wanting to get a job to divorce me" and "I resent you NOT getting a job to relieve the pressure I feel". How the hell do I win here? The one thing he DOES do in our marriage and it's too much for him. I'm damned if I do and damned if I don't.
I really can't take this any more. I can't. I don't know what God wants from me here, but this can't be it can it? Nightly brawls with how I've failed as a wife, how he's tried as a husband (I tried to talk to you...about money of course) and accusations from him that three years of trying and wanting out now is not giving it my all.

4 comments:

Coffee_Cassie said...

This is one you can't win, Mom. No matter what you do, Dad's going to resent you for it. You've given him everything you have, and it's still not enough for him. You can't be superwoman, so please stop trying. Just walk away while you still can.

kyconmom said...

Please know that you will have my support no matter which decision you make. I hate to see you so sad and broken. You are a wonderful person and deserve to be loved nad happy. I am praying for you to have peace and acceptance in your heart. CG

Dor said...

please let me buy you a plane ticket and come to Carolina for a few days to catch up with an old friend who misses you and wants to help, listen, cry with, etc.

Please take me up on this. Come be the Ger with me that used to smile. I am here for you, you just have to ask.
I love you Dor

kyconmom said...

WOW--what a friend you have Ger! Please, please do it! Sometimes a little change in location can help make things clearer. Plus she sounds like she needs your friendship as much as you need hers right now.