my deadline day is leap day. I'm too broken to keep this up, I can barely function and I'm getting physically sick. I need a vacation, which we can't afford anyway, and I'd end up back here with the same crap raining down nightly.
Last night, in an effort to start something new, Paul comes in and talks about money in a new way, telling me that money isn't the most important thing to him but that it is important. Ok, tell that to everyone who knows him. Tell that to his kids who waited for him to stop doing side jobs and notice they exist. Tell that to his nieces and nephews who know if UP is around it's pay your own way, don't even ask. Tell that to me, when his response to everything is how much is that going to cost. Wouldn't go to marriage counseling because he didn't want to pay for it. Doesn't want me to go to H@H because it will cost money. The cost/benefit conversation never even happens. Yep. I can tell money isn't the most important thing.
And then...at 230 after me telling him I don't want to talk, he tells me he's been struggling with anger, giving it up to God and it just won't go away...the two reasons? "I resent you for wanting to get a job to divorce me" and "I resent you NOT getting a job to relieve the pressure I feel". How the hell do I win here? The one thing he DOES do in our marriage and it's too much for him. I'm damned if I do and damned if I don't.
I really can't take this any more. I can't. I don't know what God wants from me here, but this can't be it can it? Nightly brawls with how I've failed as a wife, how he's tried as a husband (I tried to talk to you...about money of course) and accusations from him that three years of trying and wanting out now is not giving it my all.