Thursday, February 21, 2008


I don't know how to process.
1) I know I shouldn't, but I love money more than you
2) I love you more or less depending on how well we're getting along
3) I don't know what love is or if I'm even capable of love

I really don't even know why we're still married. As he keeps verbalizing, I keep thinking, "What the hell am I doing here?" What is wrong with me that I'd stay in a marriage that is reflected in those three statemens. There's one more thing he said, and they come so fast these days I don't even recall them. What am I doing married to a man who doesn't even know what love is? I'm not just venting here. I'm really trying to figure this out. What keeps me in this marriage?
Because all these years of "abusive neglect" as our pastor put it, and all the broken, empty promises that didnt' last a week, and the never ending cycle of forgiveness, please give me one more chance, not showing up, is breaking my spirit. Breaking my heart.
And then people who see us nce a week say things like "embrace each other, really. just give each other a good long hug. It's healing" or "God has great plans for your marriage." Well, no doubt that God does. But is his plan that I just keep taking this emotional dumping and then keep going. If this were fists instead of words, everyone in their right mind would say get out. But because it's only words, followed with the inevitable "please make me feel better about myself" cycle, people think they sit in a place of being able to give encouragment to stay, stick it out, trust God.
I don't know what to do. I'm lost and sad and defeated and feel so alone and so much like I wasted all these years. And then I remember my kids. And I am thankful. So I guess the return on even this "oh my god, he doesn't even know how to love me. At least he admits it" realization is that I have two amazing people in my life that wouldn't exist if we hadn't gotten married.
Tears come and I push them away b/c Joseph doesn't need any more of this crap in his day. But he knows. I'm not really hiding anything from him. He's a smart, insightful kid. And then more tears come for my kids...they deserve better than this...

1 comment:

Coffee_Cassie said...

I honestly wish you would've left 3 years ago. Not because I want Dad to be miserable, but because you deserve better. You shouldn't have to put up with his bunk about not even knowing how to love. It's not fair to you. Joseph may not need to see you crying, but he knows you do. He knows, Mom, and so do I. You can't hide it from us, just like we can't hide anything from you. So why are you trying? Why are you trying to make a failing marriage work? It's been failing for 3 years, and nothing's changed. If the Son of God can weep, then who are you to say you can't?