Thursday, March 6, 2008

So don'tcha love it when...

you decide one thing, and pray for confirmation and God gives you a whole different set of marching orders?
That's what happened here...
I had a plan; I had total peace; and I continued to pray...for a check in my spirit that would be undeniable if this wasn't what God willed for me.
I spoke to my pastor, who shared some very candid words, as well as some thoughts on how to move into a separation with a hope of reconciliation at the end. He's a wise man. And kind. And honest. I hung up in tears, but still felt peace. Continued to pray. And then.
I was so convicted of how I've been treating Paul. How mean and cold and angry and unforgiving I've been. It doesn't matter what he's doing or not doing. I do not want to be the kind of woman who emanates anger and disappointment and dislike for and toward her husband. That is not
what God is creating in me. That is not what God is asking of me. And that is NOT what or who I am willing to do/be once I saw it. I know things are not going to be easy. I know it's going to be a challenge and there will be lots of tears as I allow the HS to continue to work in my heart. It may not even be "fair", but I know what I know about God and I know what I know about my part in this mess of a marriage. So I went to paul and told him all of that and asked for his forgiveness.
And then to top it off, it was the last night of our small group prayer meeting. And Paul asked for prayer that he'd be filled with the holy spirit. Praying for him overwhelmed my heart with sorrow that I haven't been praying for him like that (selflessly vs. a to do list for God)--or at all most days. It tendered my heart toward him in a way that I can't even remember how long it's been.
Here I went with what I thought was God's plan to kick Paul out...and even told him that he had to be out by Friday...and then the check of all checks in my spirit. I don't know where this is all going to end up. I know that there will be times I struggle and fail to be the person I'm convicted to be, but I'm giving it my all, and I'm not quitting and I'm not letting my growth and joy and peace be contingent on Paul meeting me with the same effort.
I was totally ready and willing to finish the process and discuss the boundaries and plans for separation...I know where this would have ended up without those prayers for confirmation
of God's will and a check in my spirit I couldn't' avoid if it wasn't. I am so humbled and grateful for a God that is willing to crack me upside the head, convict me with kindness, and give me the strength to work it all out in real life.
It's been a week since this happened. I talked with Paul about where we go from here; he said he'd come up with a plan. If he did, he didn't share it with me. I texted him, "I don't see a plan here" and the next night, he wrote up a plan. Which has never been discussed or implemented.
I'm sad, but I'm sticking to my end of it. I pray for him every night. Serious prayer. I respond when he's willing to talk, and settle for the teflon version of marriage that has become so familiar to me, going to God with my sad heart and disappointment; going to friends for connection and laughs.
I don't know how this is going to work out. I really don't. But I do know that I am being called to keep my heart soft; to keep kindness in the forefront; and to pray for Paul regardless of what I feel or see. That, honestly, is hard. I want to feel sorry for myself right now, to cry and to pull away and become unavailable. Today is a day I need to delve in to the Word, bring my needs and sadness to God. Trust him to make it all right, not trust Paul to.
So I'm off to Cassie's for the day. I'm sure I'll have pix to 50 of them or so!! LOL

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