Slept through plan A today,

and really felt compelled to go to FAOG for church this morning. The first song I knew why. All of the songs they did this week were about hanging on, waiting for mercy, resurrection.
The final song were these words:
I'm at a loss for words, there's nothing to say
I sit in silence wondering what led me to this place
How did my heart become so lifeless and cold
Where did the passion go?
When all my efforts seem like chasing wind
I've used up all my strength and there's nothing left to give
I've lost the feeling and I'm numb to the core
I can't fake it anymore.
chorus:Here I am at the end
I'm in need of resurrection
Only You can take this empty shell and raise it from the dead
What I've lost to the world what seems far beyond redemption
You can take the pieces in Your hand and make me whole again, again
You speak and all creation falls to its knees
You raise Your hand and calm the waves of the raging sea
You have a way of turning winter to spring
Make something beautiful out of all this suffering
chorus 2:Here I am once again I'm in need of resurrection
Only You can take this empty shell and raise it from the dead
What I've lost to the world what seems far beyond redemption
You can take the pieces in Your hand and make me whole again, again
You have a way of turning winter to spring
Make something beautiful out of all this suffering

This literally has been the worse week in my marriage. Ever. I am tired. I am heartbroken and weary. And I am out of ideas of what to do. I long for peace, for a time when I don't feel like a failure, judged and found lacking, for a solution, not an excuse. It's been two and a half years of exhausting efforts, and at the end I'm told "when you pay off this bill enough, then I will be able to work on my resentment toward you and work on my part of restoring our marriage". He's blacking out of conversations, forgetting what is said, maybe realizing what I've been saying for months: you are right back where you are but instead of porn, it's money. I know I will only get through this by the grace of God. But what does the end of the road look like?

Now I've had to answer the crappy questions to both of my kids "are you two going to make it?", Cassie the day before she turned 17 and Joseph, yesterday, with "I don't know. It's up to your dad at this point." Joseph never asked. It breaks my heart. He hears us and knows. It's not like you can hide things from your kids no matter how skilled we think we are at it. They SNIFF out trouble, like a fresh brownie. And darn me for telling them I"d always be honest with them. Why couldn't I just lie and say "yeah, sure." then what? When he hears me crying or coughing in the living room at 2 in the morning. He knows. Even when I say "no, I just can't sleep". He knows.
I hate that my kids have to pay ANY price for our stuff. That my nieces and nephews are so disappointed and scared and hurt. That Joseph texts "I'm scared". It's not fair. And I don't know what to do beyond pray and get a job to pay off this all powerful bill.