Finally unpacked

from last week's crop (I guess it's almost 2 weeks now), and last weekend's impromptu trip to the scrapbook expo. I decided I was going to do it RIGHT,not just a stash and dash. And so it took longer, but now everything is prepared and ready to be used, away where it belongs.

And not letting the situation with Paul dictate the terms of my life (trying to find my healthy center here!!), I did a nice cleaning on the house, washed the windows, started reading a book on Anger in marriage (seemed appropriate!!) and began exercising again. HELP ME!!! I always quit this and I really need some encouragement on that front!!



I sorted all my layouts (like 100 of them) into the right album. A weekend project is to get them in the page protectors (all of my albums need more inserts!!)







And babysat the little man last night...Cassie and Chris had their first anniversary

some thoughts on IL...

so the challenge here is to take the letters of Illinois and make two lists. One that tells what I love about it and one that I hate about it...here ya go!!

I--I'm totally familiar with it...know where every thing is
L--Leaves changing colors
L--ladies who I admire, laugh with, learn from
I--it's where my family is...mostly
N--Nieces love it here and visit me!!
O--Only Bears fans need apply
I--it was a great place to homeschool my kids
S--seasons...the bulbs popping up in the spring, ice covered trees, fall colors. Ok, I hate summer

I--I hate the cold
L--Loser sports teams are our reputation but it's a LIE!
L--Living so far from M&M, Judy, etc.
I--it would be nice to not have asthmatic attacks
N--neighbors are rude (not in the whole state, I'm just talking about my neighborhood)
O--oppressive traffic. ALWAYS!!
I--income tax going up every darn year
S--squishy. People keep moving here. Developments everywhere

Busy week

with a major storm, asthma, Cassie and Chris dropping by and getting some scrapping done. Feel pretty balanced...now if only I could breathe!!
This was the radar on Monday (I think) night...three tornadoes blew through here, one touched down in Bolingbrook, and dumped a ton of rain. The irony is that it was cooler BEFORE the storm...




He makes the funniest faces...sucking on his gums, looking at us incredulously, and in general showing his really BIG personality!! I pulled out a book for him, Goodnight Moon, which he proceeded to lick, gum, eat, pat and occasionally look at the pictures!
It was a nice surprise on a day I felt physically drained; and I could barely talk!!






My two favorite layouts for the last few days...A couple of pictures I'd had blown up with no real plan except that I liked them alot!!

Emailed the lawyer today

to take the next step toward divorce. Divorcing my childhood sweetheart, the first person I trusted with my family's real picture, the father of my children, breaker of my heart, the single biggest disappointment I have ever dealt with in my life.
There is something particularly crushing about watching someone NOT fight for a relationship, but this is a pain I can't even put into words...the awareness that he'd rather just wait for the end, telling himself that we'll make it through this, then slink off to bed without even saying good night. Would rather work on recovery once a week and say he was doing all he could than face the heartbreak of who he has been and choices he has made and the devastating results of all of that. And then move on.
That for all my fight, for all my passion, for all my love and for all my forgiveness, I couldn't make it work. I couldn't get him to see I needed more than an update on the flooded basement. I needed a man willing to invest in our marriage, our family more than going to work and coming home. That this addiction, as my pastor said, created a hole in him that needs to be filled. And changing to the 4th counselor and reading another book while implementing nothing of it willnot do it.
I don't know how I will get through this...my chest feels like it's going to explode. I can't sleep. I eat, but always feel sick after I do. And after crying for a week, I thought I was done. But he walked away again tonight...has nothing to say on the day I tell him I've taken the next step. I never thought I'd be able to say I love him, hate him and can't be married to hiim any more. My head cant' wrap itself around the contradictions. I stare off into space and realize an hour has gone by again. I've done nothing....lost in my thoughts and shut down.
I wish I had filed three years ago. There was a part of me then that knew he wouldn't fight for us, that we weren't important enough in his life.
I can't believe he really isn't going to do anything but hide and make excuses. How did we get to here? How did he make it ok within him to just quit on us? To let us go through all this pain, for me to walk through the betrayals that I've dealt with and just think things would be ok in the end.
And being the mature person I am, I went through and threw out all the willow tree angels that were couples...and the hugging couple I gave him that's been sitting on his empty nightstand for 9 months. What I wanted to do was chuck them at his head. So I guess just tossing them was an improvement...I can't take one more reminder of what we AREN"T. What we won't be. As he sleeps next door. I cry.

The girls are gone,

the house is resembling normal and it's time for me to get back to "normal" life. I'm uploading pictures but don't have time to post them here today...but I will. DOn't you worry!!

One word answers...
It is very nearly impossible for me to keep anything to one word but I did my best.
1. Where is your cell phone? charging
2. Your significant other? Working
3. Your hair? wet
4. Your mother? loner
5. Your father? gone
6. Your favorite thing? faith
7. Your dream last night? None
8. Your favorite drink? tea
9. Your dream/goal? fitness
10. The room you’re in? office
11. Your church? fabulous
12. Your fear? failure
13. Where do you want to be in 6 years? elsewhere
14. Where were you last night? Here
15. What you’re not? fed
16. Muffins? Blueberry
17. One of your wish list items? restoration
18. Where you grew up? everywhere
19. The last thing you did? laundry
20. What are you wearing? shorts
21. Your TV? Closer
22. Your pets? None
23. Your computer? Laptop
24. Your life? Blessed
25. Your mood? melancholy
26. Missing someone? Yes
27. Your car? sparkly
28. Something you’re not wearing? makeup
29. Favorite store? Goodwill
30. Your summer? Fabulous
31. Like (love) someone? Many
32. Your favorite color? Red
33. Last time you laughed? yesterday
34. Last time you cried? airport

Haven't posted in six weeks...

I remember thinking the night of that Barak won the democratic nomination I should post. I was so moved by Hillary Clinton's speech, not because I like her (really, if you know me, you know I FOAM at the mouth DISLIKE them) but because here was a woman standing on a national platform, putting a woman's touch to politics...and it really made me realize that what I used to proclaim to the world was true. A girl can grow up to be ANYTHING these days. My daughter chose wife and mom, a great choice, but if she had chosen politics, it is a possibility now. Not a dream. My grandchildren will live in a very different world because of Hillary Clinton's run for office.
Then there was the ramping up for my bday and Melissa's trip and my trip to WA. And came home to Paul not acting on the ultimatum I gave him the day I left...
and a trip to a divorce attorney. Five days of crying to the point of my chest hurting, crying in my sleep, and crying some more.
I don't know what's going to happen from here, but I know I need to start reclaiming what was my life before his addiction came to light. So if he wants to do nothing and proclaim that all is well, even with a mountain of events proclaiming otherwise, he can. I just can't live on the crazy train any more.

My countdown

TEN "essentials" that I cannot scrapbook without:
My scrap space. I'm a stay at home scrapper.
A tidy home. No dishes in the sink, a clean floor...
Photos that make me smile.
My cutterpede
Dotto adhesive, although I'm considering others right now. It's annoying me!!
Ink, patterned papers…a day isn't complete without ink on my fingies!!
My water bottle
Chocolate...just one little one
My computer...99% of my journaling is done on it
Time...I like having an afternoon, not 15 minutes. But I'll take that too!!



NINE words I love are:
"I love you", "Are you home?" "I'm stopping by"



EIGHT things that define my happy place:
home, family, friends, sun, relaxation, music, Bible study.



SEVEN things I love about my "every day" life …
Sleeping in. Love it every single time!!
Crock-pot meals...especially on scrapping days
Scrapbooking late at night when the house is quiet.
Playing with my little man.
Time to myself.
Talking/texting my kids and nieces.
Online chats with friends.



SIX places I'd love to visit before I die:
Ireland
The Grand Canyon
Judy...LOL
Europe
Beaver Island again
The states I've not yet seen



FIVE things I do everyday, without fail:
Drink tea
Hug my son
Check emails
Connect with someone
Exercise (day 3...but still)



FOUR websites I frequent:
http://www.comcast.net/
http://www.travelocity.com/
http://www.bigpicturescrapbooking.com/
http://www.scrapscene.com/



THREE layouts I love:

I love this one because of the colors, the title strip and it's me and my little man. There just aren't that many pix with me...as with my kids, I have to literally GIVE someone the camera and tell them to take the pictures







These are some of my favorite pictures. Besides him just being bug eyed and silly looking, he's got so much personality. I also liekd focusing on the one big picture that was my favorite with the others playing "supporting characters". My favorite expressions all on one page!!







I liked this one because of the circle. It's a total sketch layout, but the colors are indicative of the season, the rubons I've had for years and sitll looked good and it was jsut plain fun to do. Gotta love my ink!!






TWO decisions I've never regretted:
graduating college...I almost quit with 2 classes left
having children...I love my kids to death, and no matter what buttons they push (which is pretty rare these days), those buttons were installed with years of love and intimacy and connection. They make me laugh, challenge me as a woman, make me proud...

ONE additional and very important thing you should know about me:
I made this blog even more private. I have things I've filtered out of my own ramblings in case someone read it. I removed people I KNOW haven't respected my privacy and feel one step better about my life...And I'm on the brink of 45 (HOW DID THAT HAPPEN???)