Friday, August 1, 2008

Emailed the lawyer today

to take the next step toward divorce. Divorcing my childhood sweetheart, the first person I trusted with my family's real picture, the father of my children, breaker of my heart, the single biggest disappointment I have ever dealt with in my life.
There is something particularly crushing about watching someone NOT fight for a relationship, but this is a pain I can't even put into words...the awareness that he'd rather just wait for the end, telling himself that we'll make it through this, then slink off to bed without even saying good night. Would rather work on recovery once a week and say he was doing all he could than face the heartbreak of who he has been and choices he has made and the devastating results of all of that. And then move on.
That for all my fight, for all my passion, for all my love and for all my forgiveness, I couldn't make it work. I couldn't get him to see I needed more than an update on the flooded basement. I needed a man willing to invest in our marriage, our family more than going to work and coming home. That this addiction, as my pastor said, created a hole in him that needs to be filled. And changing to the 4th counselor and reading another book while implementing nothing of it willnot do it.
I don't know how I will get through chest feels like it's going to explode. I can't sleep. I eat, but always feel sick after I do. And after crying for a week, I thought I was done. But he walked away again tonight...has nothing to say on the day I tell him I've taken the next step. I never thought I'd be able to say I love him, hate him and can't be married to hiim any more. My head cant' wrap itself around the contradictions. I stare off into space and realize an hour has gone by again. I've done nothing....lost in my thoughts and shut down.
I wish I had filed three years ago. There was a part of me then that knew he wouldn't fight for us, that we weren't important enough in his life.
I can't believe he really isn't going to do anything but hide and make excuses. How did we get to here? How did he make it ok within him to just quit on us? To let us go through all this pain, for me to walk through the betrayals that I've dealt with and just think things would be ok in the end.
And being the mature person I am, I went through and threw out all the willow tree angels that were couples...and the hugging couple I gave him that's been sitting on his empty nightstand for 9 months. What I wanted to do was chuck them at his head. So I guess just tossing them was an improvement...I can't take one more reminder of what we AREN"T. What we won't be. As he sleeps next door. I cry.

1 comment:

Coffee_Cassie said...

I'm sorry, Mom. Times like this I wish I could kiss it better, like I do with most of Ronnie's boo-boos, but this is one I can't fix, can't make go away, can't do anything about.... but I can be sad. For you, and for Dad. As shut down as he is, I really think he's at a loss. I think he doesn't do anything, because he doesn't know WHAT to do. It's frightening to see that, and not have any answers, not have anything to say.