Wisdom is knowing what to do next

skill is knowing how to do it and virtue is doing it.
I don't know what to do next, so I guess I'll stop there. I committed to praying for Paul daily, every evening before I go to bed regardless of how I feel.
And every day he gets less responsive, colder and more unfeeling, goes off to bed every night with barely a small talk conversation. If I'm angry, he shuts down; if I"m sad, he's non responsive, and if I'm "normal", he's checked out.
I don't know what God is doing here, but I have to say I'm not enjoying it. I feel lonely and sad, abandoned and completely unloved by my husband.
Went back to Hearts at home this year. First time in three years. All kinds of feelings and struggles came to the surface...and Paul doesn't, won't, isn't even acknowledge what it all is. Walking back into the place where God outed him and started us on this road to honesty and all that has happened since then. To the same keynote speakers, when they usually rotate (I guess a three year rotation??), to the place where I'm called to be a better wife and mother, but also the place that I most identify with the worse crises in my life, year after year after year.
And every single workshop talked about not only what brought us to this point, but the aloneness of it all. One of the workshop leaders said I had grit, to keep my eye on the horizon while not ignoring the facts of my life. That she believes there's a great call on my life, far more than I can vision.
And I come home to Paul and Joseph watching a movie, a 5 minute synopsis of the day and back to the movie.
Oh..and not to forget being told the clock is broken. Silly, hopeful me thought he was coming back to listen, to show that he cared. Nope. Just another logistics update.
I'm so sad; I know I need to pour this out to God, and I do, but the tears keep coming and sleep won't. How did I end up so alone in a relationship that I valued so highly? What is God doing here, as the weeks and months and years go on? What am I supposed to be doing that I don't do? Why can't I just let all of this disregard not get to me so much? Why do I keep letting myself get hurt again and again and again? In order to get my expectations low enough to not get hurt, it would be expecting a conversation with my husband that I'd have with someone at Michael's or Target, if they saw my H@H bag. Is it really such a unrealistic expectation to hope that my husband would have a conversation with me? It just doesn't seem to me that it is; and why does my son come to see if I'm ok while my husband keeps watching the movie.
Is that really what God wants from me? To lower my expectations of intimacy with my husband to that level? Because it isn't that I don't pour it out to God, but really, is it too much to ask that I matter to my husband? Is it? And how do I deal with this and not feel hurt? Feel ignored? Feel so damn unloved, invisible, irrelevant.
So I sit here blogging and crying, and Paul snores on. What is wrong with me

Apparently...

there's a new king in town. A little guy who has hijacked my blog. So the stories (and there are several) will wait for another day. His adoring public has spoken...

I love this picture. Every time I look at it, I laugh. And I look at it alot. My Prison Break wallpaper has been booted for the cutie patootie.

And this one was originally a reject, but I love how they are looking at each other so intently. We are pathetic. Seriously. This little guy is the center of the house when he enters....

Even though Joseph's eyes are closed in this, or so squinchee, they look closed, I just love this. He's finally holding him like he's not afraid and was talking to him and acting a fool...as previously inferred in the last set of comments.

This one is frame worthy. Darn it. The perfect frame for it was one I didn't get today. I'm going back tomorrow. I hope it's there!!

Seriously...he is edible!!

Look at him checking out mommy!! Cassie looks better every time I see her; I little less exhausted each time. Darn little guy needs to start sleeping at night...

We matched on this particular day, but for some unknown reason, there are NO pix of me and my little guy.

Good thing I'm seeing him tomorrow!!

Praying through our brokenness

We are all the same, broken. And though some of us might look better or act better on the outside, we are each of us capable -- in the blink of an eye, the beat of a heart -- of falling.

I thought that was a great thought...and so true. Some of us can dress up our brokenness or sin better than others. We can talk the talk and pretend to walk the walk; or walk it awhile and quit. It's hard, REALLY HARD, to walk through seasons of brokenness in our lives and rely on God to fix them, to soothe us, to trust that the creator of the universe can create something beautiful out of brokenness.

A friend of mine has a set of tealight holders that say "P R A Y". And one of them broke. She was talking, with some sadness in her voice, about how she'd light those candles during her quiet time and it would remind her to pray, bu tthat now she's have to throw them out. The R was broken. That left PAY or YAP. Neither was appealing to her. I looked at her and said, or you can pray through your brokenness. I take no credit for that thought. It was planted in my head, as much for me as for my friend. And so, I pray through my brokenness, and celebrate healing and new life...

with my little man...who was full or spit and vinegar Thursday when I went to hang with Cassie and him. He is smiling now, but clearly not on demand. He's all stretched out and flailing his arms about, with no real purpose than to make them move. He's looking around, in awe of everything and pretty content till about 1:00 in the morning, Cassie says. He loves his mama and falls asleep in his GG's arms every single visit. And I'm thankful...for the prayers through the brokenness of Cassie's rebelllion...for the healing God has done in our relationship...for how much she is growing and learning and loving being a mom...for grace...and forgiveness...and zippered hearts. It's a treasure each and every time I spend time with Cass, talking about music and food, parenting and prayer, silly things men do. But mostly just jumping in the deep end of life with my little girl grown up ...seeing her smile and laugh and have it reach her eyes and knowing that it's real. Her honesty and take on life is refreshing...and so...I know that praying through our brokenness not only heals our hearts, but also heals hurt relationships...brings strength where there was a hole...brings peace and joy and new life...literally and figuratively.

So don'tcha love it when...

you decide one thing, and pray for confirmation and God gives you a whole different set of marching orders?
That's what happened here...
I had a plan; I had total peace; and I continued to pray...for a check in my spirit that would be undeniable if this wasn't what God willed for me.
I spoke to my pastor, who shared some very candid words, as well as some thoughts on how to move into a separation with a hope of reconciliation at the end. He's a wise man. And kind. And honest. I hung up in tears, but still felt peace. Continued to pray. And then.
I was so convicted of how I've been treating Paul. How mean and cold and angry and unforgiving I've been. It doesn't matter what he's doing or not doing. I do not want to be the kind of woman who emanates anger and disappointment and dislike for and toward her husband. That is not
what God is creating in me. That is not what God is asking of me. And that is NOT what or who I am willing to do/be once I saw it. I know things are not going to be easy. I know it's going to be a challenge and there will be lots of tears as I allow the HS to continue to work in my heart. It may not even be "fair", but I know what I know about God and I know what I know about my part in this mess of a marriage. So I went to paul and told him all of that and asked for his forgiveness.
And then to top it off, it was the last night of our small group prayer meeting. And Paul asked for prayer that he'd be filled with the holy spirit. Praying for him overwhelmed my heart with sorrow that I haven't been praying for him like that (selflessly vs. a to do list for God)--or at all most days. It tendered my heart toward him in a way that I can't even remember how long it's been.
Here I went with what I thought was God's plan to kick Paul out...and even told him that he had to be out by Friday...and then the check of all checks in my spirit. I don't know where this is all going to end up. I know that there will be times I struggle and fail to be the person I'm convicted to be, but I'm giving it my all, and I'm not quitting and I'm not letting my growth and joy and peace be contingent on Paul meeting me with the same effort.
I was totally ready and willing to finish the process and discuss the boundaries and plans for separation...I know where this would have ended up without those prayers for confirmation
of God's will and a check in my spirit I couldn't' avoid if it wasn't. I am so humbled and grateful for a God that is willing to crack me upside the head, convict me with kindness, and give me the strength to work it all out in real life.
It's been a week since this happened. I talked with Paul about where we go from here; he said he'd come up with a plan. If he did, he didn't share it with me. I texted him, "I don't see a plan here" and the next night, he wrote up a plan. Which has never been discussed or implemented.
I'm sad, but I'm sticking to my end of it. I pray for him every night. Serious prayer. I respond when he's willing to talk, and settle for the teflon version of marriage that has become so familiar to me, going to God with my sad heart and disappointment; going to friends for connection and laughs.
I don't know how this is going to work out. I really don't. But I do know that I am being called to keep my heart soft; to keep kindness in the forefront; and to pray for Paul regardless of what I feel or see. That, honestly, is hard. I want to feel sorry for myself right now, to cry and to pull away and become unavailable. Today is a day I need to delve in to the Word, bring my needs and sadness to God. Trust him to make it all right, not trust Paul to.
So I'm off to Cassie's for the day. I'm sure I'll have pix to post...like 50 of them or so!! LOL

I decided

my deadline day is leap day. I'm too broken to keep this up, I can barely function and I'm getting physically sick. I need a vacation, which we can't afford anyway, and I'd end up back here with the same crap raining down nightly.
Last night, in an effort to start something new, Paul comes in and talks about money in a new way, telling me that money isn't the most important thing to him but that it is important. Ok, tell that to everyone who knows him. Tell that to his kids who waited for him to stop doing side jobs and notice they exist. Tell that to his nieces and nephews who know if UP is around it's pay your own way, don't even ask. Tell that to me, when his response to everything is how much is that going to cost. Wouldn't go to marriage counseling because he didn't want to pay for it. Doesn't want me to go to H@H because it will cost money. The cost/benefit conversation never even happens. Yep. I can tell money isn't the most important thing.
And then...at 230 after me telling him I don't want to talk, he tells me he's been struggling with anger, giving it up to God and it just won't go away...the two reasons? "I resent you for wanting to get a job to divorce me" and "I resent you NOT getting a job to relieve the pressure I feel". How the hell do I win here? The one thing he DOES do in our marriage and it's too much for him. I'm damned if I do and damned if I don't.
I really can't take this any more. I can't. I don't know what God wants from me here, but this can't be it can it? Nightly brawls with how I've failed as a wife, how he's tried as a husband (I tried to talk to you...about money of course) and accusations from him that three years of trying and wanting out now is not giving it my all.

sentences

I don't know how to process.
1) I know I shouldn't, but I love money more than you
2) I love you more or less depending on how well we're getting along
3) I don't know what love is or if I'm even capable of love

I really don't even know why we're still married. As he keeps verbalizing, I keep thinking, "What the hell am I doing here?" What is wrong with me that I'd stay in a marriage that is reflected in those three statemens. There's one more thing he said, and they come so fast these days I don't even recall them. What am I doing married to a man who doesn't even know what love is? I'm not just venting here. I'm really trying to figure this out. What keeps me in this marriage?
Because all these years of "abusive neglect" as our pastor put it, and all the broken, empty promises that didnt' last a week, and the never ending cycle of forgiveness, please give me one more chance, not showing up, is breaking my spirit. Breaking my heart.
And then people who see us nce a week say things like "embrace each other, really. just give each other a good long hug. It's healing" or "God has great plans for your marriage." Well, no doubt that God does. But is his plan that I just keep taking this emotional dumping and then keep going. If this were fists instead of words, everyone in their right mind would say get out. But because it's only words, followed with the inevitable "please make me feel better about myself" cycle, people think they sit in a place of being able to give encouragment to stay, stick it out, trust God.
I don't know what to do. I'm lost and sad and defeated and feel so alone and so much like I wasted all these years. And then I remember my kids. And I am thankful. So I guess the return on even this "oh my god, he doesn't even know how to love me. At least he admits it" realization is that I have two amazing people in my life that wouldn't exist if we hadn't gotten married.
Tears come and I push them away b/c Joseph doesn't need any more of this crap in his day. But he knows. I'm not really hiding anything from him. He's a smart, insightful kid. And then more tears come for my kids...they deserve better than this...

Do you think...

that taking 50 pix of my little man is excessive? That would be how many were shot tonight while we were babysitting...not counting our phone pix. He's just so darn cute and it takes 10 pix to get a good one, but here are some of my faves from tonight....

Cassie and Chris dropped him off about 345 and I had him all to myself till about 615. It was a real hardship, but I managed. After figuring out how to set up a pack and play, after 3 hours, I figured out we wont' need that for SOME time. He's just little and easy to hold and so darn compact. Anyway, here he is in all his glory!!




Who are you going to vote for??? Let me think...

Wait!! i have an idea...now where did I leave my pacifier???






Can they not tell I have a dirty diaper? Paul changed him too soon...and the he pooped as Paul was changing him...which is why I always waited. LOL





Our first self portrait. That's what it's going to take to get me in a picture!!