Saturday, March 15, 2008

Wisdom is knowing what to do next

skill is knowing how to do it and virtue is doing it.
I don't know what to do next, so I guess I'll stop there. I committed to praying for Paul daily, every evening before I go to bed regardless of how I feel.
And every day he gets less responsive, colder and more unfeeling, goes off to bed every night with barely a small talk conversation. If I'm angry, he shuts down; if I"m sad, he's non responsive, and if I'm "normal", he's checked out.
I don't know what God is doing here, but I have to say I'm not enjoying it. I feel lonely and sad, abandoned and completely unloved by my husband.
Went back to Hearts at home this year. First time in three years. All kinds of feelings and struggles came to the surface...and Paul doesn't, won't, isn't even acknowledge what it all is. Walking back into the place where God outed him and started us on this road to honesty and all that has happened since then. To the same keynote speakers, when they usually rotate (I guess a three year rotation??), to the place where I'm called to be a better wife and mother, but also the place that I most identify with the worse crises in my life, year after year after year.
And every single workshop talked about not only what brought us to this point, but the aloneness of it all. One of the workshop leaders said I had grit, to keep my eye on the horizon while not ignoring the facts of my life. That she believes there's a great call on my life, far more than I can vision.
And I come home to Paul and Joseph watching a movie, a 5 minute synopsis of the day and back to the movie.
Oh..and not to forget being told the clock is broken. Silly, hopeful me thought he was coming back to listen, to show that he cared. Nope. Just another logistics update.
I'm so sad; I know I need to pour this out to God, and I do, but the tears keep coming and sleep won't. How did I end up so alone in a relationship that I valued so highly? What is God doing here, as the weeks and months and years go on? What am I supposed to be doing that I don't do? Why can't I just let all of this disregard not get to me so much? Why do I keep letting myself get hurt again and again and again? In order to get my expectations low enough to not get hurt, it would be expecting a conversation with my husband that I'd have with someone at Michael's or Target, if they saw my H@H bag. Is it really such a unrealistic expectation to hope that my husband would have a conversation with me? It just doesn't seem to me that it is; and why does my son come to see if I'm ok while my husband keeps watching the movie.
Is that really what God wants from me? To lower my expectations of intimacy with my husband to that level? Because it isn't that I don't pour it out to God, but really, is it too much to ask that I matter to my husband? Is it? And how do I deal with this and not feel hurt? Feel ignored? Feel so damn unloved, invisible, irrelevant.
So I sit here blogging and crying, and Paul snores on. What is wrong with me

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