Monday, March 17, 2008

St Patrick's Day...

this is a significant day in our family. The day Paul and I hooked up and never looked back. I think it was round 3 by then, 25 years ago.
I got corned beef and cabbage; gonna make it tonight. Cancelled going out with Theresa in order to do it. I didn't realize when I set it up that it was St. Patrick's Day. It was just next Monday!! LOL
One of the speakers this weekend spoke about the difference between self pity and grief. Grief being "this is my situation, this is how I feel and letting the feelings come, rise up and then dissipate while living a life in other areas". Self pity being "me, me, me, what about me". So I'm feeling ok because I'm acknowledging my feelings but not wallowing in them.
It was startling to see all the women who attended the "alone in marriage" workshop. As Cindi pointed out...see you aren't alone. And I know I'm not.
So I made a card and left it under his blanket...acknowledging today and telling him I missed that guy who was my friend and lover and the one I laughed with.
Just doing the next right thing...that would be after apologizing for being sarcastic yesterday; telling him that I was hurt by the way he acted and not getting mad when he said "I know" and walked away; after trying to engage in any conversation; after texting him good night when he just went to bed while I went to the bathroom. I just want to write them when I do it, so when I get discouraged I can look back and remind myself that this is NOT too much. And that it's not about Paul being nice or receptive or responsive. It's about doing that next thing that God puts on my heart, without hesitation or argument or anger. Just do it.
I'm so thankful for that Intersection 242 3 week study. I think it's really changed my heart toward Paul for good. Looking at my stuff and leaving him to his. It's so heartbreaking to see him pull farther and farther away, to a darker and darker place and know that he has to do this with God...and let him get to the point of texting me for conversation without getting angry. Just sad. I can't force him to do what I need or want or even think is right. But I can be kind. And I can forgive. And I can do the next right thing.

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