Intimacy as a

mosaic. That was my big insight this week. We define intimacy in a variety of ways, right? My husband defines it as telling me what is going on with him.

The definition on answers.com is:
The condition of being intimate. An instance of being intimate.

How stupid is that???

Another definition:

intimacy n
Definition: closeness between people

Here's my definition and since it's my blog you are reading, I assume you care!! BWAHAHAHA!!

Intimacy is allowing others to see you, but also seeking to see into them. It is being honest when you don't have to. It's being real, knowing that showing who you really are is more important than impressing the person across from you.

It's sitting close enough to touch, or even touch, without feeling awkward. Hugging just for the heck of it...

It's sitting in silence and knowing it's ok...that it doesn't have to be a constant dialogue.

It's shopping with a friend on her cell phone because she wants your opinion..and remembering why that shopping trip is hard to do. And reminding her that it's ok to have it be hard.

It's reaching across a table and wiping away a tear. Or waiting for the emotion to get under control so the conversation can continue...or just crying together.

It's knowing where someone's wounds are and not lobbing emotional missiles at it just because you COULD.

It's knowing what game someone loves (and hates) and playing it, what their favorite food is and making it. It's being a student of those you love...and passing those pop quizzes.

It's sharing our faith stories, struggles and convictions. It's shared prayer.

It's being comfortable enough with friends to put your feet (not shoes)on their table and squirt whipped cream straight into your mouth.

It's brushing gnarled hair gently, using a half bottle of conditioner so it doesn't hurt so much.

It's staying up late talking...laughing...martini-ing...or not. It's honoring someone else's positions even if you don't agree.

It's knowing you can flop down anywhere, any time.

It's texting pix of no double chin...or a new size of clothes...just because you know they'd celebrate with you. It's texting good morning or knowing you can call before 10 (really!!)

Intimacy, to me, is the greatest honor given and the greatest reflection of growth in a relationship.

Friday the 13th

brings a homeschool formal here. Joseph is wearing a bright pink shirt and black paisley tie. His hair is cut short to show off his hot pink earring. It's like big boy time...formal, then spend the night with the guys, then off tomorrow to points yet to be determined. What happened to my little ones and why did they have to grow up so darn fast?
I had a dream last night that Cassie was little again...sometimes I wonder if she gets how much I love her...or if she still thinks she needs to "earn" it. Is that a message I sent alot when she was growing up? I tell myself it's not...but I guess I'd have to ask the kids that question...not answer it for myself.
Supposed to be scrapping right now, but my scrapping mojo seems to be on Spring break. It's hard for me to scrap when I'm uber tired and unfocused...and that, thanks to my asthma, is how I feel pretty much daily!
I need a prayer and accountability partner..all applications will be considered!! The candidate need be: honest, but kind. Willing to speak difficult truths with grace. A mature Christian who loves to laugh too...and someone who is married with kids will probably get a greater understanding of what I struggle with, since that always seems to be the center of my "issues".
Praying for my church especially this weekend...I read this scripture today about living, as much as we can, in peace with others and not having a contentious spirit. Sigh. How nice that would be to see that lived out.. but I"m going on I can only do my part...so that is what I will do!!

A quick count-down list for today!
10 things I think about these days: (in no particular order0
Dori--wondering how she is
Summer vacation
Our trip out to SC
Cassie's wedding
American Idol (darn them for booting Gina!!)
Our church's challenges (usually followed by a prayer)
Getting highlights
My dad...missing him lots
New love seat or chairs for living room
My behated acrylic nail

Nine things I need to do soon:
Call my mom
Make a a box for M&M...it's been awhile
Dejunk the basement
Purge some more scrapbook stuff
Write my nephew onboard USS Carter Hall
Laundry... always.... laundry (really, isn't that nuts)
Dust
Buy or check out The Upstairs Room
Finish planning April's Girls night out


Eight things I have read lately:
Old class notes from Wed night
My Heart is at Home
The nail instructions/notes from Nailtek
More magazine
Every Woman's Marriage
The obituaries (didn't do that till dad died)
Joseph's term paper
Lynda Bishop's blog

Seven things that I do really well:
Make tea (thank you brewer!)
Listen to other's concerns
Keep a clean house (ok, picked up and ready for drop ins)
Enjoy life
Blog
Scrapbook
Love my family (hope THEY know that!! LOL)

Six thoughts about American Idol:
How does Sanjaya’s mother feel about of his celebrity?
Does Melinda realize how good she is?
Who went to Gina Glockson's parade yesterday?
Why doesn’t FOX change the voting system to just put an instant stop to the destructive voting website?
Will IDOL be able to continue if they don’t?
How much more rude will Sanjaya get and is it me or does it just seem like he gets more arrogant with every passing week? His "Welcome to the world of Sanjaya!"comment just kills me..and he's a church boy. Sigh.

Five things I love about this time of year:
Opening the windows!
Flowers coming up in my front yard...they sure are working hard this year with the cold!!
Counting down until the last day of school...just one year left
Fire pits and eating outside on the deck!
Yummy fresh fruits and veggies

Four things I buy immediately:
batteries...always batteries
a card that says exactly what I want
great scrapbook idea books (not like I need another)
stamps (darn you Kimberlee Patton, for awakening my slumbering addiction!!)


Three things that I love to do every day:
Crawl into bed with my fave blankie
Talk with my favorite peeps, either by phone email or IM. I'm not picky
Drink hot tea in the morning while I do my bible study and prayer

Two things that I want really bad:
Cassie to find her way home...or at least back to an intimate relationship with Christ.
a round trip ticket each month to see those I love

One quote to leave you thinking..
Where is home? Home is where the heart can laugh without shyness. Home is where the heart's tears can dry at their own pace. (Vernon Baker)

I'm tired...

These are Joseph's attempts at getting a good picture of me doing eggs...there are about 8 more where these came from. When he showed me the tongue out one, I looked at him over my glasses...well, he has a knack...just don't know if anyone would hire him for pictures!! None of us could recreate one shot with a ginormous belly protrusion, so we're calling it a freaky film thing. No doubt Melissa will be horrified that I posted it, but hey!! It's my life...and y'all gotta know how hard it is for me to get someone to take a decent picture...hence the self portraits left right and center.!!

the weather is dreary and sun is MIA again...was pelted with sleet as I went to MOPS this morning...

I'm amazed at how many memories are stirred in me as Phil recovers from his stroke. And I am so thankful for the technology that has been brought to fruition in the last five years. What would have happened with my dad's stroke if that stroke medicine was available? Or the anti brain swelling medicine. I'm not complaining, just missing my dad I guess...they (Phil and dad) had the same kind of stroke with such different results. I'm so thankful for Phil's recovery...and hope and pray that he doesn't need a feeding tube...and...

Easter kinda got lost in the midst of Phil's recovery...so I"m doing a late review. It was really fun till the last hour. A few things I noted:

Cassie kept turning her back to eat her Easter candy, like she had to sneak it or didn't want us to know she was eating it. Not sure what that was about.

Food was great and made a yummmmmmmo relish to serve with the ham:
1/2 of a 5 oz. jar of cream horseradish
20 oz crushed pineapple, drained
16 oz whole cranberry sauce
Mix and let flavors blend for at least an hour. It was good and I don't like cranberries AT all!! Try it and let me know what you think.

My mom was nice...really nice. Seemed to enjoy the gathering. She did get snippy with Lindsay once, but for her that's an astronomical improvement.
Tarzan boy lives!!

Don does play games...he says he doesn't like them, but we've taught him 4 different games at the last two gatherings and he's had fun and laughed. I think we've figured out how to relate to my family well...Thank you Lord!!

I haven't talked to my brother Joe since Thanksgiving...and haven't seen him since last summer. I am so sad to realize that. I call; text; email. He says he'll call and he doesn't. Now he doesn't even return texts. His heart must be so broken and his relationships are paying the price for his solitude and workaholic response to whatever he's struggling with. We used to talk 3 times a week...I never thought it would get to three times a year. So sad...I miss him....but I"m so sad for his life being in this state...and that it's self imposed.

The first set of "losers" in the game...Theresa stuck it out most of the game, as I recall!! So there could be about 10 copies of the same picture, but this one tells it all!!

I'm doing a 20 day "school" on relating to women (especially me!!) for Paul. Last night was lesson #1...cultivate intimacy by turning your body toward someone when you talk to them. Paul says I should teach a class at church...that it would be full of men. And then Joseph walks i the room and that's the end of that!! LOL So much for that going anywhere conversationally!! LOL

We did mirrors for MOPS today...my latest layout is one of the sample ones I did. And at MOPS, I'm always struck by the masks women wear, not daring to acknowledge a less than perfect life, like that somehow reflects on them as a woman instead of the world as fallen. I'm blessed with so many real people in my life, and it hurts my heart to know there's got to be a chink in the armor of these ladies but they go it alone. Not me sista!! I'm all for getting the help I need!!

Melissa interviewed for a job...I think it sounds promising. She's amazingly articulate and funny and talented, with great ideas and a wonderful grasp on what needs to be done in areas that she works. They will be lucky to have her...and maybe she'll move to Chi-town so we can watch Grey's together!! They do have offices here, ya know!!

Off for a wee bit of a nap before Tony comes over.

I believe . . . that we don't have to change friends if we understand that friends change.
I believe . . . that no matter how good a friend is, they're going to hurt you every once in a while and you must forgive them for that.
I believe . . . that true friendship continues to grow, even over the longest distance. Same goes for true love.
I believe . . . that you can do something in an instant that will give you heartache for life.
I believe . . . that it's taking me a long time to become the person I want to be.
I believe . . . that you should always leave loved ones with loving words. It may be the last time you see them.
I believe . . . that you can keep going long after you can't.
I believe . . . that we are responsible for what we do, no matter how we feel.
I believe . . . that either you control your attitude or it controls you.
I believe . . . that regardless of how hot and steamy a relationship is at first, the passion fades and there had better be something else to take its place.
I believe . . . that heroes are the people who do what has to be done when it needs to be done, regardless of the consequences.
I believe . . . that money is a lousy way of keeping score.
I believe . . . that my best friend and I can do anything or nothing and have the best time.
I believe . . . that sometimes the people you expect to kick you when you're down, will be the ones to help you get back up.
I believe . . . that sometimes when I'm angry I have the right to be angry, but that doesn't give me the right to be cruel.
I believe . . . that just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have.
I believe . . . that maturity has more to do with what types of experiences you've had and what you've learned from them and less to do with how many birthdays you've celebrated.
I believe . . . that it isn't always enough to be forgiven by others. Sometimes you have to learn to forgive yourself.
I believe . . . That no matter how bad your heart is broken the world doesn't stop for your grief. I believe . . . that our background and circumstances may have influenced who we are, but we are responsible for who we become.
I believe . . . that just because two people argue, it doesn't mean they don't love each other And just because they don't argue, it doesn't mean they do.
I believe . . . That you shouldn't be so eager to find out a secret. It could change your life forever. I believe . . . that two people can look at the exact same thing and see something totally different.
I believe . . . That your life can be changed in a matter of hours by people who don't even know you.
I believe . . . That even when you think you have no more to give, when a friend cries out to you, you will find the strength to help.
I believe . . . that credentials on the wall do not make you a decent human being.
I believe . . . that the people you care about most in life are taken from you too soon.

I really can't add to this little gem that a friend of mine passed on...and it's been a long few days. My father in law is doing better, slowly but surely. Hopefully, he'll only have a feeding tube for a few days...and he's sitting up more and more each day. He's been moved to intermediate care. And again I"m surprised at those who voiced concern, and those who didn't. Thank God for the ones who did...it has carried us these last 5 days...

The last two days

have been so long, and exhausting, and I have a new appreciation for people who stay home in the crises and hold down the fort. That's just as hard and more lonely, I think. Phil seems to be stabilizing, and although he'll be in CCU for a few more days, the staff is very happy with his progress and we are trusting them. Poor Paul...just learning to VOICE his emotions and not very well most of the time, and then he's dealing with this. I'm sure God's got a great plan to grow him through this, and I just want to be a supportive wife through it all. Knowing first hand what strokes can do and how it feels as a child of a stroke survivor, I am reminded of Rich's comment "there's a reason God healed you first". I hope I can be faithful to that reason in the coming days.
Easter is tomorrow...and this season when everyone is all about spring and flowers and jelly beans, I am remember MY dad. In the Catholic church, it is a 3 day holy day of Holy Thursday, Good Friday, Holy Saturday and Easter morning. I loved those celebrations/remembrances ...especially at St. Johns. Everything seems to have more meaning there...but that's probably more on me than the particular church, although it was a great church. Anyway, it was my dad's favorite time of the church year, and mine too. A perfect little encapsulation of Christ's life here on earth...service and communion on Thursday, suffering and death for our sins on Friday, silence in the dark, waiting...and then bursts forth our resurrected Lord...conquering death and darkness...and bringing with Him new life...Saturday service starts in the dark, with everyone holding candles, as the scripture is read: Genesis, Exodus, Isaiah, Micah, etc. It changes each year, but the same story is told: creation, man's fall, Israel's coming to be and some details of that (depending on the year), John the Baptist, Jesus and His teaching, death and resurrection. It's very moving for me and I usually bawl all the way through it...just overcome with the love that God has poured over, and continues to pour over us. And then the people who have been studying to enter the church are baptised, given first communion and confirmation...
My dad loved it, and so do I. It's about the only thing I really miss about the Catholic church... but mostly I miss my dad...his voice and his Old Spice after shave, his silly half "shit eating" grin, his books piled by the chair and his hair which never seemed to know where to lay. I know he is celebrating Easter in heaven with his parents and brother, and what a celebration that must be. But for today, I miss him...and pray that Paul doesn't have to miss his dad for years to come!!

life's unexpected turns

yesterday morning I was going to post a little rant about Gina Glockson getting kicked off American Idol...in fact, I sat down to do it when the phone rang. It was Paul calling from work ,which was weird since he literally had just left from lunch...his dad had a stroke and they were airlifting him to Peoria. He had no function on his left side, but was alert and coherent. Suddenly, nothing of what was on my plate for the day had any relevance at all. It's hard to concentrate, even on praying, when someone you love to death is in critical condition. Today brings good news...he has movement in his leg and arm, and is talking. His speech is like he has Novocaine, but most of the time it's intelligible. God is so good...and amazing. You know there's a drug they can give you within 6 hours of a stroke that reverses its affect? They couldn't get to the clot in his brain, but it's pretty far out in his brain, which is a good thing. Please pray for my in laws, Mary and Phil, and their kids, grandkids and the doctors that will be caring for him. Phil is a big ole' guy...way bigger than Paul. He's active and funny and kind..and loves to eat. My prayer for today is that he will pass the swallow test that will show that he won't need a feeding tube...been there done that with my dad...don't want that for Phil...

there is nothing better...

than an old friend, even when she has to leave again...sigh.

Judy left yesterday and honestly, I was just too sad to even say it outloud (or out-monitor). We grabbed a quick cuppa...at STARBUCKS of all places. They have the coolest cups and mugs!! But still...they mostly serve coffee...and I guessed by the name "macchiato" that Judy would like it and it's her fave drink!! Who knew???

Then trying to get a good picture, in the land of "big heads" as she put it..well, that was a bit challenging!!!

And where did spring go? I'm back to a cold neck and drinking tea all day to stay warm...well, really, I crawled into bed and took a little nappy-poo under my blanket...Cassie's not the only one who loves a nice, soft blanket! Blanket lovers of the world UNITE!!!

And...what is it with us/we women who have a need to compare ourselves unfavorably to every other estrogen totin' person on the planet? Her kids are more well behaved, helpful; her house is cleaner, bigger, more organized; Her stomach is flatter, hair shinier, blah blah.

What if we just celebrated the good we have? And quit dismantling the very things that God blessed us with, at the altar of comparison shopping?? So, girlfriends of mine who are reading this, let me tell you something: lean in close, so no one overhears us, closer,

closer...

I am blessed that you are in my life...flabby tummy or not (you probably earned that bearing children who you wouldn't trade for a flat stomach, right)...big house or not (I love my little house but get insecure when having people over)...organized or not. Let's not waste precious time making excuses for not having people into our lives for fear that they will find out our toilets aren't perfectly cleaned, or amazingly decorated, or big. Chances are, whoever you have in your life (me included) really isn't a toilet inspector incognito...Chances are they are funny, honest, remarkable women who want to bask in the shadow of your amazing self, if only for a moment...at least that's why I'd say yes if you invited me over to your less than perfect house to share a moment in time.

Judy and me...in our usual poses...her smirking her "isn't life great smile" and me laughing at something she said...