I seriously need to post here more. I can't seem to find a balance in my life. Either I'm on the computer ALL the time or for no time...
A lot has happened in the last couple of weeks.
My eye has cleared up, but I've been warned. If it recurs I will be tested for all kinds of auto-immune problems, Lupus being the one most mentioned. I have a 50-60% chance of recurrence because of where my eye was affected. At least I'm steroid free now!! And my vision is back to normal. I've had recurring thoughts of the last year "what if I couldn't scrapbook anymore", and I experienced that on a small scale with the scleritis. My eyes were constantly tired and achy, and I spent alot of time in the dark trying to avoid pain. For some, I'm sure, scrapping seems like a fluffy thing. But for me, with no pictures of myself and no stories remembered of my childhood other than being sick as a baby, it's really important the my family has the stories. They can not care, but if they DO want to hear them/read them, at least they are available.
I had a big eye opener about how frustrated and angry I've been this fall, probably this summer, maybe this year. I don't know for how long, but I do know that if I"m punching a door in frustration, it's time to re-evaluate how I'm processing things, who I'm letting close enough to affect me that way, what expectations I have that just aren't realistic no matter HOW much I'd like them to be. So it's been an interesting journey this last month and I"m glad for it. Not that I enjoy acknowledging crappy things about myself (like how far I've gotten away from healthy self-care), but it's the first step in improving things. Sad that my expectation with Paul has to be being ignored, not acknowledged and told I"m wrong when I express my feelings (as in, no you don't feel that way or no, that is not what happened), or it seeming as if he's actually getting it and then completely forgetting the conversation by morning. On the other hand, I have alot of good people in my life, who do listen, respond and remember. So focusing on that, spending as much time with them as I can, learning to rely on my relationship with Christ more and letting go...of alot. It's been hard, but good.
Started working out again...I"m on day 19...I think it might be a habit. I really don't like sweating, but I'm willing to now. And as Cassie said, you may not ever like sweating but you can like what it represents. When did she get so wise? Instead of writing on the calendar when I work out, I went through the month and wrote down my PLAN to work out and then write what I do below it. It's really working...and my legs ache...so I must be doing something right!! LOL
Paul is in CO now, on a 3 day intensive counseling workshop. I don't know if it's going to help. I don't know if he's going to quit again (or not even start), but I do know that the dvd on Intimacy Anorexia was dead on as a description of our life together, and that this is the first time that there's been a name, which means there can be a plan that might work for him. Watching that DVD was literally like watching my life story told by someone else. The guy doing the presentation said at the beginning "Some of you will watch this and say Dr Doug, it's like you have cameras in my house." I rolled my eyes...thinking this is going to be so cheesy. But by about 20 minute into it, I was like "Dr Doug, it's like you have cameras in my house!!" LOL It was empowering to have someone validate what I"m living, to tell me it's ok to be mad, that I have a right to be, and give me ways to deal with it, to tell me I'm not crazy that there is the nice guy Paul who everyone sees and then there's the private Paul that almost no one does. For the first time, I felt like SOMEONE understood. Really understood. So I gave Paul an ultimatum; go on this weekend or get out. I have every realization that Oct 1 looms large, and I absolutely will file on that date (our 1 year separation day) if he doesn't come home and jump in the deep end of recovery. There's a huge part of me that totally thinks that he won't. As in 99%. I can acknowledge the possibility...but it's hard to pump up any hope when there's a 100% failure rate till now.
Gotten ALOT of pressure to have hope in Paul, to bank alot on this week and him coming home changed, but they don't live in my world. They don't know what it's been like and they don't know what it feels like to watch your husband quit, not start, say there is nothing wrong, etc. etc. And I don't want to be bitter about it, but I also can't deny the reality of my marriage. So as much as I'd like to get on the "ignorance is bliss" bandwagon, I'll pass. I think it will be pretty obvious pretty quickly what next 2 weeks will bring. And in the meantime, I'm praying for him. Because more than anything, I'd like to see him healthy, whole, not hiding from his life. Even if it's too late for us, it's not too late for him.
Went to a crop last weekend and scrapped 21 pages...that are still sitting in the folder waiting to be photographed, posted and filed away. One of my projects this weekend.
And then there's my Bears. Obviously the whole family has gotten in the mood, well, except that boy who won't give in. But Ronnie is!! He was so funny...his little outfit is SLICK so he had a hard time crawling. Eventually the matching sweatpants were abandoned for the ability to crawl. But we taught him to cheer...so he's all good!!
It was really fun to watch the game with Cassie. She NEVER watched with me when she was home, and we REALLY get into it.
Hopefully it won't be another 2 weeks before I post....