Offhand comments

often get me to thinking...and here's the latest one that made me STOP in my tracks and think back..."I can't believe it's been almost two years", Paul says in referring to his "clean days". To which, being in a crappy mood and ticked at him, I respond "Uh, more like 6 months Paul. It was AUGUST". End of conversation. Total silence. Walls up and cemented in place.

But two years...let's see. Cassie was just shy of 17, in fact 5 days shy to be exact. She had yet to meet Chris, and although I know she lied to us before she met him, in the two years since she brought it to a level of professionalism and polish. And, I'm quite sure, she lied to herself countless times since. She was working on karate/self defense and showing quite a gift for it; as well as writing and singing. She was headed to college, wanting to be a journalist or forensic scientist. She had dreams that she vebalized often. She also was increasingly distant with the family as a unit, although we had great conversations on a regular basis. Still, the the two years since, I've often wondered how many were real and how many were what she wanted me to hear. A question I doubt will ever really be answered in my head. She has moved out, learned what all that entails and is planning a wedding that almost every single person we know is gravely concerned about. She has learned to live in the grey of life, is beginning to exercise, and is finding out just how boring a stay at home wife's life can be. Sigh. She says she's happy and that this is how she wants to be.

Joseph was still in his "little boy" phase, still playing with legos sometimes and outside alot. He looked like a little boy, with proportions to match. Frustrated him to the nth degree. His voice hadn't changed yet, and was struggling with who he was in his circle of friends, not seeming to have an identity of his own, but borrowing whoever he was with at the time. Scottberg had just left FAOG and he was pretty heartbroken about that. He was very much a ship with a small sail, but in these last two years, he has learned alot. He's grown from a boy into a boy-man, emphasis on man. He's conquered some things in his personal life that adults get stuck on. He's developed some great relationships with new friends and left most of his old friends to the fringe of his life, as difficult as that was at the time. He's learned to hate math and verbalize it regularly!! He's started to shave and regularly tells people (Paul and I to be sure) exactly what he thinks and has started to separate loving someone from liking what they do. He has learned to accept people for who they are and still acknowledge that who they are hurts him and disappoints him sometimes.

Paul is substantially clean for 2 years, something he couldn't even imagine on 3/19/05. Wasn't sure he wanted to be, but knew it was his addiction or his family. Didn't know WHO he was without his addiction...or how he'd cope with life without it. But cope he has...and he's found out he's a guy with emotions that he denied for our entire life together, and that he has great difficulty expressing them. He's found out that it's hard work to be an adult without addiction to salve his wounded soul, and sometimes even does some recovery work to realize that he CAN be a much healthier guy when he does the work. He's beginning to accept his family of origin for who they are and how they relate, and even sees his part in some of it. He's two years into a recovery group that invites him into growth. He's learning how to be a friend, to give and take support. He's a better father than he was two years ago...and I think a better uncle.

So...in two years, where have I grown??? or changed??? I'm not the angry, hurt woman I was two years ago. I've learned I can forgive what I thought was unforgivable. I've learned not to expect things from another person just because they live with you. I've learned that we all have our wounds and unfortunately, the wounds cause us to wound others. I've learned to trust God in a whole 'nother dimension...to trust him with my broken heart again and again, to trust him with my husband's mental health and our marriage; to trust him with Cassie and her life decisions, Joseph and his broken, disappointed heart. I've learned to trust him for the income we need to make up with Paul's side jobs gone, and trust him to show me what I need to know in my life. I've had my two best friends move, and survived. It's a struggle to maintain those relationships, and I'm learning how to do that with grace. I'm more patient than I used to be and alot less opinionated. I've learned that my brother isn't all that interested in being in a relationship with me or my family. I've grown EVEN closer to M&M, and count each exchange as a gift. I've made new friends who I ADORE and laugh with and cry with and process with. I'm more able to slow down and struggle with depression more than I ever have.

I work out regularly now...a lesson from these last 2 years that physical activity has a way of healing my soul. I scrapbook regularly too...looking back on memories and laughing while building new ones...celebrating every day moments...relationships.

I've learned to believe people when they say I"m strong or a woman of faith, realizing that I may never believe that for myself, but that doesn't make it a lie.

I'm soooo different, with scars that will always be there. I don't know where my marriage or my kids or my health or my loved ones will be two years from now...but it's been a long and difficult trek through these last two years. I don't know that I can honestly say I'm glad for them, but I'm glad for the RESULT of them...in my personal growth, in relationships born and brought back. I've got many things to be thankful for these last two years...so I guess I agree with Paul, "I can't believe it's been two years"...