unconditional love

Many human beings say "I love you" one day and reject you the next. That is not love. One whose heart is filled with the love of God cannot willfully hurt anyone. When you love God without reservation, He fills your heart with His unconditional love for all. That love no human tongue can describe....The ordinary man is incapable of loving others in this way. Self-centered in the consciousness of "I, me, and mine," he has not yet discovered the omnipresent God who resides in him and in all other beings.


This quote made me pause for thought this afternoon. After really struggling with depression and feeling lonely for this last week, and finding myself crying Saturday for the first time in a long time, and then Cassie announcing that she is moving her wedding date up AND that she's not sure she wants to marry Chris, I have spent some time thinking about love and what it means...what it calls me to be; requires of my time and heart; and how I meet the standards of a Christian woman wanting to "represent" in the world. I know I cannot love as I should without God's help. I am a selfish, self centered, scared to be hurt woman who bears too many scars on her soul, put there "in the name of love". Cruel words, stated as "I hope you accept my words as a gift", being told to not get too full of myself to the point of me struggling with being confident at all, being told "I wish you were never born"...man. That takes a sledge hammer to the whole concept of love and how to act on it. But when I love well, when I allow God to ooze out my pores, when I look to others for what I can offer them instead of what they can give me, well...that is a whole different story. THEN I can touch the edges of this idea of unconditional love. So I guess, the question to ask myself when I fail at this love this, is "WHAT IS STOPPING ME FROM LOVING GOD UNCONDITIONALLY????" and then taking that to thought and prayer and moving toward that omnipresent love that CAN ooze from my pores...not for my benefit (although I certainly DO), ,but for the benefit of those I say I love so much.

Who do I love most unconditionally? My kids. without a doubt form the moment I knew they existed, they have been the best and hardest work of my life. They light my day and haunt my nights. They are the best and worst of me. They, shining for the world to see, are the continuation of tea parties, and snuggling/reading in our waterbed, precious memories that are shared with no one. Silly traditions and dreams. They are faith come alive...faith in the future and in love and in the belief that tomorrow can be a better day. They challenge me on who i SAY I am versus who I REALLY am. I am a better person for loving them. for setting my selfish heart to the side to revel in their sweet baby kisses, their toddler sweat (and Cassie's wild hair), their questions and wonderings and growing up. I am amazed. And it doesn't matter if they do anything GREAT in life, or accomplish anything the world recognizes as valuable. They did one amazing thing...they created a mother in me.
I love my nieces and nephews in the same way... they make me laugh, cry. They make me wonder what the world will be like for them...what their children will be like, if their futures plans will pan out to resemble at ALL what they think it will. What will their faith grow to be? What will challenge it...will they stay close or travel far? Do they know what an impact they have made on my life and my soul? How blessed I am to spend summers and weekends and holidays with them. To have travel memories, both literally and figuratively? My best memories, without a doubt are with my family around.

I love my sibs unconditionally...I've been disappointed, for sure, and hurt. But they are the rock on which my memories are built. They are my history. The DNA of my personality and dreams and nightmares. We walked together through soooo many things. We are all so different, but we are still the Hanlini's!!

I love Paul unconditionally. Doesn't mean I didn't wish he'd grow healthier. But not for me to gain (I certainly wouldn't walk away from THAT prospect), but for his own PASSION for life to grow, for his FAITH TO BE real, and deep and amazing. For our kids...to see their dad at his best and brightest, each day better than before. So he can set aside those gaping wounds in his soul and allow them to be healed by God...and then see the sweet result of what He can do with those scars...the miracles He brings to us to show us how He uses our pain for His gain. WOOHOO!!!

My girlfriends...man, we have shared some butt ugly truths about ourselves and they still love me. What a blessing. Thanks Judy...for listening to my sorrow and understanding; Dana...for challenging me to be a better wife; and Lynda...for giving me a gift just when I longed to feel thought of...

And the flip side...who do I think loves me unconditionally...well. God. My grandma did. Her hugs were like balm to my soul. Judy Dori, Kimberlee, Dana, Lynda, Melissa, Sherrie. I think they do. I am a blessed woman. Paul does.

Everyone needs twelve hugs a day for optimal physical and emotional health. Bear hugs are especially good for relieving stress and tension. I'd give anything to hug today, 12 times at least:

Cassie, my dad, grandma, Meliss, Meesh, Judy, Dor. Yep. Cyber-hugs and God-hugs sent to you in my thought and hearts.

Heart of a woman

HEART OF A WOMAN
They smile when they want to scream.
They sing when they want to cry.
They cry when they are happy and laugh when they are nervous.
They fight for what they believe in.
They stand up against injustice.
They don't take "no" for an answer when they believe there is a better solution.
They go without new shoes so their children can have them.
They go to the doctor with a frightened friend.
They love unconditionally.
They cry when their children excel and cheer when their friends get awards.
They are happy when they hear about a birth or a new marriage.
Their hearts break when a friend dies.
They have sorrow at the loss of a family member, yet they are strong when they think there is no strength left.
They know that a hug and a kiss can heal a broken heart.
Women come in all sizes, in all colors and shapes.
They'll drive, fly, walk, run or e-mail you to show how much they care about you.
The heart of a woman is what makes the world spin!
Women do more than just give birth.
They bring joy and hope.
They give compassion and ideals.
They give moral support to their family and friends.
Women have a lot to say and a lot to give.

HOw's that for a rallying cry??? Im glad there are women in the world...and Im glad I'm a woman. Well, except for those occasions when it would be beneficial to void standing up on the side of the road, but I still don't know if I could do that even if I COULD do that. LIke I want anyone seeing my patootie.

Ok, week 6 of my big fitness plan has brought me 3 less inches to love!! Only 3 lbs lost in all that time, and none in almost a month, but maybe I'm building some hot muscles!! BWAHAHAHAHA!!

Crappy weekend...no humor in it. Meliss didn't do so well on her GMAT, but there's still one piece left to be evaluated. Paul and I did NOT see eye to eye about much and lots of ugly conversations. Ugh. I just don't know what to do at this point, but I'm going to keep moving forward with my life and health building sutff, and hopefully he'll get it someday. Hard to love somone who is such a mess most of the time. Says he can't listen to my stuff/concerns/etc. because it makes him feel ashamed. So I just listen to him and help him process his stuff and 2 years later, I"m sill bringing it to God because Paul can't deal with the fall out of what choices he made. Sigh. I"m going back and reading that woman thing again!!

My five:
reading a book that Dana suggested and I had tried; I really like it this time!!
my treadmill...will be great training on my couch to 5k attempts!!
pumpkin pie spice creamer and the gal who told me I could freeze it for later in the year!!
talked to Cassie yesterday...she wants to go to the women's conference
our shiny new garbage disposal!!

what a day!!

So I went to my fabulous bible study on Thursday...seriously, I love those ladies. We started a new round of it and 4 new people came. It was really great. Everyone has such a different perspective on things, to hear someone else's thoughts just triggers my inner thinker!!
Of course, it's Sherrie's birthday so we have lots of yummies to share...and Melissa's pumpkin swirl cheesecake is fabulous...two pieces please!!
We stayed talking till 3:00. The first time I looked at the clock, it was 1:00. It's nice to be able to do gut level sharing about what's going on and know it will stay in those 4 walls...but it was hard to hear what's happening in some other people's hearts. Gotta keep it in prayer and not in the gossip mill...
I realized that I hadn't done my homework for my Saturday morning marriage class, so that set off a little panic. But doing it at the hour of the day wasn't going to work!!
Woke up sick...lack of sleep does that to me; eating delicious high fat food does that to me; hanging out with Sherrie last weekend might have meant it was the flu. Either way...I didn't feel good till 7:00 Friday night. At which point ,Paul and I go to the mall to do some walking.
We ran into Miguel, Maria and Juan from St John's. that was such a blessing. I miss those guys so much and they are all such great people. I thought I was over the whole "I love youth ministry" thing, but its just been dormant. I literally walked away with the biggest smile and was just HAPPY!!

St Johns had such an amazing lifelong affect on who I am and who I know God to be...I don't think, before these last two years, I've ever grown as much as I had there. I still miss some of hte people there, and to quote Ed Shea, "It takes a minute to have a crush on someone, an hour to like someone, and a day to love someone - but it takes a lifetime to forget someone." I will never forget my time at St John's, or the people there, the lessons learned, and how blessed I was then...I loved every minute of working with the youth group. ANd I have never, to this day, been as challenged as I was then.
Meliss takes the GMAT today...and I don't care what she says, Grey's was not totally stupid. I love the layers that were revealed about the different characters. I loved how Cristina finally stepped into being a friend; I love how much you can SEE the love the Derek feels for Meredith. TV show or not, there are an awful lot of life lessons there: We impact each other's lives profoundly. When we are hanging on by a thread, it's the people in our lives that weave the broken pieces back together (hopefully with God's blue print and not their own). Our wounded hearts and how we act that wound out does show up elsewhere. Like, look at how hard it is for Cristina to be a friend...to stand with them through the tough times...because she's still a little bit of that 9 year old girl who watched her father die. And love is an amazing thing...we should never miss an opportunity to tell those we love/respect/care about that they are anything BUT ordinary... Great writing...chew on THAT awhile!!
My five for today:
marriage class...it makes me think
Sherrie and Scott...their birthdays this week gave me opportunity to think about their blessing in my life
Cassie's email...maybe we can hook up this week
Melissa and our gigglefest...we sure can make each other laugh!!
seeing the McYouth kids at the mall...

defeated technology...

well, we needed a new router. Knew we did. Put it off as long as possible. But finally got it, and then took forever to install it. Joseph tried; couldn't do it (and got quite the attitude about it). I tried; side stepped the wizard that wasn't working anyway, but it wouldn't recognize the info from our computer. Step in PAUL, the least techno-geek person I know. Seriously. Can barely do email and has just conquered the web for car stuff in the last 6 months. He flips over the router and say "did you try netgear.net instead of netgear.com?" BAM!! Instant fix. Oh the joy!! The relief!! The loss of a son...to Gears of War. Well, you can't win them all!!

Worked my booty off (sadly, only symbolically) yesterday. Walked with Melissa C (that girl can MOVE), did my pilates tape (I'm getting closer to a roll up...woohooo!), did my 40 minutes on the bike (sweating, sweating...no glistening/glowing here!) and did my PT/weight training exercises while watching American Idol. Incidentally, I want the girl from Naperville to win. She's got edge. I like that. But there was that kid who did Tracie Chapman song, and I loved her voice. Joseph always comes up with these weird insights...as I was giving him my two second impression of all the girls, he's like "hey...you don't like any of the white girls"...until I got to the Naperville chick. But she's so bluesy...I guess I just like SOUL, in music an din people. Stay tuned for his next weird insight (his last one was, "All those women who age well are not married")

Quote of the day

“Unless we can hear each other singing and crying, unless we can comfort each other's failures and cheer each other's victories, we are missing out on the best that life has to offer. The only real action takes place on the bridge between people.”

Isn't that the truth??? We all are so busy pretending to have it all together, we forget that it's only when we drop our masks, dare to run into someone on a bridge, that we are truly intimate. Judy is seeing that BIG time in Seattle...everyone is a little too perfect, their marriages a little too wonderful, their kids a little tooo...well...tooooo much!! There's alot of loneliness in living with people who hide themselves... and then an invitation to insecurity (as in, what the heck is wrong with me to feel these thing/struggle with this, if no one else does???). But that is just a freakin' lie. We all struggle...we all have our stuff. Just some of us are better at identifying it and dealing with it than to need to hide it. I for one, am happy to drop my mask (not like it was ever on very straight anyway). I WANT to, LONG to, NEED to, see people int heir laughing and singing and crying. I have this inner radar for wanting to be with others in their failures and victories... and sometimes it's painful. So many people want to hide behind this mask of perfection and independence...to not get to the heart of things. To me that is just a wasted time, wasted life moments. I used to be so upset that people do things to check it off the list (ie, gifts that are meaningless, gatherings without heart, etc). But now I realize it's their problem, not mine. Their loss. God has blessed me with lots of heart sharing people in my life...and I count each one as precious!! I hope I can continue to invest in the lives of those people who want to be intimate and real and not a cut out version of a woman/friend/christian.

So...Meliss is loving her new internship and I"m loving that she is so excited about it...now to get over the GMAT this weekend...and the whole knee thing...the amazing thing is they actually made her take a drug test. I don't KNOW ANYBODY that has had to have one... or any one that talked about it...

Grey's tonight...watch. Meredith is NOT dead. My little prediction toward making the world a better place. LOL

Here's my 5 happy thoughts for today:

Sherrie is picking up my bread, so I don't have to!! WOOHOOO!!

Victoriously Frazzled picks up again...I've missed it

Strawberry tea from Teavana. Yummm....

The cold is supposed to be over and that means spring is NEAR!!!!

I'm below 37% body fat (36.9 and dropping) I don't know what a good % is, but I"m pretty sure over 1/3 of my body being FAT is not it...

I had been typing

for 30 minutes when my freakin' computer ate my blog. Oh the pain...the pain...

In a much less funny nutshell, I realize I"m a dork. Seriously...without hope...dork. I dropped dinner about5 times last night, after I launched the cinnamon from the cupboard into the blender full of faux white sauce. Then splotted my moisturizer all over myself, then dropped my mascara wand on my face (am I the ONLY one who does this????). Finally, spray creamer all over the stove that got cleaned 57 times last night due to my dorkiness. Sheesh.. Just tell me you have days like this....

Here's a quote for ya:

"Few things in the world are more powerful than a positive push. A smile. A word of optimism and hope. A 'you can do it' when things are tough." -Richard DeVos

What if we all lived that? I found this list...look at all the ways we can build each other up!!! I've highlighted the ones I need to work on...

1. Give encouragement

2. Express thanks ( I think I"m pretty good at this!!)

3. Acknowledge others ( I hate it when I'm not acknowledged and Jodi Weller tells me I do it...)

4. Extend greetings (so...I'll be doing this a lot more...even though I thought I was, I need to work on it apparently and get out my head)

5. Give a compliment (ok, I do this a lot too...I hope people learn to just say "thank you")

6. Congratulate someone (not a lot of occasion for this, but I think I do it in the form of "WOW!! That's great...exciting, fabuloso, whatever)

7. Teach, give instructions (does Joseph count???)

8. Offer words of comfort (I realized how precious these are when my dad got sick...)

9. Inspire others (but how does one inspire others???)

10. Celebrate and cheer (oh yeah...I'm the queen of let's celebrate or drown our sorrows in chocolate)

11. Inquire, express interest (I wish I could remember details better than I do...can I write them down???)

12. Mend relationships (I do what I can, but it IS a two way street)

13. Make others laugh (laugh at me or with me?? I do laugh alot I think, so I'm going with I"m doing this OK)

14. Show faith and trust (this is brutally hard for me...)

15. Share good news (burn the phone up when there's something good to share!!)

16. Praise, honor, build up (do I???)

17. Express caring (cards, emails, phone calls, gifts. I think I'm pretty good at this)

18. Show understanding and empathy (I hear this is one of my strengths)

19. Give approval (How's this work??? I give Joseph approval alot...but is this like "I think you're dong a great job, or you are on the right track???)

20. Extend an invitation (heck yes...tea, Panera, Italian night)

21. Show courtesy and respect (I think it is painfully obvious when I don't respect someone. I do, however, show courtesy a lot)

22. Give advice and counsel (Kimberlee thinks I do this alot!! "you know what you should do...")

23. Apologize (I suck at this...it's a big thorn in my side)

24. Forgive (I've had more than my share of practice and I think I"m good at it!!)

25. Offer to help (yes, but then sometimes I regret offering!! LOL)

26. Tell the truth (I HATE PEOPLE WHO LIE!! So I tell the truth...)

27. Point out the good (I'm told I do this well, so I guess so)

28. Use terms of affection (which shall remain private, since I value my life)

29. Provide valuable information (not sure I do this...unless it's about organizing or chilling about what your babies/toddlers are doing)

30. Communicate love (to some this is very easy, to others, sooooo difficult)

Well, I have my work cut out for me...because I do want to be a positive influence on the world. I want people to say behind my back things like "She's nice; I can tell she's a Christian", I like spending time with her; she lifts me up."

one little day at a time...

And...my parting thought...for crying out loud! I dropped my towel IN THE TOILET!!! Now, seriously, I couldn't do that if I tried...but there it was, dripping disgusting (really, how clean IS toilet water,even if no one has voided in there???) water all over my rug...so now, on Wednesday, my normal lazy day, I"m washing clothes....Just in case up till now you were thinking "well, she's not THAT much of a dork..."

a day off school means a day

behind the wheel!! I know I'm in the waning days of driving Joseph places, or if he had his way, letting him drive and me ride shotgun (not that brave yet!!). And I do love having him "trapped" because he talks and talks and talks. Seriously, yesterday I was in the car from 12:45-4:00. And I'll do it again Friday I think. He's a great kid...and I'll miss it when I don't drive him places. He's been going through such a tough time, with Cassie setting her wedding date and what's going on in church....I think I need to remind him:

Light Will Always Outshine the dark....
I remember back when the dinosaurs roamed and I was directing Vacation Bible School and we used to sing this song: "this little light of mine" and then again when I was doing youth ministry and we'd sit in a perfectly dark, pitch black room on a night where there was no moon (yes,I can plan things well!!) and light a single votive candle. And the room had light...and our eyes adjusted and we could see... even how all of that black darkness surrounding the candle could NEVER, EVER put that light out….

So why is it that I forget that lesson when I"m drowning in circumstances or my kids are struggling? WHYWHYWHYWHYWHYWHYWHYWHYWHYW???If I trust God for me...why do I question him for others???

“No amount of darkness can put out even the tiniest light.”
But, no matter what….no matter HOW BIG THE DARKNESS….the tiniest light can overcome it….THE TINIEST…and sometimes, all we have is a tiny little light.
But, the darkness sometimes makes us feel like it’s too big and powerful for our tiny little light to ever make a difference. DON’T EVER LET the darkness fool you….because, what I know for sure is that WE ALL have a light…sometimes it’s bright and sometimes it’s dim…and brightening it is only a prayer away, always…but, no matter what, we’ve always got some, and it’s always more powerful than the darkness.

I know your darkness is different than mine…and your friend’s is different than yours….but, what we all have in common is that we can all overcome it with our light.
“To be a star, you must shine your own light, follow your own path, and don't worry about the darkness, for that is when the stars shine brightest”

And sometimes, just sometimes, we are blessed to be able to lean over to someone's dim candle and join flames so that both our candles are brighter for the intimacy of shared hope.

That's what I want to pass on to Joseph in this difficult time. That's what I want to do...to lean over and touch my candle to his...and we will stand together against the dark just a little brighter than we were before. And what if we all did that? Just stood together with our little bitty candle flames...wouldn't we light the whole situation? ANd maybe build a bonfire? Wouldn't we????

My five things:

trying on clothes at home (I don't care if I have to return things. It just makes me happy)

a sweet note left by my husband this morning (You are and look amazing). Bless his failing eyes

working out and sweating...just makes me thankful for those bad shoulders getting better

this blog...a place to think things out and put a voice to ideas I'd probably never share

my sissy stopping by last night. She makes me laugh.

All of it is ordinary to everyone but me.

This was a quote sent to my email box and it really reflects how I feel. It IS ordinary to enjoy being with Paul...but not to me. To me it is a miracle that God keeps working on us, keeps bringing Paul to a new level (if he would only STAY there), a miracle that after killing my heart again, I can forgive him...

It's ordinary to smell steaks cooking and baked potatoes baking, but that means another family dinner with maybe even Theresa joining us...which make is special to me.

This morning, a day off school, so Joseph climbs into bed in his smelly sweats and we talk for an hour...and every time he does it (once in a bluuuuuuue moon), I think "this is the last time". Anything but ordinary.

The car is clean again...thank GOD for car washes...ordinary to the 3000 people in line in front of me, but a delight when I got out of the car and remembered it was BLUE!! Not white, not grey. A beautiful, sparkly with glitter in the paint, blue. And I love my car. But to everyone else, it was just a clean car!!

Sunday, just an ordinary small group meeting....but not to me!! I was literally overcome twice, with tears (it's embarrassing, but HEY!! It's me) Once when we were discussing ISA 53, and pondering how much God love ME...ME...Me...me. That he knows the hairs on my head, that he knows the dreams of my hearts, how to fix my heartbreak, what I struggle with. He knows it all, all my ugliness and hateful thoughts, my difficulty in forgiving others, and loves me. Delights in me. Itches to spend time with me (or really, for me to show up at his heavenly throne). He wants to spend every spare moment I have with HIM like I do with the girlies and Joseph. He considers me a friend...waits for me to talk to him like I talk to my closest friend. He paints sunsets for ME to see...no other reason. He sent his son to die for me...so I'd know the freedom of forgiveness...yeah. Pretty overwhelming. Anything but ordinary to me.

And then...we did this cold water baptism thing with our hands and speaking a blessing to our spouses. And I was able to remind Paul of his value in God's eyes...regardless of what anyone tells him (me included.) He is adored by God...forgiven and precious. He is delighted in. Tears running down my cheeks...that I would have the honor of what was a sacred moment...to share that with Paul, the person who hurt me the most deeply in life...and mean it...that God sees him that way and allowed me to. Yeah. Nothing ordinary there. Profound. Amazing. Just some ordinary water and whispered words.

And God knitting this friendship in the after moments of small group. Not ordinary to me. A desire of my heart...for sure...and I'm thankful to be along for the journey...

Finally...an ordinary Saturday for EVERYONE BUT ME!! I had my first paying client for my organizing business. I loved it...had so much fun. Came home so energized. I LOVE LIVE LOVE it!! Thanks to my first, nameless client. I got a router and a toaster oven that works!! And still had money left over!!