We're a schitzophrenic state...

we elect a president and have a huge rally...and then less than a month later our governor gets arrested ARRESTED, led away in handcuffs, for corruption and extortion. I've lived with Chicago politics my entire adult life, mostly as a joke, but seeing the waste and the (IMHO) misguided priorities, but HONESTLY. How do you get a 13% approval rating? And then be arrogant enough to challenge people to wiretap you...while extorting Children's Memorial, while putting a senate seat up for bid, while blackmailing the Tribune company to fire people...and then show up at a sit in for laid off workers?? I can only hope he gets pushed out of office. Imagine what he would have tried to do with the olympics!! Ugh. Hopefully now we'll have an HONEST governor. We've had one in my entire memory of living here. And he'd get re-elected if he ran...but he won't. Sigh.

Got a new phone...the blackberry curve. I give it a 92% approval rating. I like that I can set all my ringtones from the songs I already have on there, that i can use it like an mp3, that i can take LOADS of pictures, that I can set the calendar to do whatever days I want. I don't know that I'm crazy about the phone speaker though. We'll see. I've only talked on it once. It's def. a texting phone!!

And the girls are coming in after alllllllllllllllllllll!! WOOHOOO!!!

Ugh...

people are so damn mean. So busy with other people's lives. So unconcerned about how their toxic shit hurts others. Why is that??? Not that this is directed at me...in fact, it was Joseph and his break up and his ex girlfriend's ANGRY, hateful, mean rip your heart out texts that made me start thinking...then my niece getting WHALED on by an old friend...for something that had nothing to do with her, none of her business and ancient history. Just to stir up trouble. Just to be mean. Vindictive. No purpose. None at all.

It makes me so sad. Why can't we just be nice to each other? What the heck is so hard about that. To respect people as human beings. TO not make sport out of hurting each other or getting revenge, judgment...

Not a good day...dentist bills, tuition mishaps, no good cell phones to buy for replacements. It's cold too. Literally, 2100 out the door in the matter of hours.

I need to just go to bed. Things will be better in the morning, right? Off to a wrestling tournament and some warm cinnamon buns.

On the other hand...my car turned over 100,000 miles...on the way home from a great visit from Cassie's on Tuesday. I love that car. I hope it gets another 100,000 miles. ANd how can you have people like this in your life and stay upset too long? I'm blessed...and my heart aches for my peeps tonight.

Gosh...what to write

Things here are a mixed bag, as usual. It's been a challenging couple of months...and I keep avoiding blogging because I just don't want to put words to paper. So I keep putting food to mouth!! Sheesh!! SO today is the day I rectify both.

Paul and I on his birthday. We went to Portillo's with the youth group kids and Joseph picked him up and brought him there. The kids all sang him happy birthday and he seemed really happy that night.

Ronnie is getting so big...he's cruising around furniture and if he ever decides he can stand on his own, he's going to take off!! He is the funniest kid...so much personality...and is all about the changing of his mind. Up/down/ Cassie/me/ toys/books/ food/food/food. He makes the funniest sounds when he's happy...sort of an asthmatic wheeze. and blows his nose when he's mad. Minus the Kleenex of course. I love how much time I spend with Cassie, how much we talk and laugh and pontificate. Love that Ronnie loves us as much as he does. His little face lights up when he sees us, and he'll spend the evening with us (I think we're the only ones who get long term babysitting without meltdowns) and be fine...but usually cries when Cassie leaves. We just don't let him see her leave...and then it's like a home away from home so he just plays like he would if Cassie were here. He reminds me so much of Joseph as a baby...personality, clinginess, business. Cassie's a really great mom. And her priorities are right where they should be...I admire that she doesn't let others dictate what's important to her.

Ronnie's first thanksgiving. Cassie gave him his food and a spoon, but he preferred the direct method...got food everywhere and was happy as a clam. We were laughing our heads off!!

Joseph is firmly ensconced in college, still procrastinating and will be lucky if he gets a C in math this semester. He doesn't test well, is amazed at what a waste of time class is, and will be paying for half of his math class if he gets a C. He's about to be off again with his girlfriend of off again/on again fame for the 4th time...she's such a nice girl, but they are not a good couple at ALL!!

Here they are singing happy birthday to Paul!

I'm heading out to Seattle again in January...a long weekend crop. Can't wait!!

Paul is doing what he does...quitting his program. Doing part of it. Justifying and getting mad at me when I call him on it. He moved in our bedroom for the first time in a year and promptly quit doing anything related to me...tells me what he's doing that doesn't involve me about once a week. I'm angry, disappointed and not surprised. He slept on the couch last night and will be every night he doesn't do what he committed to doing. 60 days after making promises to me, he's 55 days into breaking them. And yet, something has changed. We rarely fight. I think I just don't care that much anymore. If he wants his solitary life, then he can have it. I guess I've found a way to accept a surface marriage and get most of my relationship needs met elsewhere.

Started another Bible study..on the book of Daniel. I like it alot but it's going pretty slowly. I don't know if I can keep up the slowness of this pace!! LOL That's a new one!!

Adversity and loss

make a man wise....words to remember. I'll skip the wisdom for a while.

It's freakin COLD HERE!! I've got my traditional 2 layers on and am about to pile on a 3rd. And some of the trees are changing colors. I love that. ANd the Bears are playing pretty well. They COULD be undefeated, but they aren't 2-2. That's ok for now...

Been working out for a month now...adding 5 minutes are cardio every other workout, which ends up to be like 2x a week. So I'm up to 30 and will be at 60 by 11/1. Been lifting weights and doing yoga on the opposite days. Only lost 2 lbs but wt loss isn't the only reason I'm doing it anyway. It's just a habit I want to form and not quit. I worked out 5/7 days each week in September. I'm shooting for 6/7 for October.

Going on a marriage retreat this weekend. We'll see how that goes. For today, I'm just doing today...cleaning the house, starting Christmas shopping, doing my bible study tonight and taping the debate to watch after.

I'll post what's happened with Paul some other time...

Someone sent me these questions...
1. Do you ever have 'ghosts from the past' pop their heads in to say hi? Has it happened to you lately? If so, who was it? If not, is there anyone you wish you could find?
~~KInda funny that this was asked because a "ghost" just has been popping up in my life. Not sure what I'm going to do with that but the timing of this question was interesting.

2. What do you think of Facebook? If you're a Facebooker, have you had any contact with long lost friends of the past?
~~I'm sort of a facebooker. I have one so I can be in touch with my nieces for picture purposes but some high school people have found me on it. Nothing has come of it, but they did find me.

3. Pretty much everyone is easily found these days. Do you miss the days of not being able to be found, or do you welcome people finding you? Why/why not?
Depends on the person. Some people I"m genuinely glad to be re-linked to. But one in particular is still so bitter from something that happened like 8 years ago, it just makes me sad. I do like that I can keep my blog private though!!

I seriously need to post here more. I can't seem to find a balance in my life. Either I'm on the computer ALL the time or for no time...

A lot has happened in the last couple of weeks.


My eye has cleared up, but I've been warned. If it recurs I will be tested for all kinds of auto-immune problems, Lupus being the one most mentioned. I have a 50-60% chance of recurrence because of where my eye was affected. At least I'm steroid free now!! And my vision is back to normal. I've had recurring thoughts of the last year "what if I couldn't scrapbook anymore", and I experienced that on a small scale with the scleritis. My eyes were constantly tired and achy, and I spent alot of time in the dark trying to avoid pain. For some, I'm sure, scrapping seems like a fluffy thing. But for me, with no pictures of myself and no stories remembered of my childhood other than being sick as a baby, it's really important the my family has the stories. They can not care, but if they DO want to hear them/read them, at least they are available.


I had a big eye opener about how frustrated and angry I've been this fall, probably this summer, maybe this year. I don't know for how long, but I do know that if I"m punching a door in frustration, it's time to re-evaluate how I'm processing things, who I'm letting close enough to affect me that way, what expectations I have that just aren't realistic no matter HOW much I'd like them to be. So it's been an interesting journey this last month and I"m glad for it. Not that I enjoy acknowledging crappy things about myself (like how far I've gotten away from healthy self-care), but it's the first step in improving things. Sad that my expectation with Paul has to be being ignored, not acknowledged and told I"m wrong when I express my feelings (as in, no you don't feel that way or no, that is not what happened), or it seeming as if he's actually getting it and then completely forgetting the conversation by morning. On the other hand, I have alot of good people in my life, who do listen, respond and remember. So focusing on that, spending as much time with them as I can, learning to rely on my relationship with Christ more and letting go...of alot. It's been hard, but good.


Started working out again...I"m on day 19...I think it might be a habit. I really don't like sweating, but I'm willing to now. And as Cassie said, you may not ever like sweating but you can like what it represents. When did she get so wise? Instead of writing on the calendar when I work out, I went through the month and wrote down my PLAN to work out and then write what I do below it. It's really working...and my legs ache...so I must be doing something right!! LOL


Paul is in CO now, on a 3 day intensive counseling workshop. I don't know if it's going to help. I don't know if he's going to quit again (or not even start), but I do know that the dvd on Intimacy Anorexia was dead on as a description of our life together, and that this is the first time that there's been a name, which means there can be a plan that might work for him. Watching that DVD was literally like watching my life story told by someone else. The guy doing the presentation said at the beginning "Some of you will watch this and say Dr Doug, it's like you have cameras in my house." I rolled my eyes...thinking this is going to be so cheesy. But by about 20 minute into it, I was like "Dr Doug, it's like you have cameras in my house!!" LOL It was empowering to have someone validate what I"m living, to tell me it's ok to be mad, that I have a right to be, and give me ways to deal with it, to tell me I'm not crazy that there is the nice guy Paul who everyone sees and then there's the private Paul that almost no one does. For the first time, I felt like SOMEONE understood. Really understood. So I gave Paul an ultimatum; go on this weekend or get out. I have every realization that Oct 1 looms large, and I absolutely will file on that date (our 1 year separation day) if he doesn't come home and jump in the deep end of recovery. There's a huge part of me that totally thinks that he won't. As in 99%. I can acknowledge the possibility...but it's hard to pump up any hope when there's a 100% failure rate till now.


Gotten ALOT of pressure to have hope in Paul, to bank alot on this week and him coming home changed, but they don't live in my world. They don't know what it's been like and they don't know what it feels like to watch your husband quit, not start, say there is nothing wrong, etc. etc. And I don't want to be bitter about it, but I also can't deny the reality of my marriage. So as much as I'd like to get on the "ignorance is bliss" bandwagon, I'll pass. I think it will be pretty obvious pretty quickly what next 2 weeks will bring. And in the meantime, I'm praying for him. Because more than anything, I'd like to see him healthy, whole, not hiding from his life. Even if it's too late for us, it's not too late for him.




Went to a crop last weekend and scrapped 21 pages...that are still sitting in the folder waiting to be photographed, posted and filed away. One of my projects this weekend.




And then there's my Bears. Obviously the whole family has gotten in the mood, well, except that boy who won't give in. But Ronnie is!! He was so funny...his little outfit is SLICK so he had a hard time crawling. Eventually the matching sweatpants were abandoned for the ability to crawl. But we taught him to cheer...so he's all good!!
It was really fun to watch the game with Cassie. She NEVER watched with me when she was home, and we REALLY get into it.


Hopefully it won't be another 2 weeks before I post....

Look!!

Friday I had my first SS and of course it was fabulous...and came home to a completely delightful surprise of Cassie having the afternoon free. So hanging at the house became my agenda for the day...and being barfed on of course, feeling for new teeth, entertaining a certain 6 month old while talking to Cassie...and taking pictures of COURSE!!






Yes, that's him satnding on his own power. Cassie says he is almsot pulling himself up in the crib!!










And crawling...not in a circle like he's been, but purposefully to get to our drinks for the most part!! LOL







There he is heading to Cassie's taco bell cup.





And his two FRONT teeth came in before his bottoms!! They are bunny teeth...cute as can be and SHARP!!

Weird things that happen to me...

Some layouts I did...Soul sisters year end pix!!





























LOL. Really. I have some random eye condition that is "extremely rare". I thought it was pink eye. Treated it as pink eye. And then it came back. So now I know, thanks to a WONDERFUL humble doctor at Corwin medical who said "I don't think I"m the doctor you need to see" and sent me on to an opthamalogist (late Friday afternoon), that I ahve Schleritis. It's a chronic inflammation of the whites of your eyes. I now have an eyeball on steroids to match the lungs on steroids. And a new opthamalogist who I really, really like. He said I might be able to wear contacts. That's not why I like him, but it's sure a little happy thing to think about!! He put these numbing drops into my eyes, which were wonderful, but dyed my eyeball yellow. So I have ONE eye that's bright red and one that's bright yellow. A little freaky looking, I"m sure. Luckily had my sunglasses on, so no one went running for cover or anything like that!!




And...I found out that John McCain had multiple affairs. He lost my vote with that news. More to follow...on the rest of my life.