I seriously need to post here more. I can't seem to find a balance in my life. Either I'm on the computer ALL the time or for no time...

A lot has happened in the last couple of weeks.


My eye has cleared up, but I've been warned. If it recurs I will be tested for all kinds of auto-immune problems, Lupus being the one most mentioned. I have a 50-60% chance of recurrence because of where my eye was affected. At least I'm steroid free now!! And my vision is back to normal. I've had recurring thoughts of the last year "what if I couldn't scrapbook anymore", and I experienced that on a small scale with the scleritis. My eyes were constantly tired and achy, and I spent alot of time in the dark trying to avoid pain. For some, I'm sure, scrapping seems like a fluffy thing. But for me, with no pictures of myself and no stories remembered of my childhood other than being sick as a baby, it's really important the my family has the stories. They can not care, but if they DO want to hear them/read them, at least they are available.


I had a big eye opener about how frustrated and angry I've been this fall, probably this summer, maybe this year. I don't know for how long, but I do know that if I"m punching a door in frustration, it's time to re-evaluate how I'm processing things, who I'm letting close enough to affect me that way, what expectations I have that just aren't realistic no matter HOW much I'd like them to be. So it's been an interesting journey this last month and I"m glad for it. Not that I enjoy acknowledging crappy things about myself (like how far I've gotten away from healthy self-care), but it's the first step in improving things. Sad that my expectation with Paul has to be being ignored, not acknowledged and told I"m wrong when I express my feelings (as in, no you don't feel that way or no, that is not what happened), or it seeming as if he's actually getting it and then completely forgetting the conversation by morning. On the other hand, I have alot of good people in my life, who do listen, respond and remember. So focusing on that, spending as much time with them as I can, learning to rely on my relationship with Christ more and letting go...of alot. It's been hard, but good.


Started working out again...I"m on day 19...I think it might be a habit. I really don't like sweating, but I'm willing to now. And as Cassie said, you may not ever like sweating but you can like what it represents. When did she get so wise? Instead of writing on the calendar when I work out, I went through the month and wrote down my PLAN to work out and then write what I do below it. It's really working...and my legs ache...so I must be doing something right!! LOL


Paul is in CO now, on a 3 day intensive counseling workshop. I don't know if it's going to help. I don't know if he's going to quit again (or not even start), but I do know that the dvd on Intimacy Anorexia was dead on as a description of our life together, and that this is the first time that there's been a name, which means there can be a plan that might work for him. Watching that DVD was literally like watching my life story told by someone else. The guy doing the presentation said at the beginning "Some of you will watch this and say Dr Doug, it's like you have cameras in my house." I rolled my eyes...thinking this is going to be so cheesy. But by about 20 minute into it, I was like "Dr Doug, it's like you have cameras in my house!!" LOL It was empowering to have someone validate what I"m living, to tell me it's ok to be mad, that I have a right to be, and give me ways to deal with it, to tell me I'm not crazy that there is the nice guy Paul who everyone sees and then there's the private Paul that almost no one does. For the first time, I felt like SOMEONE understood. Really understood. So I gave Paul an ultimatum; go on this weekend or get out. I have every realization that Oct 1 looms large, and I absolutely will file on that date (our 1 year separation day) if he doesn't come home and jump in the deep end of recovery. There's a huge part of me that totally thinks that he won't. As in 99%. I can acknowledge the possibility...but it's hard to pump up any hope when there's a 100% failure rate till now.


Gotten ALOT of pressure to have hope in Paul, to bank alot on this week and him coming home changed, but they don't live in my world. They don't know what it's been like and they don't know what it feels like to watch your husband quit, not start, say there is nothing wrong, etc. etc. And I don't want to be bitter about it, but I also can't deny the reality of my marriage. So as much as I'd like to get on the "ignorance is bliss" bandwagon, I'll pass. I think it will be pretty obvious pretty quickly what next 2 weeks will bring. And in the meantime, I'm praying for him. Because more than anything, I'd like to see him healthy, whole, not hiding from his life. Even if it's too late for us, it's not too late for him.




Went to a crop last weekend and scrapped 21 pages...that are still sitting in the folder waiting to be photographed, posted and filed away. One of my projects this weekend.




And then there's my Bears. Obviously the whole family has gotten in the mood, well, except that boy who won't give in. But Ronnie is!! He was so funny...his little outfit is SLICK so he had a hard time crawling. Eventually the matching sweatpants were abandoned for the ability to crawl. But we taught him to cheer...so he's all good!!
It was really fun to watch the game with Cassie. She NEVER watched with me when she was home, and we REALLY get into it.


Hopefully it won't be another 2 weeks before I post....

Look!!

Friday I had my first SS and of course it was fabulous...and came home to a completely delightful surprise of Cassie having the afternoon free. So hanging at the house became my agenda for the day...and being barfed on of course, feeling for new teeth, entertaining a certain 6 month old while talking to Cassie...and taking pictures of COURSE!!






Yes, that's him satnding on his own power. Cassie says he is almsot pulling himself up in the crib!!










And crawling...not in a circle like he's been, but purposefully to get to our drinks for the most part!! LOL







There he is heading to Cassie's taco bell cup.





And his two FRONT teeth came in before his bottoms!! They are bunny teeth...cute as can be and SHARP!!

Weird things that happen to me...

Some layouts I did...Soul sisters year end pix!!





























LOL. Really. I have some random eye condition that is "extremely rare". I thought it was pink eye. Treated it as pink eye. And then it came back. So now I know, thanks to a WONDERFUL humble doctor at Corwin medical who said "I don't think I"m the doctor you need to see" and sent me on to an opthamalogist (late Friday afternoon), that I ahve Schleritis. It's a chronic inflammation of the whites of your eyes. I now have an eyeball on steroids to match the lungs on steroids. And a new opthamalogist who I really, really like. He said I might be able to wear contacts. That's not why I like him, but it's sure a little happy thing to think about!! He put these numbing drops into my eyes, which were wonderful, but dyed my eyeball yellow. So I have ONE eye that's bright red and one that's bright yellow. A little freaky looking, I"m sure. Luckily had my sunglasses on, so no one went running for cover or anything like that!!




And...I found out that John McCain had multiple affairs. He lost my vote with that news. More to follow...on the rest of my life.

Finally unpacked

from last week's crop (I guess it's almost 2 weeks now), and last weekend's impromptu trip to the scrapbook expo. I decided I was going to do it RIGHT,not just a stash and dash. And so it took longer, but now everything is prepared and ready to be used, away where it belongs.

And not letting the situation with Paul dictate the terms of my life (trying to find my healthy center here!!), I did a nice cleaning on the house, washed the windows, started reading a book on Anger in marriage (seemed appropriate!!) and began exercising again. HELP ME!!! I always quit this and I really need some encouragement on that front!!



I sorted all my layouts (like 100 of them) into the right album. A weekend project is to get them in the page protectors (all of my albums need more inserts!!)







And babysat the little man last night...Cassie and Chris had their first anniversary

some thoughts on IL...

so the challenge here is to take the letters of Illinois and make two lists. One that tells what I love about it and one that I hate about it...here ya go!!

I--I'm totally familiar with it...know where every thing is
L--Leaves changing colors
L--ladies who I admire, laugh with, learn from
I--it's where my family is...mostly
N--Nieces love it here and visit me!!
O--Only Bears fans need apply
I--it was a great place to homeschool my kids
S--seasons...the bulbs popping up in the spring, ice covered trees, fall colors. Ok, I hate summer

I--I hate the cold
L--Loser sports teams are our reputation but it's a LIE!
L--Living so far from M&M, Judy, etc.
I--it would be nice to not have asthmatic attacks
N--neighbors are rude (not in the whole state, I'm just talking about my neighborhood)
O--oppressive traffic. ALWAYS!!
I--income tax going up every darn year
S--squishy. People keep moving here. Developments everywhere

Busy week

with a major storm, asthma, Cassie and Chris dropping by and getting some scrapping done. Feel pretty balanced...now if only I could breathe!!
This was the radar on Monday (I think) night...three tornadoes blew through here, one touched down in Bolingbrook, and dumped a ton of rain. The irony is that it was cooler BEFORE the storm...




He makes the funniest faces...sucking on his gums, looking at us incredulously, and in general showing his really BIG personality!! I pulled out a book for him, Goodnight Moon, which he proceeded to lick, gum, eat, pat and occasionally look at the pictures!
It was a nice surprise on a day I felt physically drained; and I could barely talk!!






My two favorite layouts for the last few days...A couple of pictures I'd had blown up with no real plan except that I liked them alot!!

Emailed the lawyer today

to take the next step toward divorce. Divorcing my childhood sweetheart, the first person I trusted with my family's real picture, the father of my children, breaker of my heart, the single biggest disappointment I have ever dealt with in my life.
There is something particularly crushing about watching someone NOT fight for a relationship, but this is a pain I can't even put into words...the awareness that he'd rather just wait for the end, telling himself that we'll make it through this, then slink off to bed without even saying good night. Would rather work on recovery once a week and say he was doing all he could than face the heartbreak of who he has been and choices he has made and the devastating results of all of that. And then move on.
That for all my fight, for all my passion, for all my love and for all my forgiveness, I couldn't make it work. I couldn't get him to see I needed more than an update on the flooded basement. I needed a man willing to invest in our marriage, our family more than going to work and coming home. That this addiction, as my pastor said, created a hole in him that needs to be filled. And changing to the 4th counselor and reading another book while implementing nothing of it willnot do it.
I don't know how I will get through this...my chest feels like it's going to explode. I can't sleep. I eat, but always feel sick after I do. And after crying for a week, I thought I was done. But he walked away again tonight...has nothing to say on the day I tell him I've taken the next step. I never thought I'd be able to say I love him, hate him and can't be married to hiim any more. My head cant' wrap itself around the contradictions. I stare off into space and realize an hour has gone by again. I've done nothing....lost in my thoughts and shut down.
I wish I had filed three years ago. There was a part of me then that knew he wouldn't fight for us, that we weren't important enough in his life.
I can't believe he really isn't going to do anything but hide and make excuses. How did we get to here? How did he make it ok within him to just quit on us? To let us go through all this pain, for me to walk through the betrayals that I've dealt with and just think things would be ok in the end.
And being the mature person I am, I went through and threw out all the willow tree angels that were couples...and the hugging couple I gave him that's been sitting on his empty nightstand for 9 months. What I wanted to do was chuck them at his head. So I guess just tossing them was an improvement...I can't take one more reminder of what we AREN"T. What we won't be. As he sleeps next door. I cry.