April is winding down

and it would be rumored that spring is here...except we're wearing wool coats and the furnace is running. But the tulips are up and beautiful and that alone makes me happy. These are not the full bloom ones. I need to upload them and post another day.

Went to "The Bucket List" last weekend. The idea is make a list of what you want to do before you die. Other than see Europe, I couldn't think of a thing. Now if the list were who would you want to see before you die, well that would be a different story. But I have no grand dreams that I feel unfulfilled when I think of, so I'll say I'm living my bucket list.

The other thing I'm thinking about...someone asked me a question today: Who would wail at your funeral. Not just say "oh that's sad", but really feel a profound loss regarding your passing. Kevin Leman asked that question at a workshop. Don't know that I know the answer to that. But sure would like to live in a way that left a profound loss in people's life.

Finally...heard about this group, http://www.honorflightchicago.org/ WOW!! I think I found the thing I want to do for my birthday this year. Last year, I wanted to have a party and have donations for charity, like a back to school thing or whatever. That was the whole problem. Lots of needs out there, but none that really made me well up inside. Till this one.

So mark the date...6/21. I'm having a HUGE party for my 45th. I want to have a big family party that people don't want to leave from. Water balloon fights and a bouncy thing, and hot dogs, hamburgers, chicken. Pictures galore and horseshoes and volleyball. The whole thing. And the only requirement is to donate whatever you feel is a good amount to sponsor a vet. I want to go to the local VFW and see if we can something together and literally SPONSOR a vet, knowing the name and face and story of that man or woman.

What do you think????

Thank God for spring!!

Ronnie found his fist this week. It was so funny watching him go from wacking himself randomly, to wacking himself in his eye, ear, then finding his mouth, then finally hitting it the first time.

Finally, the winter coats are gone...and we can actually go out without layers...or even a jacket some days!! WOOHOO!!
I finally scrapped again this weekend...first time in 2 weeks.

Working on an ABC album for the baby...from baby shower till now.

Tax day...

come and gone. And so has the money!! LOL Long, long gone in my case!
So it's been a year since Va Tech; 2 since Cassie took off/moved out. (Depending on who is speaking about it, LOL)
I don't know that I put those two dates together last year.
Looking back, I'm in awe of how God has healed our relationship and knit our hearts together even more than before. She is one of my favorite people, one I laugh with and chat with and do nothing with. And we solve world problems.
If she weren't my daughter, I'd want to be her friend. But I get the best of both worlds...lucky me!!
Today I wke up to the sound of the shower running about 4 hours earlier than usual and suspected that Joseph was called into work. He was. Which would be NO PROBLEM except we were all up until after 2. So He's tired and bored and I'm just tired! LOL
Great day today outside. Sun, warm, wind. Spring is here...the sun is out and so are the swimsuits!! Ugh.
I don't have much on my to-do list except I really need to dust one table and want to wash a couple of windows...the rest of it is the usual stuff.
Seemed like a good day to catch up on my blog again.
My little Mr has not been co-operative of late. So no new pix from his sweet face, but I do have a good one of Cassie and him on my phone...but have to wait till I pay the ransom for the USB cord from Joseph to upload it!! LOL
This weekend, and next, both the guys will be gone for one reason or another (work, retreat, prom, formal) so I'm doing "Ronnie Bear's" newborn album. Which reminds me...I need to get a 5x7 of his bassinette print for the cover page. It's going to be an ABC album..and the cover is "A for adorable"...nice how I don't have to come up with a starting point!! I'll post pix once I get rolling, and also get the camera out of the car.

New pix

and the same old same old. Paul has some big breakthrough at counseling today, calls to leave a message that he's got alot to think and talk about. Then comes home and says I'll talk to you after men's group. No how are you. No "wow this big thing happened and I want to talk to you about it". Nope...a glorified booty call. "when I'm ready to talk, after hanging with these guys I barely know, will you be here?" Not that he actually asked me if I'd be here. Just assumed that I would be. I'm sick of being hurt by the utter unimportance I hold in his life. So I'll say it here instead of to him. Because saying it to him will result in the shut down,deer in the headlights look that I am far too familiar with. Will result in me getting frustrated. Will result in me crying. So I might as well shortcut to the crying and expedite things.

So here's pix of Ronnie...such a funny little guy!!












How precious is this??


It's exhausting being a newborn...

A week of loss...

such a sad week, not only for me (although it is), but for my dear friends. Women who I have been blessed to walk along side for a bit of my life have had to say good-bye to people they love fiercely.
To sit with Judy, oddly juxtaposed with the joy of catching up with a newly red-headed friend, and waiting for her clearly weakened and ill mom's test to be finished. What an unexpected chance to see her...but under such tenuous circumstances...bringing a tea for us to share and laughs and tears...while waiting. Judy's mom, the woman who I asked to be adopted by. A funny, sassy, irreverent truly GOOD woman, is the kind of woman I want to be in my 70's. When Judy asked if she was hungry, Joan answers un unh. Judy decides that yes she is hungry and Joan, sassy and shaking from exhaustion (and probably pain she barely admitted to), looks at me with THAT look and says "didn't I say no?"...smirking. And I agree that I heard a negative response too. To which she says "I thought so!" The world was better for her passing through, better for the strong women she raised and the strong women THEY are raising. For her kindness and undeniable, fierce love of her children, grandchildren, life.
She left life on her terms Sunday, off to see her beloved husband. She will not have another anniversary of his passing, to sit alone and listen to music and have a cry. She is now with him, at rest, leaving us behind to honor her legacy. By loving and laughing and sassing our way through life.
I, for one, want to live up to that challenge. To love fiercely, live fully, to laugh and have a drink to celebrate and remember (I'll skip the cigarettes though). I want to walk in the shadows of a woman like Joan and leave footsteps in her wake; and then when it is my time to pass, I want to have my daughter linger over memories of me and how we talked so often and loved so much.

Evelyn buried her beloved son today. She drove him to work; talked to him of faith and family and his health. And now he's gone, 50 days after his fall. She says we shouldn't bury our children; that it's just wrong. They are all so broken, staring vacantly off and through us at the wake. The evidence of Evelyn and Dale's love for their children is palpable, as is the loss. What to say? I'm so sorry for your loss just seems pale. But in the end, it is true. David was 6 days younger than me; went to bed one night and never woke up. Left a wife who is shell shocked and children who don't seem to get what happened.

Sitting here tonight, in a quiet house, it's dark. I've cried myself out for my friends' loss, co-mingling this week. I don't have words to say that will bring comfort. But tonight, sitting here, I know that I want to live a life with as few regrets as possible. To live a life where those who I love KNOW I love them, admire them, enjoy their company.

I won't have an opportunity to give a last lecture like that guy from Carnegie Mellon (check it out on youtube.) But I have the opportunity to tell the truth, to encourage, to love, to laugh...and to be me. Not an imitation of what people think I should be or what I think they want. Just be me. Loving and laughing and sassing a little along the way.

Even if you're on the right track...

you'll get run over if you just sit there!! LOL I love that Will Rogers quote!!

So here's a great shot of my little man's dimples and him holding his head up. He's so strong...this is early (7 weeks) to be doing THAT!! Isnt' he a cutie patootie?

Paul probably didn't think so as he was having a blow out and decorating not only himself, but the blanket he was on and Paul's jeans...brown. LOL It was perfect timing for me, since I had just handed him over like 3 minutes earlier!! LOL

It's been such an eventful week here!!

Met Dana for lunch. I miss her. It was great talking to her...catching up and laughing at ourselves. Can't wait to see their new house...

We had a reunion with my beloved youth group from St John's. I just love those guys. Seriously. I'm thinking I"ll make it a day before Easter tradition. We had a great time catching up. I was jumping up and down and squealing when some of them showed up...I hadn't seen them in 5 years. They are all grown up now...and doing well. Jose is a college grad; Caroling and Martha are both working and going to school part time; Margie, Flor and Claudia are all full time working women; Victor is a carpenter and Felipe is an architecture student; Cassie and Nydia are both moms full time. I'm proud of them!!

Then Easter here with Cassie and Chris and Ronnie; a ridiculously long egg hunt. Why? Because Joseph had to tell Paul that he was going to hide them this year; that he was done looking. Then changed his mind, said that this would be his last year looking...so Paul was, well, in a word, evil. Joseph spent an hour looking for eggs. AN HOUR!! Went to the point where his basket was hidden THREE TIMES and couldn't find it!! LOL I was laughing my head off.

We celebrated Cassie's bday witha dump cake, but forgot to sing happy birthday. Dopes. She ended up staying when Chris had to leave, so we got to visit longer...it made me happy. It always does. I love our relationship these days.

Then, her actual bday. Met for lunch, did a little shopping and alot of talking and laughing. Just had a great day...

Let's see...then Meesh's bday. Talked to her in her very few spare minutes between class and lectures and birthday dinner.

OMG>>>>In the midst of this, found out one of my nieces (Dawn) is pregnant. She's not sure when she's due, will find out April 8th. So here we go on the hunt for cheap/free baby goods. We've already got a crib and bouncy/vibrator seat, and a little baby gym for floor play.

I've got a ton of phone calls to catch up from this past week...that's on my to do list this afternoon~~

It ended up pretty much what I expected...

ok. So I knew the bottom of my deep dish baker was cracked (from last year when I put in water and it seeped out as I filled it), so I used the other part to cook the corned beef. It was odd. As I added the water for cabbage and veggies, I saw a drip. I wondered...but nah. It would break a year to the day that it's partner did. OH YES IT WOULD!!!

Ten minutes after putting it in the oven, I heard the most awful splattering...spattering...boiling? That made no sense. going out there to investigate...I see my beloved lid in at least 3 pieces, see a rivulet of water running toward the door (thus proving that my kitchen isn't level..big surprise) and brown things being washed out from under my stove. And pour on. And pour. So I call in the cavalry...JOSEPH!! HELP!!!!

Get the food switched to another pot, toss my pieces of pottery, clean clean clean. I get it pretty under control...and dinner was yummy.

No acknowledgement of this day, dinner, our conversation, or me. No conversation after dinner. Nothing. So after 3 hours I say "good night then" and no response.

Today is 3 years since God outed him. I made him a card acknowledging three years of being free from his addiction and left it for him to find this morning. I never thought we'd be here...so what can I say about the last three years--

I have learned I don't need to be angry all the time. Honestly, it's much harder to let loneliness and sadness and disappointment surface than to hide behind anger. It's much harder to allow tears to come and feel that vulnerable and uncomforted than it is to fume, rand and rave. But I have found that as I pour it out in prayer, I feel peace. I have learned to rely on my relationship with God, on prompts from the Holy Spirit, on forgiveness day by day. I have learned that Paul may never be healthy. May never choose to do the work needed, because "I don't want to work the rest of my life" and "this is too hard" and "I just want to live, Ger, I don't want to do all of this". And so here I sit, three years later, listening to more self pity (his words) each day, more excuses each week, or no conversation at all.

I have seen my kids be angrier than I've ever seen them...but hearing them say it wouldn't do any good to tell Paul how they feel, so they stuff it. I wish they wouldn't. Not because I want them to beat up on Paul, but because they need to get it out in a healthy way. I've seen their relationships with each other and both of us struggle under the wt. of these last three years, and some of them collapse and begin the rebuilding process. I've seen them grow up faster, make both good and horrible decisions in reaction to our marriage problems.

I'd love to put on a happy face today, but I'm not happy. I am thankful...for grace and peace and others in my life to fill the void that Paul has left in his hiding. But no matter how great those people are, they aren't a husband. And I'm beginning to accept that this is Paul will ever be...as heartbreaking as that is for me.